VENT: I'm furious with my family

maniac0511

I just talked to my sister (MOH) about the guests that are going to be invited to the wedding.  She and my mom kept making me feel guilty and mad at the same time about the uncle that I plan on not inviting.  Basically, I want to keep guests under 30 people.  My mom has 5 siblings.  I want to only invite 3 of her siblings since I'm closer to them out of 5.  And the news spread quickly to everyone that I will be having a wedding in Hawaii.  So .. he and his wife (whom I never met) really want to go!  On top of that, his wife even talked to my mom about having her young son as a ring bearer!!!  I was like .. WTH?????  I don't even know her!    While on the phone with my sis, shejust said to me 'why can't you invite them?  It's not like you are paying for them.  You are not paying plane tickets, hotels.'  I was soooo furious after I heard that.

What makes me upset the most is that ... my family didn't offer to pay for the wedding which I'm okay with that because we are paying everything by ourselves.  However, my fiance's dad gave us money to help out ... and his family never pressure us on who to invite.  My fiance has many uncles and aunts as well and we only invite a few.  But yet .. my mom wants me to invite all of her brothers and sisters!!!

I can't help but feel that they will get upset with me.  My plan is .. to put that uncle on my 'C' list.  If it turns out that only 25 guests or so will make it, then I'll send him invitation.  But on the other hand, the other aunts and uncles of mine will receive the invitation first .. and again .. news spread really quickly in my family ... my 'C' list uncle might feel left out and wonder why he received the invitation later than everyone else (if I ever decided to send one).  I honestly don't know what to do.  I don't mind having him and his wife there, but I just want to wait and see how many close friends of mine will make it.

Who knew that inviting guests can be stressful!!!!   Thank you for listening (reading) 

  

caiandcullen

First, sorry that you're going through this -- the guestlist determination was definitely one of the most stressful things while we were planning as well. 

I'm not really sure about your relationship with your family but there's always the option of asking your parents to help out with the 2 siblings that you are not close with and didn't intend on inviting. All our of parents paid for "extra" people they wanted to invite -- friends, coworkers, extended family, etc. We paid for each of our parents siblings (all 4 come from a family of 7, and my stepmom is one of 4) and their spouses. Our parents paid for their siblings' kids and families. So maybe a compromise can be reached there with your family if you tell your mom, "look, I do not feel close to X and Y. Perhaps you could chip in money to cover the costs of their dinner, etc since you really want them to come along - otherwise, it's really not in our budget."

OR... if your relationship with your family isn't one where you can ask your parents for money, you may just want to weigh the pros and cons of just inviting your mom's 2 siblings plus their spouses, since FI's dad is giving you money (that wasn't originally in your budget, so it's like a nice little extra gift), and not deal with the drama...

Additionally, I do not think it's a good idea to have invitations go out in waves. We had an "A" list and a "B" list, but we combined them in to 1 list before sending out the invitations so that no one was hurt when they heard that others had received their invites a lot earlier. Especially if you're having a smaller wedding where most of the guests will know each other.

Good luck!

kaesha

Honestly, I think it's poor form to invite some aunts and uncles but not others. I get that you're not close to them, but if you choose not to invite them, you're not going to ever have a relationship with them, and the relationship between your mum and her siblings could be damaged too (especially if they're anything like my family's dynamics). Either say yes to all of them or say no to all of them, but there's no in between without seriously hurting feelings.

If your parents aren't giving you money, they're not giving you money. I get that a lot of people will argue that they shouldn't have a say in the decision making process... but, I don't know. That makes me feel icky. I mean, in life, do you only consider others' points of view if they have a cheque in hand? I would assume not, right? So, let the money stuff go.

Ultimately, it's up to you to weigh those pros and cons. The wedding is just one day. What kind of a relationship do you want to have with these people for the rest of your lives?

Edit: Also, I totally agree with Cai, don't do two mailings. With two mailings, people will inevitably know when they've been B listed and that just sucks to know you're not considered important enough to make the first cut.

Tanq&Tonic

What Kaesha said, 100%.  I'm sorry this is such a stressful process for you, and I hope you guys can resolve it quickly.  IMO, you really won't notice whether 4 additional people were there (mom's 2 other siblings + SOs) but your family will notice forever if they weren't.  If budget is an issue, I would consider compromising somewhere else (eg, flowers!) to help cover that cost.

Also, if the size of the wedding is your main concern, you will likely have some dropouts between now and then.  We had 2 couples say they were absolutely coming, and by the time we needed final count, something had come up and they were no longer able to make it.

motoLyn

Maniac I'm sorry to hear that you have to deal with this issue.  I  know its hard and I am in the same boat as you, though I haven't made it as far.  When FI and I started doing a rough run of our wedding guest list it became  apparent that FI's side was going to be much larger than mine ( I got a bit upset at that, even though we both are paying for the wedding equally but I'm dealing with that).  In reality the only people I wanted to invite where immediate family and friends.  No extendeds, no aunts, uncles or cousins.  Grandma would be there of course since she basically raised me.  Fi has two dads biological one and step dad and from there there's his biological dad's brother and his wife and kid and biological dad's sister and her husband and son.  So I got pressured into inviting my dad's brother and my aunt and cousin (they live next door to my parents).  That's where I put my foot down.  But I know if my mom's younger sisters hear about this and know they weren't invited then they would get upset.  But I don't know them, I never really have.  They don't keep in touch with me and they always placed guilt trips on my mom.  I can already picture a plethora of other family members grumbling as well we friends.  But I can't please everyone and I have to keep it under 50. 

I know that you tried to explain it to your mom and sister.  But they need to understand where you're coming from.  Perhaps having an in depth conversation and then asking them to help you by coming up with a suitable compromise would be an option. 

breaness

I have to say we're in the same situation too and while the way we are handling it may hurt some feelings, it's the way we want to handle it.

FI's family is all from PA and we're only inviting one of his aunts to our AHR. The rest of them are very distant (emotionally) and it would just be awkward to have them there, especially given that this is a small group and everyone invited is someone that we are close to and really love. 

In the case of my family, we're only inviting my dad's brother and not my mom's brothers since my dad's brother is closer (PA to MD, vs VT to MD). I am emotionally closer to my mom's family but we don't want them to drive all the way down here just for a dinner party. We're going to go up there and celebrate with them late this summer and have a cookout at my grandmother's (I'm cooking!)

I'm sure I'd get eaten alive on the etiquette board for going this route, but it's what we're doing because it's what we're comfortable with. Our guestlist is 65 people total, and that's including friends, family and close colleagues. The list is mostly friends with about 5 colleagues and then close family (parents, grandparents and one set of aunt/uncle each).

Our parents are totally in support of our decisions. FI's dad is in support of not inviting the rest of his sisters because he knows that we're not close to them, and it would also result in a snowball effect of extra guests (cousins, grandkids, etc.)

My mom is in support of my decision and the Vermont family is thrilled to have us come up and see them since most of them aren't healthy enough to travel to us anyway.

AKWinterBride

You only need to invite the people you choose.  I am inviting some cousins and not others and it's not even an issue.  This is your day, why would you want someone you don't even know there?  If someone is going to get mad, oh well, they will get over it. 

kimmykupcakes

I say invite whoever makes you happy, but do be prepared for the consequences. FI and I have had a similar issue. There are certain aunts, uncles and cousins that we would like to invite, but to keep it fair we did not invite any.  Part of this had to do with FI's mom already inviting her sister.  When we told her she couldn't go because we weren only inviting parents, grandparents and siblings she replied that since her sister looked older and FI's grandparents are no longer with us that the aunt could come and we could say it was FI's gramma.  I couldn't believe she wanted us to lie to my family.  Like it wouldn't ever come out!. Weddings sure do bring out the crazy in ppl!  For us, sticking to only parents, grandparents and siblings has been easiest.  But, do what's best for you and FI. If you want certain aunts and uncles there, but not others, by all  means invite who you want.  But, like I said before, be prepared for it. 

maniac0511

Thanks everyone for your input.  I've decided that I will probably not invite the other 2 mom's siblings.  My mom's side of family is getting way too large compare to my FI's.  It's just going to be Fi's dad, mom, and his two sisters.

I want a small wedding .. no more than 30 guests and I'm going to invite 42 (I know some will not make it).  I honestly never got to see that aunt and uncle.  They live in FL and CA .. and I've never seen or talk to them in ... 5 years or so.  I will try to have AHR when I get back from Hawaii, then I will invite the rest of them.

Again .. I appreciate you sharing your stories.