I'm so confused--need opinions!

lindzlou1992

So my fiancee and I had always talked about when we wanted to get married before we actually got engaged. I have always wanted to wait until i was finised with school entirely, meanining through with the doctorate I plan on getting. He, however would get married tomorrow if I agreed to it. The only problem is ever since we got engaged I have been thinking about getting married sooner. I am a junior studying enviromental sciences and he is a junior as well. He doesn't plan on going to grad school, but I do. The thing is I am not sure if I should stick with my earlier decision and wait until I am completely finished, or if he and I should get married after we get out bachelor's degree. Any thoughts? Thanks!  

mkmistretta

I personally would do it when you are both done with your bachelors since he doesn't plan on going to grad school.  If you guys will be able to support yourselves than I think it would be okay.  Being in school still will most likely cause some stress though.  if you know anyone who has gotten married with school left I would suggest talking to them.  I can't help with that since I am a recently engaged sophmore/junior (graduating early) undergrad myself.  Also, althought this is not a Christian board I see that you have a bible verse as a signiture.  So I would also suggest praying about it and seeking God's will in the situation.

mrandmrsbrist

I got married in August and my H and I are both students. He's an on-campus student and I'm an online student. It's stressful and it's crazy most of the time, but tt works for us because we make it work. I don't regret waiting until we both finished at all. Am I excited for him to be done with school? Absolutely, but I don't think you "have" to wait until you're out of school.

SheSincerely

Well I don't really think its necessary that you're completely done with school, but it would probably be easier financially if you guys are finished with your Bachelor's degrees.  If he's not going to grad school, he could work full time to support you guys while you finish up. I don't see where the stress of school alone will make a huge impact on your marriage. I mean if you guys were not able to achieve financial stability while you are in school or if you were starting a family during that time, then I could see your studies and your marriage sort getting in the way of each other. 

But in the end you just have to go with what feels right for the two of you. If it feels like the right thing to do to wait, by all means wait.

Bay21

I'm an engaged sophomre and fiance and i are waiting until we graduate. While neither of us are pursuing anything beyond a bachelors, we'd still be waiting until we graduate and not getting married in college. we aren't ready to support ourselves wholly as a couple, so we think it inappropriate to enter into marriage. Also, getting married while still in college would change our financial to be dependent on each other, not our parents. 

Waiting will allow time for wedding planning and saving. But you both have to be comfortable with when you want to get married. If you don't feel ready before you're done with your docotorate etc, then don't get married. If you do feel ready, then go for it.

The big thing that you need to consider is how you are planning to pay for school beyond undergrad. Just as with getting married as an undergrad what type of financial aid you get for masters school will change once your married. then of course consider how you plan to pay for a wedding/marriage. I think that those two things should inform your decision, as much as when you feel ready/responsible enough to be married.

best of luck!

xxstardust

My question is this - what field/specialty are you looking for for graduate school? How long is the average term for a doctorate? How long is classwork expected to take, and how long is the average ABD period? I know you said your undergrad is in environmental science, but there are a multitude of routes you could take for a doctorate with that background.

I know for me, if I go back for a doctorate in my undergrad field (biological anthropology), the average length of completion for a full doctorate (coursework and disseration research/completion/defense) is NINE YEARS. That's insane - I'd be in my 30s and engaged for 10 years.

Length of doctoral program - and they're often quite lengthy - is something to think about. How long do you want to wait? Is completing coursework and getting married in the ABD period a feasible option for you, or would you rather get married first?

Also think about funding, as Bay said above - what do funding options look like in your field? I seem to remember that ES fields tend to be a field that get some kind of stipend, but I'm sure it's not super generous (few are!).

Finally, is it common in your field to go straight to a doctorate without a master's degree first? In some field - my own included - that's the traditional path and it's not common to have an MA/MS first and you're granted it at the end of the coursework phase. In others, however, it's much harder to get accepted without the MA study in the field first; a friend of mine had a very hard time getting into a doctoral program in her field straight from undergrad. This is nothing against you, but it's worth thinking about hypothetically - what if you need to take a year off betweeen undergrad and a doctoral program, to gain more experience or because you don't get accepted to  the program you want? Does that change how you feel about being married sooner or later?

Sorry, I know it's a novel ... but I hope it helps! And kudos on the doctorate ... I know it'll be more than a few years before I get mine!

AllisonW423

FI and I have been together for 5 1/2 years. While I still will have a year left in a dual-Masters program when we get married, and FI will have two years left in Optometry school, it really made sense to not wait any longer since we had already been dating for so long. We are living together already, so not much will change. I say go ahead and get married before you are done with school if you are both on board with that plan and if finances aren't an issue.

The only concern I would have is that there is added stress if one person is in school and the other is not. In undergrad, I graduated a semester before FI and took that time to just relax before my Masters program started. That was probably the most stressful time in our relationship because it was frustrating and boring for me that he had so much schoolwork to do evenings and weekends while I didn't have those obligations.

Good luck!

egeurts

Following on what stardust said- it really depends on what your field is. I don't know anything about environmental or science stuff. My roommate is getting her PhD in something sciencey, and went right into the program from her undergrad, but I'm in the humanities field (religion), and needed to get my masters first. Her doctorate is going to take about 5 years, while mine will probably take 5 or 6 ON TOP OF my 2 years masters, meaning that for me, to have waited to get married would have been 8 or 9 years post-BA. 

Every situation is different. For my FI and I, we have been together since high school, he proposed our freshman year of undergrad, we originally were going to get married after that, but then decided to go to grad school, and now we're getting married mid-graduate program. He's in law school and I'm in the middle of my masters. Waiting longer would have taken far too long for either of us. 

But, it really depends on how you feel, and how long your program takes. If you want to wait another few years, then run it by your FI and see if you can work it out. It's just more time to save up the money and plan the wedding you really want. 

lebast

I have a B.S. in environmental science and an M.S. in natural resources.  I'm finishing my PhD in May and getting married in April. 

Getting a PhD takes a long time.  However, I think you can have a balanced "home" life (married) and be a successful graduate student.  With an environmental science proram, research is "seasonal."  For me, I had to work longer days April through August for my data collection.  So, if you're going to get married, I would figure out when your busy time is and plan around it.

birdie1020

As a lot of PPs have said, it really depends on what you feel works for you. I just finished my undergrad and applied to two master's programs, and if it hadn't been for the fact that my fiance is joining the Army and we won't know where he'll  be stationed until July, I would have been very ok with getting married before starting the program.

So you also might want to consider this: what happens if your fiance gets a job somewhere that isn't near where you would go to grad school? Is he prepared to only search for jobs where you will be attending, knowing that he'll have to wait until you know for sure where you are going?

Asjohn967

I think it is really important to remember that ideal situations never exist! You can plan all you want, but it may never happen! ("In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." - Proverbs 16:9) I, like you, initially wanted to wait until I was done with my Master's before FI and I got married. But, once we got engaged, we pushed the wedding up about 1 1/2 years so we'll be getting married while I'm in grad school. Yes, it will create some issues, mostly financial and logistical issues, but I did not want to wait any longer. If you do wait until you finish grad school, will you then decide you want to wait until you have a job, then wait until you have plenty of money saved up, then wait until....? It's really up to you what you want to do, just remember that everything can change in a moment, and life rarely works out how you planned it. Good luck!

petite+engineer

I'm defending my Master's thesis in a week. My fiance will be done his this summer. He initally was going to work while I did my Master's, but he got a federal scholarship so he returned to school.

We both agree that if he hadn't gone to grad school, our relationship would have been over very fast. Grad school is STRESSFUL. Lots of late nights, no holidays (I've worked through Christmas for two years), and no weekends. Visiting my FI each weekend would have been impossible. He admitted that he would never have understood my lifestyle if he wasn't living it himself. "Sorry, can't, I have to go to the lab" is a common phrase in our household.

I'm not saying that you should break up, but make sure that he understands that depending on your program, he will probably be very neglected, especially while you are doing your coursework. Make sure that if you live together, you are in a city where he can easily make friends and entertain himself. And if you live apart, he will probably need to visit you, since you won't have time to visit him.

Also, do NOT plan a wedding while trying to write your thesis. So if you wait until you graduate your PhD, give yourself a good six or so months to plan it after you defend.

erynswain

My first thought is to tell you not to waiver on your decision. Don't let other ideas get in your way. That being said, however, it will be much easier to plan a wedding as an undergrad than as a graduate student.  I agree with many of the previous posts that you should really discuss this with the fiance. You basically already know what he wants, but maybe he has some ideas for you.

I am in almost the same boat. Both the fiance and I are juniors and he is going to PT school after graduation, while i already have a job lined up. Living on one income together may be difficult at first, but I know if you set your mind to it, you can do it. I don't think you should be stupid about your decision, but if you plan, save, and are frugal the first few years of marriage, I say go for the wedding after your bachelor's degree.