Second Reception? (long)

ewenner

Hello ladies! I am not sure if there is a better board to post this on, but since the Chicago board has been helpful for me so far, I am hoping you all can help me out here. Anyway, to give you a little back-story, I was born and raised in South Jersey, where most of my family still lives. My fiance was born and raised in St. Louis, and most of his family is still there. Since he and I met and live here in Chicago, we decided to get married here. We also figured that this would be most "fair" to everyone, since both families would be traveling, and no one would feel unduly "put-out." Now, back in 2002, when my sister got married, her wedding was in Minnesota, where they and her husband's family live. Back then, our mother insisted that they have a second wedding reception - a month or so after the actual wedding - in New Jersey to accomodate those people who did not make it to Minnesota for the wedding. Although this sounds nice in theory, the problem was that since everyone knew there would be a second reception in NJ, many of them simply didn't bother to make the trip out to Minnesota. Ok, fast forward to today. Now that I am getting married, my mother is planning again to throw a second reception in NJ for anyone who doesn't make it out to Chicago. I would so much rather her just contribute all that money she is putting into this second reception to the REAL wedding, which my fiance and I are paying for entirely on our own. Or even if she didn't want to do that, if she could use that money to help those family members afford to come out to Chicago for the actual wedding. I guess I just feel like she's willing to drop all this money on a second wedding reception, that fiance and I don't really want, but is not willing to actually contribute to the wedding. Is it wrong of me to not want this second reception and prefer that people come to the "real thing?" Am I being selfish, or a bridezilla? Please ladies, set me straight, if I am. And tell me what - if anything - I should say to my mother. Should I just let this one go? I'm sorry for the long rant, but i really but some help here. TIA!

Noron

I don't think you're wrong at all.  We attended something very similar to this (couple wed somewhere else and had a second full-fledged reception here), where the bride and groom re-created everything they did at the real wedding.  It was AWKWARD...I felt like we were watching a giant photo-op or a play.  The excitement from the couple was gone - they were already married.Now I'm not sure if this is a similar situation - does your mom want you to wear the dress and have a ceremony again?  Either way, this is a pretty crappy situation for you.  Maybe just sitting down and talking to her to explain why you're uncomfortable with the situation? I'm sorry you're in such a tough spot.

creese72

I think that you are absolutely justified to feel the way you do.  I was almost in a similar situation.  I'm from Ohio and FI is from Bloomington, IL.  We're doing everything here, but my dad wanted to do a second reception in Ohio.  Granted, it's a lot closer than New Jersey (and only a four hour drive) so many of our family should be able to make it here pretty easily.  I really felt that if we did go that route, people would only get invited to one or the other - not both.  I didn't want to give people an option to pick which event they attended.  (Thankfully it never came to that!)  I explained that our hope was to have everyone celebrate with us here on THE DAY.  I also tried to stress the "fair" and "balanced" arguement.  What we do for one family, we need to do for the other.  For instance, if we're doing another reception in OH, then in all fairness, we should do another one in FI's hometown.  (Just like if I invite one cousin's children, I need to not only invite all of my other cousins' children but also all of FI's cousins' children.) The wedding is for both families - not just one side or another.  Well actually it's for YOU and your FI, but both families should be there to celebrate.  Ultimately, he realized that it cost way too much to do two.I'm not sure if any of this will help, but I wanted to let you know you're not alone!  Good luck!!

mandybear7

What would the second reception entail?Like Noron, I attended an AHR this summer. The couple was married, yet she wore the white gown, had a first dance, the BM wore their dresses, etc- and yes, it was awkward. I was happy to celebrate with the couple, but it just seemed strange because it wasn't actually their wedding.If your mom wants to throw a BBQ or a get-together for those that can't afford to travel, then go for it! But if it's an extravagent full-on reception, just let her know your reservations and that you would love for these people to attend the actual wedding celebration.I would not, however, bring up the money issue. You can't tell your mother what to do with her wedding. Don't ask her to contribute to the wedding here, instead of a second reception. Good luck!

chosen175

I agree - a full fledged redo of your wedding reception here would be kind of creepy. I mean, your wedding day is only ONE day. Once it's over, it's over. I would tell your mom that you don't want to take away from the actual wedding day by redoing it in NJ. If she insists on hosting something, maybe she can do a brunch or casual luncheon. Wear a white dress, but not necessarily your wedding dress. Have your dh wear a suit. You can "give in" and agree to do a cake cutting if she insists on having it a little more wedding-like but I definitely wouldn't go full-on wedding reception. I definitely would NOT tell your mom that she should spend her money on your "real" reception. It's just not polite to tell others how to spend their money. If she wanted to offer it up for your wedding, she would have. Leave that decision to her. Maybe if she throws something more casual in NJ, she will offer up the excess $$ she had put aside for your actual wedding day. GL!

schaiblejen

UGH, i feel your pain... my mom did the same thing to us, we had an at home reception in Michigan after our Downtown wedding...  We paid for our wedding ourselves and my mom and dad dropped a decent amount of money on this at home reception, that we really could at used for the real thing...   It was pretty casual/BBQ feel but she did order a wedding cake that was BIGGER than the cake at the real reception. I hardly knew anyone at the at home reception, alot of parents co workers and distant relatives I hadnt seen in 10  years....  It kinda sucked...  However, my mom loved it...  I think she was more excited about that then the real wedding...  I found i couldnt really tell my mom how to spend thier money, and ended up having to keep my mouth shut and go through the motions of the day. Good luck!

duckie1905

While I agree, it seems kind of ridiculous to spend her money on a completely separate reception it is her money.  If that's how she wants to spend it she has every right to do so (while not contributing to the actual event). But, at the same time, you have every right to decline her offer for the 2nd reception.  Is she assuming that many will not be able to travel for one reason or another (weather, money, job issues, etc)?  I think her heart is in the right place with this. I don't blame you for how you feel but you really can't control or dictate what she does or how she spends her money.  You can only control your actions and if you really don't want to attend this event then just say thanks but no thanks and call it a day.  She probably still won't contribute to the wedding and you may get many that can't or don't want to attend the real wedding (especially if she's talked up the at-home version).

sandra78

though this is a tough issue, it is her money and her generosity so you cannot unfortunately decide what she does with it. you can try to politely tell her that it would make you happiest if she did it the way you wanted, but fussing about it too much might be a bridezilla move

shakken

I can understand your concerns, and that is a tough situation. I would just talk to her about how you feel and express your concerns honestly to her. Just make sure it's apparent that you've really thought about it. If you haven't already, tell her you picked Chicago because it is a middle ground (which it sounds like your sister's wedding wasn't). Above all else, keep her feelings in mind. And make every effort to show her this in the way you talk to her. She is offering something she does not have to offer to you. And it really sounds like her heart is in the right place. Your best bet might be to try and reach a compromise. Your mother might throw you a party in New Jersey but not heavily advertise it until after your wedding is over. That way it will be for the people who truly can't make it. Or, maybe you can have a very small, informal gathering that isn't so much like a second reception as a house party. Good luck!

mirandarocks

my parents are doing the exact same thing! they're not helping at all with the pricey chicago wedding but are throwing a 2nd reception for us in so. illinois.(and they're kinda being cheapos on that!) basically my mom and dad think it's ridiculous for me to get married in chicago (even though i've lived here 12 years!) and will only pay so. illinois prices for a wedding... personally i think you should let it go - that's what i'm doing - you'll go the 2nd reception and probably have a blast , you don't want to totally alienate the parents - this is a very tricky time for them and yourself! i've learned lots of chances for hurt feelings.

ewenner

Thank you ladies all so much for your input. I see what you are saying about not trying to tell my mom what to do with her generosity - I don't want to seem ungrateful. And I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one in the same situation. When my mother did this for my sister, she initially wanted her to wear the gown again, etc - but my sister put her foot down and said no to that. She just wore a simple white sundress, so I think I would be off the hook for wearing the gown again. I think I will try suggesting that it be something more casual and not so heavily "advertised" ahead of time. I hope she will be ok with that. Thank you all again! You guys rule!