My mom

southofnormal

I'm having an outdoor wedding at the end of September at a lighthouse, the bathroom is a bit of a hike away. We are only inviting about 35 people. I'm very worried about my Mom. She has dementia and has incontinence problems. (Sorry if this is TMI). She sometimes will start peeing when she stands up or just thinks about peeing. She also sometimes has bowel incontinence problems. I'm TERRIFIED that she will have an issue during the wedding or at the reception. She does wear adult diapars, but still ..... her pants get wet, etc.

Honestly, I just sort of want to call the whole thing off, though STDs have already been sent. The groom is more interested in the wedding, whereas I would be happy just doing a civil ceremony.

What to do?

Lisa50

If it is important to you that your mother attend your wedding ceremony, then you should hire an attendant/nurse's aid to attend to her needs.  It seems to me, though, that it would not be fair -- to your mother -- to have her at the wedding.  Do you think she would want to be in public in her condition?  Consider her feelings.  As "terrified" as you are, I guarantee you this: she is much more terrified.

What should you do?  Get married in the fashion you've chosen.  It sounds somewhat selfish on your part to insist your mother attend the wedding.  Make plans to visit her the day before or the weekend after.

I wanted my father to attend my wedding.  It would have required a long drive in an ambulette for him, plus a nurse's aid.  While he was not incontinent, it would have taken so much time and effort for him to make it to a restroom it would have been close to impossible for him to have attended with ease.  He was a very proud man. And although I really wanted him there, I did not put him through that.

Kristin789

The lighthouse does have some inside space where the bathroom is - have your wedding there and seat your mom near the bathroom.  Then afterwards, you can take pics outside before going to the reception.

southofnormal

The bathroom at the lighthouse is actually up a flight of stairs which would be difficult for her to navigate and is not really accessible to the public.

Sue-n-Kevin

This is what I am hearing from your post:

- the groom wants this wedding, you want something else
- your mother's attendance at the wedding will be difficult regardless of where you have it
- STD's have been sent for a wedding the end of September

I agree with Lisa on this. Your mom has a lot of medical issues that would affect her attendance at your wedding. These issues will probably present themselves regardless of where you have it. Even if you had a court house ceremony and small reception at a restaurant. her incontinence and possibly dementia would be an issue.

I think you should talk to your fiance about the wedding you are planning and decide if it's what you both want. If so, go forward with it, but fit in some time to meet with your mother before and perhaps afterward, with pictures. How have you been discussing all this with her? Is she coherent enough in the long term, day to day, that she understands what she could be missing? Have you actually talked to her about how she feels about going?

Please don't think Lisa & I are cruel people that don't want an older, medically challenged parent at a wedding. We just look at it from their point of view.

LisaE12

Here's a different perspective.  I agree that you should consider what your mother desires.  Does she want to be there for you at your wedding?  Regardless, it would be important to have an experienced nurse/attendant accompany your mother.

I'm sorry to hear that you are terrified of the potential disaster which may or may not happen.  It is honest and understandable.  However, please don't assume that your mother might be terrified to be in public as PP suggested.  Try not to be embarrassed, and again, consider her desires.

Incontinence pads and adult diapers have improved tremendously in recent years.  Make sure your mother has access to the best protection.  The risk of incontinence is one which I will be dealing with at my own wedding, but not from a family member.....from me.  I have multiple sclerosis and I'm already planning ahead.

My advice would be for you to find a way to not personalize the situation quite so much.  Consider renting a port-o-pottie, not just for your mom but for all your guests.  Talk to the venue about this, especially if the bathrooms are not in a public area.  Your other guests may appreciate this. 

southofnormal

Thanks for all the suggestions. You've all given me a lot to think about. :-) LisaE12, sorry te hear about the MS. A friend has it and she also has incontinence problems. :-(

2dBride

I think a whole lot depends on whether your mother is in a mental state to appreciate the wedding.  For several years after my former mother-in-law developed dementia, she still enjoyed going out to brunch with me (and later, with my now wife) every week.  She was often a bit vague about the relationship between us.  (My favorite was the day she told someone I was her older sister--she was in her 80s at the time, and I was in my 50s.)  And she was vague about my wife's name and origin, referring to her as my "little friend" (my wife is considerably shorter than me) or my "Canadian friend."  (My wife is actually Welsh.)  However, there was no doubting the way she lit up when she saw us, or the way she would ask after my wife when I showed up alone.  If I had been married during that time, I would have found a way to have my former mother-in-law there, with whatever adult diapers, padding, Port-a-Potty, aide, or whatever it took.

However, there came a time when the dementia took away even that joy in seeing me.  And when that happened, no matter how much I loved her, I stopped trying to take her anywhere.  If your mother is in a stage at which attending your wedding will not give her joy, then there is no point in bringing her there just because she is your mother.

southofnormal

She's definitely still "with-it"despite the dementia and in a condition where she would enjoy it. She has trouble with sun-downing and rembering days and dates and appointments and such. She gets very argumentative and can be a handful. :-) Last summer she started the microwave on fire while trying to cook a sweet potato, so she's at the point where she can't be trusted cooking.

It's such a drag watching her go through this. She has trouble getting around, too, so we'll need to perhaps look into getting a wheelchair for her.

(Mom will be 75 by the wedding and Dad 79. My Dad is pretty healthy and active, walking and/or biking everyday when the weather cooperates. He has some normal memory loss, I think.)

Thanks again, everyone!