HELP!! I NEED ADVICE!

jferlenda

OK girls this is my dilemma:  FI and I got engaged almost a month ago now and we still don't have a date picked out...let alone the year!  We're both going to be senior Elementary Ed. majors this coming fall.  We always thought we would get married the summer after graduation (aka about this time next year), but FI's parents aren't too thrilled with the idea.  They don't think we'll be able to make it financially, especially if we don't land teaching jobs right away.  They want us both to live at home for a year (2 hours away from each other) to save money and then get married in the summer of 2012.  My parents think we'll struggle at first, but we'll be fine in the end.  We'll still have jobs of some sort and we don't have to live lavishly by any means.  Please give me your opinion!!!

forrma7

here is my advice:

when you make the decision to get married to someone, you are deciding to become your own family. not a family that includes your parents, but a family that includes two people.

that being said, you and your FI need to make the decision that will be best for you. yes, parents have wisdom about things you may not have, and listening to their advice may suit you. but i would suggest having a serious talk with the family about their problem with your timing.

also, when you do this, you need to have a freakin game plan sister. you need to be able to answer all their questions if their going to support you and your FI. lay out what your financial decisions will be. what happens if you don't get jobs. who will be the flexible one? etc.

and living away from my FI for a year, just because, would not be an option for me. but that's my personal opinion.

why not plan for a fall/winter wedding? that way, you'll have time to lay down job opportunities and get these moving so you have a direction before you get married.

LauraT25

Is it not an option for you to live together at one of your parents' houses?  I have known several people who had to move back home after graduation while looking for a job, and a couple of them brought their SOs with them.  I don't know how you can broach the subject without seeming pushy, but I can't imagine your families not considering that as an engaged couple, you don't want to spend that time apart.

Also, this post is very, "My parents think...".  What do YOU think?  Do the two of you have enough money to live on your own?  I'm having trouble figuring it out from the end of your post - do you mean you have savings, or some kind of jobs now?  You can do a wedding fairly cheaply if you're creative and willing to put in the time and effort, but after the wedding is over, can the two of you support yourselves?  Because you need to be realistic - it may take you a while to find jobs.  If living together at home isn't an option, then your parents may well be right.

You don't want to start off a marriage without a foot to stand on.  I would first sit down and decide how much savings you have, and make some realistic goals.  Maybe try to get part-time jobs somewhere while waiting for full-time jobs, if you're not currently employed.  Set up a savings strategy.  Then decide realistically how much it will cost you to move in together on your own, and see if the numbers work.  I know the idea of living apart, AND living at home, kind of sucks, but you have to be honest with yourselves.  And I think that you will be better off in your marriage if you wait until you're financially ready, whenever that turns out to be.

meredithrohter

Okay I stumbled upon this post because I am not a full time student (just doing graduate school part time while being a first time math teacher). I am also sorry if this post comes off as harsh but I have a lot of advice in this area.

First off, the teaching market right now SUCKS. Most schools are laying teachers off, which means you will be in a very competitive pool of candidates for the few jobs that may be available (and many schools are not replacing retired teachers because they just do not have the funds right now). Many of my friends went into teaching and, excluding me (who is a high school math teacher who also coaches), they all took a year to find teaching jobs and 2 of them only lasted there a year and have been riffed. So there is a very real possibility you and FI will not have jobs upon graduation. I don't know what these other jobs are that you are referring to, but do they pay well enough to support two people on their own? You do NOT want to start off a marriage with financial issues and you are better off waiting until ou are financially stable. My fiance is working as a student attorney this summer working on divorces and most of them are splitting up because of financial issues. You really want to be financially independent as a couple before getting married.

Second, I like Laura's idea of both living together with one set of parents. However, I realize many parents will not go for this. My FI and I have been together for 6 years and we have lived apart for the last 3. He spent a year in Israel after we graduated and then he went to Minnesota to law school while I stayed in Chicago. Does it suck to live apart? Absolutely. But can you make it work. Absolutely. And two hours is not an unbearable amount of time to drive. Many couples have to live apart for sometime because of the economy (a coworker of mine lived apart from her husband of 30 years because he got a job in Maryland and she needed to stay in Illinois until their house sold). So it is doable.

Third, is there a reason why you want to get married so soon after school? Many of my friends got married the summer a year from the graduation to their college sweethearts. There is nothing wrong with a long engagement (FI and I will be engaged for 20 months, there is a girl on my local board who will be engaged for 3 years when she gets married) especially when you are already going to be going through so many changes and with a difficult job market to deal with.

Fourth, who is paying for this wedding? If it is his parents (or they are contributing a large sum of the total), then they get a large say ($ = strings). If it is you and your FI, then will you have enough time to save up money for the wedding by that time? Having another year is another year of saving up money for the wedding.

Finally, I know you don't like what his parents are saying but are they the types to give him good advice? Do they have both of your best interests at heart? If so, then perhaps you should listen to their advice. My guess would be that they truly think this is the right idea and have both of your best interest at heart.

annesundell

My fiance and I are getting married in September. We've been living together for 3 years, and he just got laid off a few months ago. We had already booked our venue, caterer, etc etc. To move our date to a time when we are more financially stable would cost us more money than it's worth. I say if you have already started the planning, just for for it. If not, I'd hold off until you're in a place where you don't have to have mom and dad help with the finances. When it comes down to it, if you're planning on spending the rest of your lives together, it really doesn't matter when you make it legal.

LauraT25

annesundell - they've only been engaged a month and don't have a date yet, so I doubt they've already put down deposits.

ledalia

You need to talk to your fiance about this and decide together what is best for both of you. Don't let your parents dictate when you will move in together and get married. It will certainly help to save up, but it is possible to save up as you go. That is what we are doing. I will be a senior this year and our wedding is in November. We have already lived together for 2 years, however, so we are used to being a family unit and making decisions together. My advice would be to rely as little as possible on your parents and start thinking about this together.

callalily13

I hopefully (although young) have had a lot of the same issues you are dealing with now. My fiance and I have been together for nearly 6 years and four of those were actually me going back and forth from CA to VA for undergrad school. If being a six hour plane ride wasnt bad enough he was actually in the hospital nearly dying for about a year (I had to fly back and forth a lot and spent all my breaks in the hospital 24-7 with him). As we started dating in high school, we are not even close to financially stable to be married and so are having a long engagement. Being two hours is not too horrible and although it will suck, if your relationship is strong enough you will make it. BUT it will be extremely hard to be separated. Hope that helped...?