Destination Etiquette Question

KateH2013

My fiance and I are having a destination wedding on the island of Kauai. We wanted to make sure all of our invited guests had time to save so we sent our save the dates 12 months before the wedding. (Our bridal party knew earlier.)

My sister just had a child and she decided that they don't want to fly the baby (who will be 13 months) that distance. I absolutely understand 100%! My sister said she'll do what she can do be there (I've asked her to be a bridesmaid). My issue is that I continuously get texts from her husband (who is not attending) telling me that I need to make sure I throw a huge, elaborate reception if I'm requiring people to travel so far (we're on the east coast). He keeps pressing that I need to make this trip worth while for guests. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can handle his pressure?

FSForever

Don't let it get to you. Plan the wedding you want and if being family isn't enough to make him want to be part of it then I wouldn't take his texts seriously. If you are close to your sister I am sure she will hear about your plans and she can pass them on to him. 

kimmykupcakes

Tell him to buzz off and that you are throwing the wedding you and FI want not that he wants.

Tanq&Tonic

Wow, your brother in law sounds quite inappropriate.  It's really none of his business, and I wouldn't let his antics get to you too much -- ignore his texts, don't respond, and yes let your sister determine the right decision for her family.

However, I kind of agree with the spirit of his comment, which is that you should indeed be a gracious host if you are inviting guests to travel very far.  That to me means a full meal as part of the reception, as well as drinks (beer and wine are fine) -- not just a cake and punch type reception that would be acceptable at a local park at home.  This doesn't mean it has to be catered by a Michelin rated restaurant, or that you need crystal chairs, but it does mean you need to take care of the basics in being a good host: a chair for every butt, the equivalent of a full meal and some beverages for the reception, being considerate with the schedule (eg, no 4 hour gap for photos), etc.  If your budget allows, I am also a big fan of hosting at least one other activity -- a welcome BBQ at your condo complex/park, welcome drinks, brunch the morning after, luau, anything from low budget to high budget that shows your desire to spend more time with your guests and that you really appreciate the effort they've made.

Finally, out of town bags would be another way a lot of us have tried to show our guests how much it means they have traveled to support us.  They don't have to cost much, but some water, snacks, and a welcome note at check-in definitely goes a long way.

allisonpickup80

Wow crazy! I think you're the one who will know your family best and what they would enjoy/expect.... So just go with your gut and do what you think is right and appropriate. Don't give him any unneeded attention on this matter... Just get along with your planning and do what you think is best......unless of course he's offering to pay lol

dianalynm

I agree with the other brides on the board. Do what you and your FI want to do for a wedding, but I second what Tanq said. 

Definitely just ignore his messages...and tell him to mind his own business...lol. j/k! ;P If you do, though, be nice about it! Haha

destiny1108

we were lucky, nobody gave us any grief, but so many people thanked us for having a wedding in Hawaii as they had a great vacation in addition to the wedding.  The island is so pretty it does not have to be elaborate, the sunset was more than money can buy!

flash8785

"Kill 'em with kindness" is always a helpful phrase to go by.  I would just reply by saying that you are very aware of how difficult it is for guests coming.  You are very humbled and appreciative of everyone who is making the trip.  I'd also respond by saying that you understand that he'd like a great trip, and so would you!  You'll do "everything within your budget" to make it a memorable time.

I agree, it's not the kindest comment, but it probably means that he's comfortable enough with you to talk casually...even if he shouldn't.  I've had a bridesmaid that has mentioned far too many times that she is spending so much on the trip.  Keep your head up high.  It'll be amazing in the end.

By the way, my wedding is in Kauai in a few months.  If you have ANY questions about vendors, message me!

kaesha

Yeah, he's a jerk for pointing it out, but I also agree with Tanq. Guests ARE shelling out a ton of money (not to mention vacation time), and I also think it's important to be a good host. The last wedding I flew across the country for gave us appetizers and a cash bar and a 4 hour delay between the service and reception (and obviously, I use that term loosely).

Yeah, I totally gave them the side eye and rewrote my cheque that was their present.

carrieoz_76

I totally agree with Tanq and Allyson.  You don't have to have a fancy and expensive reception, but you do need to make your guests feel welcome and appreciated - especially when they will go through so much trouble to be with you.  We had a hosted dinner followed by a party with cake, pie and drinks, and my in-laws hosted a welcome reception (during happy hour at a lounge/bar in Kihei on Maui), plus we did give out welcome bags.  It was such a small group and we were just so HAPPY that they could join us that I really wanted to show that to them, which I think we did.

With that said, how you do the above things are totally up to you and your FI, and you just ignore your brother-in-law.  

Jkualani

Rule number one with your wedding do not listen to anyone else. People lose track of what a wedding is. This is a celebration to bring two people together for their continuous journey.  Take your bro in law with a garin of salt, he is just bitter that he has to be alone with his baby. Men, are helpless with babies if their wives aren't around. Just look at it this way your wedding is going to give him a lesson to man up and take responsibility of his kid and stop making you feel guilty... Just laugh!!!! Anyone who gives you any demands about your day, just laugh..

KateH2013

Thanks, everyone! This is really helpful. We're already planning welcome bags, a BBQ party (separate from the reception), and we're trying to stay under budget to see if we can pay for a group activity (maybe pay 1/2 of the ticket price for a luau for each person interested?). I've also been to weddings where the photo sessions take way too long - we'll avoid that and make sure everyone has a great meal - plenty and drink - at the reception