FMIL on my mind cant study

warhawkbride

So recently my FMIL made it very clear that she doesnt want me to come up to their house for any of the holidays. We were planning on formally announcing our engagement to them but after hearing the news we decided to just call them on the phone. We are an interracial couple, and although I want to think that its not about race, I can't seem to get these thoughts out of my mind. When we called them we didn't even get a congradulations. She told my fiance that maybe he was rushing into this, and that he should really reconsider. Later that night he recieved harrassing txt messages from his own father saying that he is being disowened by his family, and this is the worst mistake he has ever made in his whole entire life. They also said that they wouldn't help support him finishing college How do I get past this? Do I get past this? Is this about race?

Just something on my mind. Back to stuying I go.

[Deleted User]

I don't know if it's about race, did they give any specific reasons for why they think it's a bad idea?

My cousin married interracially. At first his dad refused to go to the wedding. He liked my cousin's fiancee just fine, but was very upset about their plans to marry. It was the first interracial couple of the family, and my uncle is very old-school.

But he came around before the wedding, attended, and though he wasn't thrilled, he had quit complaining. They've been together for a few years now, and have recently had a baby. My uncle loves all 3 of them to death now after seeing how truly happy they were together.

LauraT25

It's really hard to say whether it's about race.  Since your FI hasn't finished college yet, it could just be that he (and you, too?) are very young.  Or a multitude of other reasons that we wouldn't know, since we pretty much have no backstory.

I would ask your FI to talk to his parents and find out exactly what their concerns are.  Sit down with him and talk about each and every point, and how you might address these issues.  This is a very tough situation.

bethsmiles

I have no idea if its about race. How long have you guys been together? Could you be rushing it or could it seem to others that you are rushing it? Were they like this with previous GFs of his? Is this a new attitude or have they never liked you? What does your FI think? How has responded to all of this? How much school do you have left? How old are both of you? Is he an only child? Have his siblings gotten married, how did they treat their SOs?

There are a lot of factors at play here and race is only one of them. Without more information its really hard to know.

younge bride 101

I dont really know your situation.. but FIs mom does not like the fact we are gettting married wither. We have been together six years.. but she has been married about five times so i see why she is scared, i just try not to let her get to me and try to always be the bigger person and ask her to do things! its stressful on me and my FI but we love each other and i hope eventually she can be happy for us!

literarymuse

I agree with what other people say. I'm so sorry that they're acting that way. Hopefully they will come around, and if they don't, as painful as it will be, you're better off. :-(

warhawkbride

Well the whole thing is that I haven't done anything. I have been accused of snooping through their mail when I was up at their house, and she recently told my fiance that I dont even like their family.

My fiance has another semester, and I have another year left or more. We have been dating for like a year but we were pretty close friends before we got together. He hasnt had any other GFs. We arent getting marriend until I finish school.
 

LauraT25

I know that my mom would have been very upset if I was engaged to a guy I'd been dating only a year, no matter how long I'd known him, while I was still in college.  It doesn't excuse their immaturity (accusing you of snooping through their mail?) but hopefully they will come around if they see that the two of you are serious about making this work.

nannewmur

There are a lot of unknowns that we don't now: how long have you been dating, how long before you get married, do you work, are there any children involved, are you both getting degrees in areas will be easy to find a job, etc.

I do feel if you or fiance speak to his parents and insinuate it is due to race right off the bat this will create a wedge that may be irrepairable.  Good luck.

Muffin'sMom

The only way to know is for both of you to meet with them face to face and have a frank conversation.  I know it is scary, but you are moving toward an adult committed relationship.  You have to do the hard things, and you HAVE to stand together to do it.  No talking around the back, no texts, no he said/they said.  

You BOTH have to be willing to walk away if necessary.  If you do not, it will continue to happen every time you do something that they may not agree with. 

This puts the ball in their court, and at least you will know.