Help! Advice Needed! Future stepmom here....

daisymom0317

I also posted this on the Chit Chat board.

I'll be 40 by the time I get married for the first time and I have no kids, just two doggies. My fiance has one 13 year old son who will be 14 next month. Obviously, I'm going to become this kid's stepmom soon.
Here's the background: when my fiance and his ex separated several years ago, the son lived with his mom and when they divorced, he stayed with his mom. My fiance would see him as much as possible. They lived 4 hours apart. Well last year when the son turned 13, he chose to live with his dad, so last summer, he moved in with my fiance.
And the situation is this.....the kid never does anything on the weekends with friends, never has anyone over, never goes to anyone's house, nothing. The only time he's with other people his age is school and boy scout functions. And, he won't go to his own Sunday School class. He goes with my fiance to his. But the thing that's driving me crazy is how clingy he is to my fiance. He literally hangs on him and seems like he has to always be touching or hugging him in some sort of fashion. Recently (within the past month or so) he will sit next to my fiance on the couch at my apartment and I sit on the loveseat. My fiance has to ask him to move to the loveseat so I can sit next to him.
I brought up his clinginess last week to my fiance. He said he was like that at home too. Said he's been that way since he moved in with him last summer and that he's that way because he didn't live with him for those 4 years during the separation/divorce.
Am I overreacting? What do I do? I just feel like it's a touchy subject because my fiance now wants to seek full custody of him. But he's so emotionally immature for his age.
Help!

FSForever

Welcome and congrats. 

I will also gain a few kids but luckily for me they are older and live on their own. Out of seven between us only my baby girl, 14 almost 15, lives with us. I will give you my two cents but only for what I know with having raised two kids already and having one about your FI's age.  I don't know him so it may not pertain but its worth a shot. 

My daughter was the apple of my ex's eye. The older two and I knew someday she would figure out who her dad really was and what his priorities were.  They aren't her.  He uses people to get what he wants.  She recently, last 6 mos, has figured that out. On top of it she started high school, is gaining a step father and her sister who she is very close to is moving away in two months.  She is going through a lot and what we, FI and I, have found is there is a point when kids hit the teens that they really go back and forth from being a little kid, clingy, emotional, and then also wanting to be away from you. Not sure the exact terminology for it but his kids did the same. This is a hard time for his son.  Whatever happened to make him decide to live with is dad, and maybe it wasn't one thing, it was a hard choice and with his age it does'nt make it harder. FI and my daughter will race to sit next to me. Of course he lets her but they make a game out of it and sometimes she is actually starting to let him.  She recently said that sometimes she just needs her mom and to cuddle. As far as him going out on weekends. We make my daughter go out or we include her in some activities but we have also made it clear that we have our time. Recently we bought a bunch of junk food, she had a friend over and we went out. We want her to know that he isn't going to leave her like her dad but we have our relationship too. 

He's at a hard age. It sounds like you are going to do fine because you already care enough to be concerned and his dad and you talk. Keep talking and bringing up concerns. He will get there. Believe me its wonderful when they hit 18-19 and get that "Ah ha" moment when they finally breakthrough. 

Good luck and PM if you want to chat more. 

jenjoe1115

My FI has full custody of his daughter and I hve 4 of my own. When it came time for me to meet his daughter even though we were friends in the past I have not seen her since she was a year old. We took our time just to let her get used to the adjustment of living with daddy and daddy having someone new. When it all started falling into place she was the same exact way. The problem is that in some ways hopefully this isn't the case for you but the mother was telling P to be like that towards daddy so I could not get near him. In her twisted mind she thought that after all the drugs drinking and cheating she did that he would take her back and used P to try and sabotage us. Well we don't fight we have a great relationship and she is far far out of the picture. SO hopefully that is not the case as well for you but the child could also feel the need to be so clingy due to the fact that they think they are betraying their mother by liking you and are scared that you will come between him and his dad. It is a very common worry in children with divorced parents. Hopefully you get what I am attempting to say in my ramble lol

daisymom0317

Thank to all of you who responded.
 
I really want to succeed at this, and I started seeing a therapist last week. She wants to see me two more times then wants to bring in my fiance. As embarrassed as I am to admit this, I'm glad my fiance is going to come with me to see the therapist. We are having communication issues, and we need to deal with them ASAP. I really feel like this is a good move.

As far as my fiance's son, I have seen a difference in how my fiance reacts now to him always having to touch him or hug on him. It's like he's more aware of how much he's doing it now. Just the other night, my fiance sat down on the love seat and let his son have the whole couch to himself so I could sit next to him after I finished up what I was doing. Well his son immediately went to sit down next to my fiance instead of the couch. My fiance asked him to sit on the couch. Then as he had his arm around me and I laid my head on his chest, his son crawled over to his leg and started to hug on it. I felt so bad. I didn't know what to do. Even though this kid has expressed he's happy for his dad and has no issue with us getting married, it's obvious he's having a hard time.
 
This past Sunday, we all 3 went to church, and my fiance's son went with us to our Sunday School class. He's the only kid in there. The rest are adults. I wish my fiance would encourage him to go his own class. He needs the social stimulation with kids his own age.

I'm trying. I really am. This is such an adjustment for me, and I'm reaching out for help so I can succeed in this marriage and in becoming this kid's stepmom.

I really am a good person.

Thanks again for responding.