Ceremony Schizophrenia

MrsV2B2011

Hi Girls,

I know I have been MIA for a while.  Things have been a bit looney with planning, work, family, and all of that good stuff.  Anyway, I need some advice.

FI and I were both raised Catholic so we just went ahead and booked his family church to have our wedding.  We do not, however, attend church regularly and disagree with many of the church's ideas about what we need to do to be a successful couple.  (As an FYI, FI and I have been together for 9 straight years with not one break up so I think we know a thing or two about being successful as a couple;).)

Anyway, lately, as we start to jump through all of the hoops the church is asking of us we are starting to feel like the church wedding is more work than it is worth.  We would still like it to have some spiritual element, but we both know that if we do Pre-Cana we are going to end up flat out lying to the priest about the stuff they ask you and neither of us feel good about doing that at all.  FI is also not happy about the idea of having a 3 hour gap between the ceremony and the reception.  

We are having our reception at a golf course and there is a beautiful ceremony area there so now we are thinking that would be a better move for us to have the ceremony there and get an officiant like a married Catholic Priest or Rent-A-Rev.  We have decided to discuss it over dinner tonight so we can get this decision out of the way, but I would just like some advice from you ladies.  What do you all think?  Have any of you gone through this?  I know that a lot of our family will be a little disappointed of we don't do it at the church, but it is our wedding and we have made a pact that every decision we make will be the best one for us and no one else.

Thanks for all of your help ladies!!

lkeefner

i say do what is best for you.  I also was raised Catholic, I attend church every Sunday and there are many things I don't agree with in the Catholic church.  But, I am still getting married in a Catholic Church.  I really want one of my BMs dad to marry us.  He is a Catholic deacon and in order for him to marry us, it has to be in the actual church building. I am forgoing my previous desire to get married outside, because to me it will be more meaningful to have him marry us than it would to be married in a location outside.
So, IMO I would do what would make you both happy and what would be the most meaningful to you  both.  Its your day not  anyone elses so you and your future husband are all that matter.

PharmacyBride

I really think you should do what makes you happy!!  The ceremony is such an intimate part of the day.. and it should be a reflection of the two of you.

I highly recommend the golf course ceremony site!!

mbuhpathi

Do what makes you both the happiest. It doesn't make sense to stand up to rules you dont believe in, but perhaps you can find someone affiliated with the church or relgion to officiate over your wedding with ideals that are meaningful to you and your families.

Ainslie325

If you no longer feel strongly that the Catholic faith is the best one for either of you, this seems like a perfect opportunity to invesitage new faith traditions.  I don't think you necessarily need to fear pre cana, though.  There's no expectation on the part of the program that you be "a Catholic without questions."  Questioning your faith is natural, and it might be a great time to explore, on a personal level, some of the doctrinal issues that you take issue with.  Based on what I know about pre cana, no one is going to give you a grilling on social issues, or your personal view on salvation, or your premarital sex life or living situation.  It's supposed to be a strengthening, affirming time to build your relationship with each other and God.

If you've gotten to the point that the only thing you can find left in the Catholic church that you really value are your memories from childhood, you might want to take another look at whether this church is the right one for you and your family.  While I still feel strongly about my faith and identitiy as a Catholic, I was unwilling to subvert my husband's faith by promising to raise our children Catholic-- to me, his faith (he's Lutheran) is just as important as my own.  Additionally, I have never been comfortable with the idea of willfully misleading a priest about my intention to do so.  We ended up getting married in a congregational (UCC) church and flew in DH's childhood pastor (Lutheran) from Omaha to celebrate.  The fact that he knew DH and his family well (and had gotten to know me, too) made for a wonderful celebration.  Now I'm legally married in the eyes of the state and married in the eyes of the Lutheran Church- Missouri Synod, but, because I didn't seek a dispensation from canonical form from the Catholic church, I am living in sin. 

It's not keeping me up nights.

njohnson0330

I agree with the pp's do what makes you both the happy and comfortable.  Also I love the post title!  Made me laugh.

jbll326

Ditto everything already said. We were both raised Catholic, but neither of us attend church and do not actively practice. We knew our parents and grandparents would be disappointed (some of them very much so), so we compromised and found a married catholic priest - he brought many of the traditional ceremony elements without us having to go through all the "hoops" you mentioned or feel hypocritical getting married in a place we don't care to go to any other time of the year. He was also able to come to our venue, unlike a Catholic Priest. He had been a priest for many many years, but fell in love with a nun in his parish and together they decided to give up their positions and get married.

Our family members absolutely loved the ceremony, even those who were horrified that we weren't getting married in the church (I was seriously worried that my MIL would disown us). Ultimately, everyone will understand and be happy that you chose a ceremony that reflects you and your FI and who you are as a couple, no matter what you decide to do. HTH!