Need some advice

bethsmiles

Hi! I introduced myself in a earlier post but now I have a question for you girls. My BF and I aren't engaged yet because we don't want to have a long engagement. We each have 2 years left to finish our bachelors degree. After my BF gets his under grad. he will be going to grad school and it will be a 2 year program. The problem is that we don't know if we want to wait 4 more years to get married. We realize it would be ideal for both of us to be out of school with secure jobs before we got married but as my mom pointed out if we wait for things to be perfect we won't ever get married. So I guess we have a couple of options:

1) Wait the 4 years and get married after my BF is done with graduate school

2) Get married after we are both done with our bachelors, the summer before he starts grad. school.

3) Get engaged once I get a job after I finish school and then get married around his graduate school schedule.

Any advice you can give is very much appreciated

j&n3

My FI & I had a long engagement-- by the time we get married it will have been 3 years long. 

I think it really depends on what you both want. You're not going to graduate school, are you? I'm assuming you will find a job before he finishes school.

Things can never be perfect but you should make sure you give yourself enough time so you won't be stressed out while planning the wedding, & also that you two will have enough money saved up to pay for the wedding (unless the parents are paying). 

I think another question should be whether or not he will be on his parents insurance still, for medical or car...? It might carry him through grad school.

No one can tell you when it's right, but I'd say get engaged whenever if you know you will get married. Take it easy and don't focus so much on it now. 

If I had to choose, I'd stay get married maybe the middle summer of his program. You'll have had a year of work & he will be nearly done. But like I said, I can't tell you what to do! 

LauraT25

Personally I'm not big on the 'planning when to get engaged' idea.  I think it's fine to get engaged when you want, and then decide how long your engagement will be.  But that's just me.

I didn't answer the poll because it really depends on the two of you - yes, four years really might go by quickly.  There are other things to think about, though, for  example:  would you be living together after graduating college?  If so, would you prefer to be married first?  Or would you like to 'test-drive' living together before getting married?

You also don't have to wait until he's done with graduate school to get married, FI and I are getting married in the middle of grad school.  I think you should let things take their course, and then once you're engaged, think about
a) how long you'll need to plan a wedding
b) how long you'll need to save for a wedding, if you're paying, and
c) how demanding your career and FI's grad school is, and how that factors into the planning process

There's no need to rush, but you don't need to necessarily wait four years, either.  We always thought we'd wait until we had our PhDs and then FI decided there was really no reason for that, so he proposed and we decided it would take about 1.5 to plan and save (also factoring in the fact that we wanted to get married in the fall).  And that was that!

bethsmiles

Laura - We just don't see the point in getting engaged before we are ready to start planning a wedding. We don't want to have a long engagement. We aren't really planning when to get engaged. We are deciding when we want to get married and then we will get engaged about a year before that.

My parents are paying for the wedding so we don't have to worry saving up for the wedding. We don't want to live together before we get married which is why we are considering getting married before he starts grad school so that we don't have to pay for two different living spaces. but I think we are leaning towards the 3rd option, but we didn't think about medical insurance so that might play into our decision more.

LauraT25

I think that since you're not living together until you're married, it will likely play a big role in what you decide.  Not that it should be all about money, but it is sensible not to pay separate rent after graduation, so it's definitely something I would at least take into consideration!

awolfe2

My FI and I were in a similar situation and here's how it ended up working out:

He proposed last summer. We're getting married next summer. He's starting his last year of undergrad in the fall and I'm starting my first year of my 2 yr Master's program in the fall. 

We are also not living together until we get married. We're keeping our fingers crossed that he gets a job (he's an engineer and the job market where we are is still pretty good for engineers). I got a job which covers the cost of my tuition. 

Our engagement will be two years total. I kind of liked the long engagement because it gave me some extra time to plan a wedding- which is really nice because we're getting married 2.5 hrs away from where we currently live.

Alliance214

In my situation we were both getting our BAs, and waited until we were graduated. Since we were fortunate enough to graduate in one of the worst economies of our lifetimes we have now almost screwed ourselves? If that makes sense.

Neither of us could find new "career jobs" and I decided to go back to grad school. We finally realized that waiting till the stars aligned for us to get married was never going to happen, and he proposed. We are now trying to plan a wedding that even though my parents are paying for it, the budget has substantially decreased due to their financial woes of this wonderful economic atmosphere.

Sometimes I catch myself wondering what it would have been like if we had just done it three years ago. I think if your parents have the budget, and have planned for it... you wake up every morning knowing this is the man you want to be with for the rest of your life, and he agrees... then don't wait for anything. There will always be SOMETHING in the way.

Good luck!

MelG06

Oh, Beth, you and I have so much in common It was just a few days ago you were giving me advice on pretty much the same worries (timing with school and marraige)

Anyways, heres what I came up with for me, and I'll share it with you. I decided to make the big decision based on what's realistic. Things like "I won't be on my dads health insurance anymore, can I afford it on my own while I'm in school?"  and "will the wedding planning stress him out while he's in grad school, or does it really matter to him?" You really just have to make that decision based on what's logical for you and your BF. I say if you're ready to start that life after your BS's then go for it!

Narwhal

haha I'm basically in the exact same position as you are, Beth.

I'll graduate in two years, but BF is graduating this May (probably).  I'm planning on going to grad school right after I graduate, and since we don't like the idea of waiting four years to get married, we're going to go for it between my graduating and grad school.  We're going to get engaged relatively soon (as far as I know) so I know our engagement will still be pretty long, but he doesn't want to wait for the engagement, even if it means waiting for the marriage.

Good luck on whatever you decide, but definitely think about things like health insurance and if the bills will be able to be paid while he is still in school.

dees14

I'm not engaged yet because we are waiting for me to finish my Master's degree. I couldn't imagine planning a wedding while in school, but people do it all the time! Whatever feels right for you.

bethsmiles

Thanks for all the advice. There is just so much to think about. Its hard to balance practical vs. knowing the timing will never be perfect in my mind.

MelG06

I understand exactly what you're talking about, but nothings perfect... We'll get through it!

JJAdams1224

my FI and i are both in school and getting married next auqust.. he had dropped out years before we met, because of circumstances beyond his control and just started going back part-time a year before we started dating.  he just finished his associates and is starting at another university in the fall.  now i am finishing up my bachelors early, and will be done in december.  i'll have a semester off and then will be returning for law school while he completes his degree.  my education is really important to me and i wanted to be sure i finished my bachelors before we got married, and he popped the question this past christmas which has given us a year and a half engagement.  otherwise it would have been a much longer wait if we were to wait until i was done with law school, and quite honestly, in my opinion, no matter if you're out of school with a career or inbetween programs, there will never be a convenient time to devote all of the time and money that it takes to plan a wedding, it's more important to do what's right for the two of you as a couple

Cmm112

All I can tell you is my experience:

I'm currently a student and I'll graduate with my BFA at the end of March. My FI graduated from college in 2008 and works full-time. So as you can imagine, our schedules are very different sometimes. We got engaged in December of 2008, and we're getting married almost 2 years after that. In my opinion, the length of the engagement doesn't mean anything. Some people think long engagements are a bad thing, but I personally don't understand why. It gives you a longer amount of time to plan the wedding you truly want, and to find the best vendors and prices possible. All I can say is, don't worry about everything else that is going on when it comes to determining when you get engaged. Life is never perfect, and timing almost never works out perfectly, so you both should do what feels right. As long as your financial situation is stable enough to plan a wedding, then why wait?


On a side note, another benefit to a longer engagement is: If you're a student like I am, and your schedule is hectic, it gives you more time to spread out appointments and meetings with vendors. I've had a blast planning my wedding while going to school full-time. It's all about the time and dedication you put in. If you really want it then you'll find a way to make it happen.

I hope that helps a little bit  I'm sure everything will work out!

bethsmiles

My BF really doesn't like the idea of a long engagement. All of my friends had short engagements (around 3 months) and were very happy with that. On the flip side his friends are having a 2 1/2 years engagement and hate it. From the experiences we have seen would would like a happier medium (around a year). We want to be able to jump into the wedding planning and excitement when we get engaged. Also, my parents are paying for the wedding so we don't need a long engagement to save up money. And I'm getting married in my hometown, there aren't a ton of vendor options (its small) and I'm a very organized person (I'm going into event planning) so I really don't need a long engagement in order to plan the wedding.

IdolFan2890

I say you wait the 4 years. My boyfriend and I are waiting 3 years, till after I graduate (he'll graduate a year before me cause he's doing a shorter program). You also have to look at a huge advantage of waiting that long, you have more time to save money.

ruby&orlando

Hello, in my opinion you should definitely live together for a while before getting married, to really and i mean really get to know one another. get your degree at least then move onto the marriage part. My FH and I have been living together for 7+ years, have a 6 year old son, got engaged last year, I recieved my B.A. this year, and am now moving onto Grad school. I suggest to try to apply for grants,stipends ETC. i recieved a 40,000 stipend, to get my masters, 12,000 out of that amount is for tuition so we have decided to use that for most of our wedding, since FH supports me on a daily basis financially. so i figuired it will work out best to get married in 2012 since i graduate that summer, Ill also be turning 25 that month. so Good luck! with everything, and rememeber be patient all comes in due time Congrats on everything

bethsmiles

Living together before marriage really isn't for us, we are both pretty traditional. I think we may end up waiting the 4 years though.

ruby&orlando

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_need-advice-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:684Discussion:9271308a-1603-40d9-bc51-cc5900a7ceb5Post:f712ba4b-76e9-4b8b-b5aa-e35556855406">Re: Need some advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Living together before marriage really isn't for us, we are both pretty traditional. I think we may end up waiting the 4 years though.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE] oh okay, thats good  for you we ll have our opinions and thoughts so.... <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" /> stay focused on school and the best!!! of luck  on a fabulous upcoming wedding, you know is going to be the BEST!!
<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />