Hawaii

Bridal Shower - Who gets invited?

Hello girls,

Hoping to get your advise since most of you are destination brides and will be having other wedding related events.

My bff will be throwing a bridal shower for me and asked for a guest list. I am only inviting my immediate family and a few very close friends and relatives who I grew up with to our ceremony in Hawaii. I have a large extended family who will not be invited to the wedding in Hawaii, but will be invited to our home reception.

Is it ok for me to invite my extended family to my bridal shower, even though they will not be recieving an invite to our Hawaii ceremony but will be invited to our home reception?

Thanks for your help!!

Re: Bridal Shower - Who gets invited?

  • breanessbreaness member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Depending on who you ask you'll get different answers.

    For me, the answer is yes. My shower is in 2 weeks and it's a very small group, but there are women invited that are only invited to the AHR (our wedding is just us and our parents). Everyone kept asking if we were having one and wanted to come and celebrate with us. If you ask this question on the etiquette board, which I don't recommend doing because they're vultures over there, they'll tell you by having a DW you're giving up the right to pre-wedding parties. Well I say poo on them! If someone wants to throw you a shower, let them, and invite whoever you feel comfortable inviting.

    Since our DW is so small and I didn't want to run the risk of offending anyone I invited my friends who I knew wouldn't judge, my grandmother, FI's mom & grandmother, and a few aunts.
  • dianab0237dianab0237 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    LOL! That's the exact reason why I didn't post on the ettiquete ( I can't even spell it right!) board, plus you guys would have a better understanding since we're all living and breathing DW.

    I didn't want any pre-wedding events, but I'm not going to turn away my bff who wants to do something for me since she can't make it to Hawaii. I figure this is our way to celebrate together.

    I think either way, someone is going to get offended but I can't please everyone. All I know is that I want a very intimate wedding with a big party when we get back. Plain & simple and I hope that my family will understand that.
  • carrieoz_76carrieoz_76 member
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    The traditionally correct thing to do is to only invite people to the shower who are invited to the wedding.  The general rule is that when you have a small wedding, one of the things you have to accept is that your pre-wedding festivities will also be scaled down.

    People do this differently, as you're considering doing it, when they're having a small DW and an AHR.  I personally chose not to go this route because it didn't feel right to me.

    I think if you do decide to invite ppl to the shower who aren't invited to the wedding itself, you should just be aware that this is a diversion from the more proper way of doing things - many people may not care, but some could.  Ultimately, it's your call.
  • edited December 2011
    I agree with Brea - it's kind of a matter of personal preference and what works for you.  Technically, you shouldn't do it this way, but honestly, there's not much that follows tradition (or the strictest etiquette standards) for DW brides.  I didn't invite anyone to the shower that wasn't invited to Hawaii...it just didn't feel right to me at all.  If we're not close enough for you to be in HI, we're not close enough for you to come celebrate extra and lavish gifts on me.

    Only you know your audience.  If Aunt Sue is absolutely OK with being on the AHR list only, and will feel offended/sad/disappointed if she isn't invited to your shower, then of course, invite her.  She wants to celebrate with you.  If Aunt Sue is miffed already about being relegated to the AHR list, don't throw salt on the wound by inviting her to a pre-party.  Might be on a case by case basis (and then you might get into a situation where you invited Aunt Jane but not Sue and Sue's mad).  Another possible way to temper things might be for your bff to suggest no gifts...you can have the celebration but not seem gift grabby (eg, bring me a gift for the shower AND for the AHR, but you're still not good enough to make my wedding ceremony list).

    I'm rambling, but it's a very roundabout way of saying that no single rule will cover every nuance of your relationships, so use your best judgement.
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  • dianab0237dianab0237 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    You raise a good point Tanq&Tonic..I dont want them to feel like they aren't good enough to come with us to Hawaii...honestly, we just couldn't afford to have a big wedding as we're paying for it ourselves. I also agree with your suggestion for no gifts and the different situations where I invite one aunt or cousin, but not the other...

    This is a toughie....
  • maui2011maui2011 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Personally for DWs i feel that anyone who is invited to either the wedding, AHR or both can be invited to the bridal shower.  As well gifts NEVER mandatory are always appreciated.  Ask yourself this question...if you were having a local wedding who would you like present at your bridal shower...if these names appear on either your wedding, AHR or both lists then invite them if not then don't worry about it...pleasing everyone will never happen.  Just because you are having a DW with a limited number of invited guests does not mean that you cannot partake in the whole wedding experience the way you want.  HTH! J. :-)
  • carrieoz_76carrieoz_76 member
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_hawaii_bridal-shower-gets-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:73Discussion:6c91d20a-e3f9-4c64-89b6-b8444800b393Post:db54c08c-3ace-493b-8eb1-9d0c3c091a58">Re: Bridal Shower - Who gets invited?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Just because you are having a DW with a limited number of invited guests does not mean that you cannot partake in the whole wedding experience the way you want.
    Posted by maui2011[/QUOTE]
    If the question is what's the proper etiquette with regard to who to invite to a shower or any other pre-wedding festivity, the answer is that you should only invite people to a pre-wedding festivity if they are also invited to the wedding, and that actually one of the things you do sacrifice in having a small wedding is having things like big showers.  The reasoning is that if someone is good enough to be expected to give a gift (and what's the purpose of a shower but to shower you with gifts), then they should also be good enough to be invited to the wedding.<div>
    </div><div>Certainly anyone can do whatever they want, and many people don't give a rat's behind about traditional etiquette.  Many may not even be aware of the etiquette on this issue.  But that's due to individual decision-making, not proper etiquette.</div><div>
    </div><div>Like with most wedding decisions, I found it helpful to learn the "proper" etiquette and the reasoning behind it so that I could decide it was right for us or whether I wanted to go my own way.  We generally made these decisions based on whether the rules fit us and whether what we might do instead was likely to hurt anyone we cared about.</div>
  • maui2011maui2011 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011

    Sorry...i do not want to hijack this convo but i feel that my quote was taken out of context. IMHO if you are having a DW and an AHR then everyone invited to either or both can also be included in pre-wedding festivities. Please keep in mind that traditional weddings do not usually have AHRs thus only those invited to the wedding should be invited to pre-wedding parties/get togethers. HTH! J. :-)

  • breanessbreaness member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I agree with Maui2011. We have 10 people RSVP'd for the shower. That's tiny. The only people that are going to be at the wedding that will also be at the shower are my mom and FI's mom. I didn't invite even half of who I would if we were having a local wedding because to me it didn't feel right. I invited those who I had been to showers for and those who had asked. 

    People seemed almost OFFENDED when I told them it wasn't proper etiquette and told me that I should just let them throw it. (My mom, best friend and cousin, namely.) Also, of course, when I schooled my mom with my etiquette knowledge on the topic she sent me a dozen or so links that said that if you're having an AHR you can have a shower. So it seems to me that on TK, people lean towards wedding = shower invite, not AHR... but there are other places that disagree.
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