blow out with the MOH.... long story

b.koval1

so I have had a pretty good run with my MOH but we have also had bad ones i.e. her not attending a shower even though she was offered a free ticket and place to stay, and being late or missing events i ask her to be at like make-up trials or little things i ask help for. and she has had a horrible couple of months since i asked her to be my MOH, she lost her job, and recently her car broke down, but recently i lashed out. 8 weeks to go for the wedding and i have what i think was my bridezilla moment. i set up a day on wednesday to go out and look at thank you notes (of all things) and come sun( the thank you note day) i txt to ask when to drive over to her b/c her car broke down, ect ect. she tells me she isn't home. no biggie i say txt me when you get there...... hours go by until i get a txt saying her friend is sick, and she is leaving to go learn to drive stick to drive her other friends truck and wanted to know if monday would work. then my bridzilla kicked in. i ask why would you stay out when you knew we had plans, i need these done today and i have been waiting for you to respond for hours... the convo gets heated when she starts to txt back about how she needed to go out to forget about her problems and she stayed so no one with drink and drive*note this isn't the first time drinking as delayed her* and it was out of her control that she missed our date that we planned 4 days in advance. and she had no regrets for staying out. it throws me over the edge as i tell her the outcome of these little things make me wonder about the big ones. i.e her finanical situtation. and when she is going to buy the dress and book the hotel room for us. the list goes on.so basically she pissed me off but also made me feel guilty for asking her to be my MOH when she can't afford it. and when she has so much negative things going on with her life.I have already offer her the out, asking if she is ok and is 100% with me for the wedding and she told me yes. but then this argument happens. she now feels like i have no faith in her and doesn't want to be the MOH if thats true, but i wouldn't have asked her if i didn't know she could do this.help!!!!! im so torn

1104*Celsius

Ok, first -- breathe. Second, while I don't necessarily subscribe to the some of the national boards' mantra that "all a BM/MOH needs to do is buy the dress and show up", I do think you're asking way too much of her. A MOH does not need to go on all of these errands, make-up trials, or thank-you note shopping (!?) trips with you. Yes, it's nice to have your friend's opinion, but it's not required or necessary. Many brides don't have friends, relatives, etc., around them to plan with. Hell, I didn't even have a MOH, and ALL of my BMs, friends and family lived out of state from me, so I was, in essence, on my own, save for my DH. I had 2 of 5 BMs at one of our showers, and I was grateful for that. Third, if she's having a hard time as it is, you calling her out on trying to let off some steam and breaking plans isn't going to help her or you. It probably doesn't sound like it, but I 110% understand your concern that she may not come through on the big day if she's flaking now (I've been there, believe me), but you telling her this, or acting on those concerns is NOT helping, I promise. Not to mention, how she chooses to spend her time and money is her decision, not yours. Let me add that you shouldn't be choosing your attendants based on what they can do for you. I hope you chose her because you cherish her friendship and want her standing next to you in support of your marriage, and in the years to come. Ultimately, while I understand your anxiety and concern over this, you need to be a friend first and a bride second right now. Apologize for going 'zilla on her, and then put a moratorium on wedding talk for a bit. Be her friend, and lay off of the wedding duties and errands until it's something she NEEDS to be around for or involved with. I'm sorry, that turned into a bit of a lecture, but I think it needed to be said.

sms274

I agree, your MOH is there for support, not to be at your beck and call for errands. I guess I am lucky in that my fiance is willing to go to all of those type of appointments with me,. but I think that is who you should be relying on for thank you card apts, etc. I understand wanting your friend at the make-up trial but it sounds like she is having a hard time dedicating herself fully to those kinds of things with the things. I suggest bringing along one of your bridesmaids or your mom if they live nearby. Just because she is your MOH doesn't mean she has to be the one at all of these. I am relying on different bridesmaids for different things as I get further into my planning as to not wear any one person too thin. After all your wedding, although a big one, is only one day and supposed to be a celebration of the start of your marriage and new life with your husband. It should not be an occassion to strain relatinships with friends.In the end, I would, as suggested above, apologize for the momentary bridezilla moment and move forward from there. Let her know that you are still there for her as a friend (and mean it) and talk about things she wants to be invovled in and what she can commit to and let her know the things that are reallly important for you to have her at and why. Hopefully she will respect you being so honest and upfront while giving her some space to get her life back in order.Hope this helps, good luck!

mresendez

I'm sorry that you're having a rough time. It seems like weddings tend to escalate feelings like these. I think celsius had a lot of good things to say.

b.koval1

i think the reason i blew up over thank you notes ( which weren't important) was the fact that i have been blown off by her before from both my bridal showers. kinda a last straw thing. but  thanks for the "lectures" ladies lol i did feel like i was out of line for blowing up at her.and it doesn't help when i type angry so i left a good deal of info out but none the less i apologized for making a ridiculous bickering match out of, and she apologized for missing out on my bridal showers, we talked thru everything last night and we really understand where each of us stands.  the fight was basically over when I walked through her door and we saw each other and smiled over how stupid it was. ~ ugh gotta love the 8 weeks to go stress, but gotta love a friend who understands how girls can go crazy.thanks again ladies.

mresendez

I don't think there's any need to apologize. Most of us have had similar moments.

sms274

Glad everything worked out with you and your MOH. I'm not looking forward to getting down to crunch time like that. I just hope my friends are as understanding as yours when I start stressing out. Hope everything turns out beautifully and goes off without a hitch!