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40-Plus Brides

Begging to be a bridesmaid

Hello all...this will be my 2nd marraige and his 1st.  He has a niece who barely smiles, speaks, or even acknowledges that I am in the room (actually she is that way to everyone).  Someone I would call a Debbie Downer but if you speak to her she will spit out a dry hello.  Debbie also maintains a close friendship to his ex and keeps her abreast of everything going on in our relationship right down to pictures.  Debbie approached me in church and basically told me she wanted to be a bridesmaid and felt she was more of a daughter to him than his own daughter.  My plan was to have my 3 sisters and his other niece (one who is bubbly and outgoing) as my bridal party.  When I spoke to him about not wanting Debbie to be in the wedding party, he says to allow it in order to keep down confusion.  I thought it was my choice and my day.  I have tactfully tried to let her know that I have already chosen the party but she does not care and still keeps hounding him about it.  How would you guys handle this situation?

Re: Begging to be a bridesmaid

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_40-plus-brides_begging-to-be-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:69dea60c-2319-4015-8380-4a5cc0f18476Discussion:32a9c179-288a-4028-833c-10b809f4faf2Post:209b6c13-ac2a-43ce-a2b5-3bf69f3083ea">Begging to be a bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hello all...this will be my 2nd marraige and his 1st.  He has a niece who barely smiles, speaks, or even acknowledges that I am in the room (actually she is that way to everyone).  Someone I would call a Debbie Downer but if you speak to her she will spit out a dry hello.  Debbie also maintains a close friendship to his ex and keeps her abreast of everything going on in our relationship right down to pictures.  Debbie approached me in church and basically told me she wanted to be a bridesmaid and felt she was more of a daughter to him than his own daughter.  My plan was to have my 3 sisters and his other niece (one who is bubbly and outgoing) as my bridal party.  When I spoke to him about not wanting Debbie to be in the wedding party, he says to allow it in order to keep down confusion.  <strong>I thought it was my choice and my day</strong>.  I have tactfully tried to let her know that I have already chosen the party but she does not care and still keeps hounding him about it.  How would you guys handle this situation?
    Posted by laviaward[/QUOTE]

    It is you and your husbands day to celebrate with your family and friends. NOT your day. People who say that tend to be thought of as bratty and ridiculous. You shouldn't be forced to choose her as your bridesmaid but not because it is 'your day'.

    image
    06.09.2012

  • I agree with parts of both answers above.

    It appears there may be a jealousy issue between the 2 nieces, as well as Debbie thinking she can invite herself into your wedding party. This is not behavior that should be encouraged with you giving in. You don't say how old she is, she sounds like an adolescent. If she's older, then it is really not behavior to be tolerated.

    But, I also agree it is NOT just your day. It belongs to you and your fiance, as well as the family members who have brought you both to this point in your life. While in general your wedding party should be agreed upon, it sounds as though your fiance simply wants to have the least negative experience by giving in. It also sounds as though she is hounding him, hoping to get him to simply give up and agree.

    My advice: this has to be agreed upon between you and your fiance first, before you can put up a united front. Sometimes guys want to avoid confrontation just to have everybody "get along". He may not want to rock the boat with family. However, are your choices already decided upon? Has everyone been asked, your choices and his? If this is still in the deciding stage, maybe simply choose your 3 sisters, no nieces, then that's an easier and simpler answer. No cousin jealousy.

    If you've already announced your selections, or asked the people involved, the answer would change. Once you can get his buy in, your response to Debbie should be along the lines of what Retread said: you've made your choice, and while you'd love to have an endless supply of wedding party members, you have chosen who you have for several reasons. And the responses from both you and your fiance to Debbie is that you care about her, but the decisions have been made. Continuing to nag won't change it. Then change the subject every time you have to. 

    Good luck.  
  • Thanks everybody for your unbiased responses. I stand corrected - it is not just my day and thank you for reminding me of that, it is both of ours.  Our agreement when we first began planning the wedding was for me to pick the bridesmaids and he picks the groomsmen, which is why this whole thing bothered me when he said to allow it in order to keep down confusion.  BTW both nieces are 24 years old.  Your responses have given me a good solution to this issue.  Thanks again.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_40-plus-brides_begging-to-be-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:69dea60c-2319-4015-8380-4a5cc0f18476Discussion:32a9c179-288a-4028-833c-10b809f4faf2Post:2bbc2e99-996d-47f1-917a-3301f6eadfc8">Re: Begging to be a bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks everybody for your unbiased responses. I stand corrected - it is not just my day and thank you for reminding me of that, it is both of ours.  Our agreement when we first began planning the wedding was for me to pick the bridesmaids and he picks the groomsmen, which is why this whole thing bothered me when he said to allow it in order to keep down confusion.  BTW both nieces are 24 years old.  Your responses have given me a good solution to this issue.  Thanks again.
    Posted by laviaward[/QUOTE]



    I think your husband is more worried about hurt feelings. How old is this shy niece?
    Alison - Too stupid to upload a pic
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