I feel like a stick in the mud...

KittyW11

I haven't been on this board before, but I feel like I finally found the one! FI and I are both students, though he's full time and I'm only taking one class per semester until I'm done (only 2 more classes to go!) b/c of a full time job and awful college experience. Anyway.

Maybe this will be a vent? I just feel like a lump. I thought perhaps that other student brides/brides of students would be able to relate and offer some advice.

Our engagement is going to be about 18 months, with a very large and most likely expensive wedding that thus far I am the only one paying for, b/c FI is still doing classes. In fact he will be in school (his last semester) when we get married! It was the best we could do, because I'm going crazy living at home still (it's freeee though), and can't live with him until we're married. So when he found out he had another semester than he was expecting, I put my foot down.

Even so, we have made absolutely no progress. I feel frustrated to have all of these wonderful tools and resources and awesome people to call upon for planning a smooth wedding, and yet have not been able to utilize any of these things because we have no DATE, have no ceremony location, have no budget, have no rough head count, etc., etc., and currently absolutely no money even if I DID have a budget to work up to.

BAH! Where do I start?? I can't get FI to set a date, he's simply not interested b/c it's so far off. BUUUUT I'm Catholic, and Churches book FAST. We haven't even chosen a Church yet, which I feel I have to drag him to by the ear. My marriage counselling is like walking uphill in knee-high peanut butter, getting all three of us (FI and the priest) to all sit down at the same time. No one offered an engagement party or even a dinner with us and our parents so that we can celebrate and get to know. I don't want to be a spoiled brat and assume someone should throw us a party, certainly, but no one even acknowledged it on his side of the family. And we would never, ever, ever be able to afford to throw our own, no matter how small, because we have no $$$ (hate $$$$ so much lately) and neither of us has a location. He's living in student apartments and I'm living at home still. (free free free!)

Where do I start? Where can I put my energy and focus? I feel like I have already run into a wall just in getting started!!! In fact we haven't even begun. We are having the reception at his parents' which will therefore need to be within a short driving distance of whatever church we decide on, but that is so far the only decision we have made.

I'm concerned that being students (so even though I only have one class at a time, it's expensive to drive back and forth and take off work for tests and stuff) and not having money is what is holding us back. But really I might just need a pillow to punch, or a wall to hit my head on... Maybe then I'll feel better!

steffydolly

Start small. Pick a church and a general time frame. Set a budget for yourself - ours is around 3000 total which seems do-able for two full  time graduate students. The rest really seems to fall into place. Also, if you buy things here and there you can spread out the costs (obviously) and it doesn't seem like you are spending a ton of money at once.

HTH

NatandIsaac

If your wedding is not for 18 months, then your fiance is correct, you really don't have to begin planning yet. Even for the purposes of booking a date at a Catholic church, you don't need more than 10 months. Maybe you should take the next six months to save money, and then begin planning when you have a realistic idea of your budget. 

KittyW11

Thanks for the help. I'll try to keep things small. I know it won't be hard to keep them spread out!! Unfortunately, our priest recommended we book at LEAST a year in advance, especially because we'll need a large church. But it's something we have a few months on yet, so probably I shouldn't panic. Yet.

jshorebride

I believe Kitty mentioned that she will have an 18 month engagement, and a long engagement is wonderful to have in order to plan the wedding you want without giving up anything, ie having a backyard wedding as opposed to the church wedding that you are hoping to have.  Many things and much money can be saved in that amount of time, but you need to discuss who will be contributing to what before you can begin to set any kind of budget, ie..are his parents or your parents helping out, or will it only be you that's paying for everything? In that case I do believe that you should possibly hold off a little bit longer to set things in stone; in my last post I was under the impression that you have at least some kind of money to begin the essential planning, but if you don't there's no harm in it, just wait a little bit longer until you're semi-settled and I'm sure you'll have A LOT of anxiety and stress lifted off of you once you know you can begin realistically planning without the constant worry of "How am I going to pay for this?"

PetraStonegirl

I just want to point out that "working student" plus "I'm the only one paying for" does not equal "very large, and most likely expensive wedding". Marrying while young and poor doesn't have to be traumatic, however you should never hold a wedding you can't afford. 

Just remember, if you are the only one paying for the wedding and reception, then your families haven't got a say in the guest list. Hold only the wedding that you can afford, and don't allow familial pressures to expand it into something that will place you in debt. If you and FI decide that there is just no way to have family peace without a huge wedding, then you will just have to save longer. But don't go into debt, and don't let the party surrounding your marriage ceremony control your life. 

Our budget is small, but my FI's family is freaking huge, so we are having a less fancy reception in order to accommodate a larger guest list. On top of that, we are now making economies to the budget, because we just found out the FI's summer funding is only partial, and since he's in thesis writing stage, he can't get a supplemental job. I'm just thankful that my funding came through. However, at the end of the day, we'll not be in debt and we'll be starting out poor, but financially healthy. Remember: Nothing bought but paid for, and nothing on credit!

KittyW11

In order to be married in the Catholic Church, you have to have a ceremony IN the chapel. I believe there are ways to work around that, like have a small ceremony with just a couple witnesses, and then have the "real" ceremony outdoors with everyone present. However, my parents would never support that, and I want to do things the way I was raised to. Hence, a church wedding.

Thankfully, his parents have agreed to have the reception at their home, where they throw a lot of large parties. So the venue is free!!!! I know that takes a huge chunk of the budget, and I'm really very lucky to save on that.

Both FI's and my families are HUGE, even just inviting the relatives we actually know and love, and I'm going to be lucky to come out with under 250... So I'm brainstorming ways to feed them for less!! I've been told by FI that his parents will help us out financially with the wedding, but I feel that's a lot to ask since they're also holding the reception, and anyway they haven't offered money yet, and I'm not about to solicit. My parents would love to help but the economy hasn't been so nice to them lately so we'll see what happens in the next year.

I know that I have enough to pay for the ceremony site and the priest etc., but as for the rest of the wedding, I'm kinda at a loss for how much things will cost.

I tried to get FI to do a rough head count but he started saying things like, "Oh we won't invite that aunt, she lives out of state..." etc., and I realized I'm probably going to have to hit up his mom instead, and frankly, she's very intimidating!!