Illinois-Chicago

Advice---kind of long, sorry!

I belong to a very small, very conservative Lutheran church. I am no longer actively practicing this faith, as I have some issues with the beliefs (I have not officially left this church, as I don't have the heart to tell my mother). My FI was raised catholic but is not practicing. My parents are very active in our church and would like for us to have a pastor from the church perform our ceremony. I have met this pastor only a few times (we live in KS and our families live in Chicago), and am not  comfortable asking him or really anyone from that church to perform our ceremony. They are a very--- "HEY, WE'RE RELIGIOUS! LET ME SHOVE DOWN YOUR THROAT!" type church. FI and I are looking for someone to give us a spiritual but not necessarily religious ceremony. I am certain that this will crush my mother and I'm not sure I want to deal with all the drama right before the wedding. My mom is my best friend and I don't want to hurt her feelings but I/we are not comfortable having a ceremony the way they do their ceremonies. Also, they are contributing a lot monetarily (more than they can afford, I'm sure) to the wedding and I feel like we need to do something their way. I don't want to sacrifice our happiness for my parents or vice versa...I just don't know what to do!

Has anyone else had to deal with this situation before?? How did you deal with it??


Sorry that was long winded and not sure it made any sense!! Thank you!!!

Re: Advice---kind of long, sorry!

  • Wow, that is a tough spot. 

    I see a couple choices. 

    One, you can try to explain to your mother that you want a less religiously focused ceremony. She won't get it or why on earth you would do such a thing, but if you stick to your position and stay calm and gentle and rational, it'll probably work out. After more drma than you want to deal with. 

    Two, you can accept the pastor and do what you can to curb the worst of it. Pick your own readings, vows and scriptures, tell him that you're trying to keep the ceremony quick and so you don't want a sermon, basically give him a script and tell him to follow it. 

    Three, find someone to officiate that you have to use. Apologise to mom, but "We asked FI's brother/mentor/whatever to officiate and it means a lot to him. We want someone who knows us really well." Tell her that you're sure that she'll understand but you want the ceremony to be really special and unique to the two of you and this is the person to do it. Its not that you don't like Pastor Jim, it is that this other person is just beter for your ceremony.

    Because they are paying for a lot of the wedding, you probably do need to decide where you are going to comprimise with them. This may even be one of those points.
  • Sounds like you and I are in a very similar situatuion. I also grew up Conservative Lutheran in Chicago. And I am getting married in a Lutheran church in the city. The reason we love the church (aside from how beautiful the church is) is because the pastor is understanding. He understands that our parents have a much strong faith than we do. He also isnt very stiff. He is a person you can joke with. The first time I met him he made a tiger woods joke. He was a great compromise for our family.

    If you want his name, PM me. I dont know if you are getting married in the city or not. But maybe he could recommend someone more local for you.
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  • I don't really have much advice for you, but I know in the Catholic church, you can either get married and have a whole mass or just get married in a Catholic ceremony, but no mass. I've seen it both ways and the ceremony without the mass was like 20 minutes long. Is this something that you can possibly do in the Lutheran church? You'd still be married by the pastor that your mom wants, and at the church, but the church-y things will be very minimal. If I remember right (it was a long time ago), the Catholic ceremony without the mass did not include any readings or anything. I think it was just straight wedding related things.
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  • So our story is a little different.
    I was raised null. My husband Catholic. When we met he was a very lapsed Catholic. I'm spiritual, but not affiliated with anything. Then he got cancer: his mother threw herself into her faith (understandable- her husband passed, then her mom, then she had a cancer bout, then her son),  Joe on the other hand lost his faith and became atheist. 

    So when wedding planning happened we made some strategic decisions to alleviate some of the "headache" of having the dicusssion. As MIL really, really wanted a blessing.
    We choose to have the ceremony at the same place as the reception, and it's not a church. So what does this mean- Catholics apparently can't get married physically outside the structure of a church and have it count. 

    MIL very much wanted a "blessing" of us. So we were able to say- go find the one you like who will do it at the location. And it took 7 months, but she did. And it's someone that the hubby is really happy about- as it happens to be a retired pastor, father dude (IDK the right term) who was good friends with his dad.  So it's a nice touch that it's nod to his dad, his mom get's her blessing...and God willing we won't get struck by lightening.
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  • I am a MOB, and a soon to be MOG.  I am Catholic, and attended parochial schools through college.  I have some pretty "diehard" beliefs that are difficult to reconcile with current traditions and practices.

    My son will marry outside of the church.  He's pretty much marrying outside of any box.  His childhood friend, whom I have seen wear a Spiderman costume in his teen years (don't ask) will officiate.  Yep...got the certification on line.  We have gifted what will probably amount to 3/4 of the wedding. 

    It will be difficult for me to witness this ceremony with the same perspective as I did my daughters wedding, which was a full blown nuptial Mass.  I will focus my energy on how much I adore my soon to be DIL, and the love she shows my son.  I will focus on the man my son has become, and the love he has for his bride. 

    I would not say that this lack of religious ceremony will "crush" me per se, but it is not easy.  But, I love my children and respect them for the wonderful and caring people that they are, and am grateful they both found significant others that bring the best out of them and their best to them.  Perhaps your mother will surprise you.  She obviously must know the person you have become (religiously), and may already be anticipating a "different approach" to your ceremony.  Good luck!
  • Not exactly the same scenario, but similar. We were both raised Catholic; my parents don't practice, but my Grandmother and Aunts are very devout, as is my husband's entire family. We knew getting married in the church was not for us, but knew it would be difficult for his parents and my Grandmother. Many tears were shed over us not getting married in the church (my Aunt told me my Grandma was so old she would surely be dying soon and us getting married outside of the church would devastate her...not true), but we were able to find a retired Catholic priest to perform the ceremony (got married in the same place as the reception). While he is no longer an ordained Priest (so our marriage is not recognized by the church), he still brought some of the "feel" of the Catholic ceremony that very much pleased our families. Our family saw that we were compromising to make them happy and it went far with them.

    I think you really need to have an honest, calm, gentle discussion with your parents so you can make sure they understand where you're coming from and you can also gauge just how big of a deal this is to them; that will help frame your decision on what to do.

    Maybe you can find some way to compromise on the ceremony - maybe not get married in the church, but find another officiant that can bring some religious aspects to the ceremony without making you uncomfortable and still pleasing your mother?
  • My fiancee and I were both raised Catholic.  While my fiancee has basically become an athiest, I am spiritual but not 100% with the teachings of the Catholic church.  That being said, it was important to me to have a ceremony, but he was absolutely not having any religious affiliation, even non-denomenational.  His reasoning was he didn't want to marry under God, including prayer, etc. if he didn't truly mean it.

    I began to look up non-religious officiants and that led me to dayofdreams.com - Thomas Witham, a Humanist Celebrant.  It was perfect for our goals.  There is no reason why a ceremony can't be heartfelt or special without religion involved.  In my eyes, no matter where we are, we're under God anyway. 


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  • In terms of your family, I would say explain to your family that it is important to you and your fiancee to respect each other's beliefs and not favor one over the other, so you chose to not have a religious ceremony or you can go non-denominational.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_illinois-chicago_advice-kind-of-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:72Discussion:0e012c71-aa9c-4bf3-8923-2744bf495969Post:00faad8f-607c-4690-a069-6816aae745ce">Re: Advice---kind of long, sorry!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am a MOB, and a soon to be MOG.  I am Catholic, and attended parochial schools through college.  I have some pretty "diehard" beliefs that are difficult to reconcile with current traditions and practices. My son will marry outside of the church.  He's pretty much marrying outside of any box.  His childhood friend, whom I have seen wear a Spiderman costume in his teen years (don't ask) will officiate.  Yep...got the certification on line.  We have gifted what will probably amount to 3/4 of the wedding.  It will be difficult for me to witness this ceremony with the same perspective as I did my daughters wedding, which was a full blown nuptial Mass.  I will focus my energy on how much I adore my soon to be DIL, and the love she shows my son.  I will focus on the man my son has become, and the love he has for his bride.  I would not say that this lack of religious ceremony will "crush" me per se, but it is not easy.  But, I love my children and respect them for the wonderful and caring people that they are, and am grateful they both found significant others that bring the best out of them and their best to them.  Perhaps your mother will surprise you.  She obviously must know the person you have become (religiously), and may already be anticipating a "different approach" to your ceremony.  Good luck!
    Posted by mobkaz[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>You are a wonderful mother, mobkaz!

    </div>
  • WinterWed17WinterWed17 member
    100 Comments
    edited February 2012
    I had a really difficult time explaining to my mother that I was no longer practicing the religion I grew up with and was marrying in a different church. Our engagement was the lowest point in our relationship. But it was really important to be honest with my mom and be true to myself. It was rough, but we got through it after a lot of fighting and then serious discussion.

    The engagement period sets the tone for marriage, and in many cases signifies adulthood. And part of being an adult is telling your parents who you are and what you believe now.

    However, you should be prepared that your parents may decide not to finance your wedding. Ours didn't offer any money after the religion issue was brought into the open. But we are adults and scaled our wedding to something we could afford.
  • Thanks for your advice everyone!! I plan to talk to my mom about it as soon as I can. I appreciate all your help!!!
  • Wish you the best! I know it's not easy, so I hope things go well for you and your mom.
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