How long to be dating?

mk11

I am a student and am 18, while my boyfriend is almost 19. We have been dating almost a year and a half. We were best friends for two years and known each other since middle school. Both our parents approve of our relationship. 

When is the normal time to be engaged? We have talked about weddings and know when we want to, but what is the best time to get formally engaged?

BunnyChii

Start by talking about marriage rather than the wedding. Finances, kids, religion, where you plan to live, plans for your lives, etc, etc, etc. 

Also, 18/19 is awfully young. There is no "right" time to get engaged - you don't say, "Well, you've dated two years and four months, time to get engaged!" You need to have a mature, healthy, stable relationship and be mature as an individual yourself. 

I started dating my now FI when I was 16, got engaged when I was 21, and am planning on getting married when I'm 23. That gave us both enough time to do other things and figure out who we were as individuals, and grow as a couple. I still had time to go to college, finish it, study abroad, and live on my own. I can't imagine getting married at 18.

[Deleted User]

There's no right or wrong answer to this. Every couple is different so they have different needs and expectations. The big thing to focus on is making sure you and him are on the right wavelengths with each other. Communication is the key and so long as you understand one another YOU will know when the time is right to take the next step.

I met my FI in college. We got engaged after 18 months and recently celebrated our 2 year anniversary. Our wedding is set for 2013. We want to finish school and get steady jobs before tying the knot, but that's what we want to do.

MMRoberts11

I agree with the others in that there is no correct time point.  I was friends with my FI for about 5 years before we started dating and then he proposed after a little over 2 years. 

I think as long as you are both mature and have discussed things beyond the wedding go ahead.  However, I also think that you should go to college and live on your own a while first.  That's something I think everyone should do so they know themselves more.  Also, people change a lot in the college years so I would at least hold off a little until you see if you still are thinking the same thing then.  For example, I'm quite a bit different now at 24 than I was at 18.  If I had married my then boyfriend we would have been miserable and we would have gotten a divorce because we grew apart.

misssunshine17

I started dating FI in high school when I was 15, he was 16. We graduated and I am currently going to school in Philadelphia while he's still in New England going to school. He proposed when I was 20 (last Christmas) and when we get married, I'll be 23 and he'll be 24. I joke that as long we're married before we've been together for ten years!

There is no right and wrong, however many people tend to judge people your age for getting married (even though it used to be the norm! My parents were 19/20 and they've been happily married for 33 years!). No one can tell you what is right for you, but I suggest taking a long look at the things you want: schooling, the type of wedding, finances of getting married, etc. Good luck!

bethsmiles

I've been with my BF since we were 18. We've been together for 3 years. We don't want a long engagement so we'll probably get engaged sometime this summer and have about a year of being engaged. There is no right or wrong time to get engaged, every relationship is different.

BUT I would suggest going to college and working towards becoming financially independent before getting engaged and married.

mkmistretta

I agree with PP.  It also depends on your situation and age.  I tend to think that if you met you bf when you were 16/17 then you should be together atleast 3 years before getting engaged.  If you met in college then atleast 2 years and after college atleast 1 year.  Those are just rough estimated and everyone is different.  It is very important though as PPs have said to take about finances and children and jobs and all of that.

aeroprincess87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_long-dating?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:684Discussion:e9f3d713-29fa-4241-8d69-be8434ae0bebPost:ee72bc5b-00d9-47aa-a8b1-5c129ef1005f">How long to be dating?</a>:
[QUOTE]I am a student and am 18, while my boyfriend is almost 19. We have been dating almost a year and a half. We were best friends for two years and known each other since middle school. Both our parents approve of our relationship.  When is the normal time to be engaged? We have talked about weddings and know when we want to, but what is the best time to get formally engaged?
Posted by mk11[/QUOTE]

When you're both ready to commit 100% to each other for the rest of your life, and this can vary from couple to couple. My boyfriend and I have been dating almost 2 years (1 month till our 2 year anniversary <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" />) but we still aren't engaged. We don't want to be until I can apply for the visa that will allow me to live in his country permanently. And that's only because we refuse to be married and living over 2,000 miles apart again. But as I said it depends on the couple and when they're ready, I don't think there is a predetermined number of years (or weeks) to date before you both get to that point.

Beads921

There is no universal length of time a couple should date before getting engaged. It's going to be different for everyone. 

FI and I met when we were 16, started dating at 17. He proposed the day before my 22nd birthday and we'll probably be married when we're 23. We will have been together between 5 and 6 years when we get married, and we were dating just over 4 years when we got engaged. But that's US - not you, your BF, or anyone else. 

Knowing you want to marry someone and actually doing that are 2 completely different things. I knew I wanted to marry FI a few years ago, but it wouldn't have been a good idea at the time - we were (and still are) young, I was still finishing school, FI still lived with his Mom, etc. We needed those extra couple of years to mature as individuals - emotionally and financially. 

I'd encourage you to hold off on getting engaged and enjoy being young. Go to school, get a job, figure out your finances, get your first apartment (maybe not in that order). You'll grow and change a lot in the next couple of years.

KellyBrian2013

If you have to ask "what the normal time is" to get engaged, odds are you probably aren't ready to be engaged/get married yet.

As PPs have said, there is no magic time... you both need to be mature, financially stable, and ready to make adult decisions. I cannot imagine marrying the BF I was with at 18, despite the fact that he and I were certain we were going to get married and had discussed it (a lot).

FI and I started dating a month after we met and were engaged within 8 months. He was 24 and I was 22... now at 25/23, owning our own home, and living on our own - I'll tell you, it's not easy. We never thought it would be, but this is much tougher than we'd imagined. I wouldn't change it for the world, but I also know that there is absolutely NO WAY I'd have been able to do this while I was 18 and going to college. None.

Good luck. Enjoy dating and try not to focus on getting engaged/married... things change a LOT when you get engaged, and will only continue to change as you start your lives together.

GreenEire

My husband and I got engaged six months after meeting.  We were also in our mid and late 20s, college graduates, had good jobs, and were in stable points in our lives.  We discussed everything ahead of time (kids, religion, finances, etc) and all of our positions on everything matched.  So we figured, why wait?

But I have to say that there's no way I would have been ready a decade ago when I was in college.  For you, I recommend graduating and getting a job before you guys start discussing marriage.  Figure out if you're truly compatible.  There is no rush!

Good luck with everything. 

kellyt89

I think that at 18/19 you should date for a long time, at least 3 years before getting engaged. Not that works for everyone or if you don't your relationship is doomed. But you change SO MUCH from 18 to 21 and from 21 to 25 (I'll be 23 next week so God only knows how much I'll change in the next 2 years).

When I was 18 I had been with my BF for a year and thought we might get married. 2 years later I realized we were completely not compatible and made each other miserable. We became completely different people and grew apart.

You may grow together, and I hope you do, but adding the pressure of being engaged/married so early will just make that harder. At the very least, talk about all the things that will happen when you get married - finances, kids, religion, families, chores. If you can't talk about the not-so-fun stuff then you shouldn't be planning a wedding.

calliopeia2013

As far as the best time to get engaged goes, I think that really depends on the couple.  I would usually say at least 2-3 years, so that you have enough time to get through the honeymoon phase of a relationship and know if you really still love someone even when they don't clean the bathroom, you know?  Enough time so that you're not still coasting on the intial butterflies, which can mask a lot of incompatibilities.  But I do know people who have had successful much shorter engagements.

Beyond that, though, I would urge you to wait until you're both out of school and employed to actually get married.

faith415

I agree with everyone that each relationship is different.
You both need to take a good long look at what you want out of life first. Discuss the big issues and make sure that you match up. Just because you're talking about getting married and know you want to marry your BF doesn't mean you need to get engaged right away.

FI and I started dating when we were 16/18. We both wanted to finish college, and we wanted to go to different schools. We went to college four hours apart and I'm so thankful that we did. Both of us got a chance to grow and change and we both were able to accomplish things that we wanted out of life. We knew for sure we wanted to get married less than two years into our relationship, but we didn't seriously start talking about getting engaged until 3 years into our relationship. Then we ended up waiting until I was almost done with college to actually get engaged. We're getting married right before our 6 year anniversary at 22/24.

You will change a lot, sometimes it'll work out that you grow together, but not always. Make sure you are both completely committed to each other and our both ready for marriage. FI knew he wanted to marry me, but it took him awhile to actually feel ready for marriage. You have plenty of time, so don't feel like you need to rush into an engagement!

Kate61487

H and I started dating at 19/20.  We started talking about "when we get married..." or "when we have kids..." after just about a year, but didn't get engaged until we'd both graduated.  We got married at 24. 

Honestly, I was a little pissed he waited so long to propose, I really wanted to be engaged before I graduated, so I could plan the wedding during his senior year and we could get married right after he graduated.  But as much as we knew we wanted to be together he just wasn't ready, and honestly I'm so thankful that I had that year out on my own, and that we had the year planning the wedding living together to grow as a couple.  Don't rush it.  Enjoy being together, talk about the future and trust that it will be right when it happens :-)

somethingsilver

I pretty much agree with all the PPs. It really does differ for each relationship. You say you are a student, but are you in high school or college? If still in high school, is college an option? I have a friend who got married at 18 and is completely miserable because like many of the PPs have said, you change a lot. Geez, I can't imagine marrying the guy I was dating at 18!

DramaGeek

H and I started dating at 19, and we knew within 4 months that we would get married.  We also know that getting engaged at 19 after 4 months of dating and a year of friendship was too soon.  We waited until we felt like we had to move forward, we just didn't have a choice anymore.  I can't really explain it, it was just a feeling that we had that we both knew it was time.  That was 18 months after we started dating, and we were engaged for 13 months.

FaithCaitlin

We met when I was 11 and he was 13. We were 15 and 17 when we started dating. We had been best friends practically our whole life. We got engaged at 19 and 21. He graduated from college and had a job. We are getting married next December. I will have graduated. I will be almost 22 and he will be 24. Get engaged when you know you want to spend your life with him more than anything else in the world. Don't get married until you're financially stable.

ikernica

me and my fiance have been together for 5 years and were best friends for 2 yrs before that, we just got engaged in october, and are getting married in august of 2012. we always knew we would get married, but just didnt know when, and thought it would be way down the road. you will know when its the right time

Bett2012

Everyone is different, but FI and I started dating when we were 16/17 (grade 11), got engaged when we were 20/21 (third year uni), and will be married when we are 21/22 (4th year uni - with one year to go).  We chose not to wait longer than 5 years because we have chosen not to live together and we feel ready to be in a marriage together. To be honest, it has been hard stretching out the dating this long, especially going to the same university (though long distance would have been harder, I admit), but I think our timeline is perfect for us.

Sit down with your BF and make a pros and cons list of a few different timelines. I also suggest talking to your parents (if you view them as wise, and if you think they can be objective). We did that since our parents also got married in university so they know what it really entails.

ratzlaf4

well my fiance and i have been dating since we were 20(now we're almost 23), you can chance SO much from 18 to 20... i cant even imagin being with the person i was with when i was 18. not saying you cant find the right person at 18, i have a friend that dated her now husband since theyre early highschool and they got married at 20. so its not out of the question BUT you have to make sure you arnt rushing, i thought i was ready to marry the guy i dated in highschool...so it all depends on if you guys feel like its right for you and you can really see yourself with this person for the rest of your life. then u have to figure out if your ready financially for marriage. if you feel like you can really see yourself with this person forever, then he will be there a few years from now. 

ratzlaf4

well my fiance and i have been dating since we were 20(now we're almost 23), you can chance SO much from 18 to 20... i cant even imagin being with the person i was with when i was 18. not saying you cant find the right person at 18, i have a friend that dated her now husband since theyre early highschool and they got married at 20. so its not out of the question BUT you have to make sure you arnt rushing, i thought i was ready to marry the guy i dated in highschool...so it all depends on if you guys feel like its right for you and you can really see yourself with this person for the rest of your life. then u have to figure out if your ready financially for marriage. if you feel like you can really see yourself with this person forever, then he will be there a few years from now. 

Grits8812

The "normal" time to get engaged is whenever you feel ready for it.  It can be today, or years from now. Just because you get engaged doesn't mean you have to start planning right away.