Hawaii

Help! Difficult bridesmaid situation... (long rant)

Hi girls,

So, wedding planning is in full swing and I'm starting to feel more excited each day!  Things are slowly coming together, except for one major hiccup...

The story is, my sister and I have a history of ups and downs (we're inherently VERY different people).  Well, I asked her to be my bridesmaid last year (which was a surprise, because I wasn't hers) and she agreed.  But last summer, we had a major bust-up and didn't talk for a while...naturally, bridesmaid situation was up in the air.  However, we reconnected and made-up at Christmas.  Everything was fine again.  I thought the nice thing to do was to reinvite her to be my bridesmaid again (afterall, the dress was already bought before), I thought she would feel bad if I didn't re-ask her again.  

Well, this time, she flat-out refused to, citing that she wanted to "protect" our relationship and it would be in our best interests if she wasn't.  I agreed at the time, but I've found myself feeling very angry with her, because all the plans were already in place and I feel "abandoned".  Since then, I've been trying to convey my feelings about the issue (numerous e-mails) and convince her to reconsider, because I think it would be a great opportunity for us to get closer and to make up for past wrongs.  

Now, she says "I will leave the decision of whether I am a bridesmaid or not up to you."  Not in a very considerate sort of way either.  What should I do?  This has probably been the most distressing issue to do with wedding planning so far.  It's such a bummer....

Re: Help! Difficult bridesmaid situation... (long rant)

  • edited December 2011
    Ugh...I'm so sorry.  That sounds disappointing & stressful & just something you don't need right now.  It sounds like she's made it pretty clear she does not want to be involved, whatever the reason might truly be.  Her response of it being "up to you" sounds like she thinks you won't take no for an answer, so if you want it that badly, fine <hrmph />.

    Maybe you can ask her if she would like to do a reading instead (eg, participate, but not have to worry about being actively bridesmaidy).  If not, just let it go...you don't want to feel like you forced her into it.  If, as the day gets closer, she changes her mind again, there's nothing wrong with you having an extra gal stand on your side.
    image
  • sld0618sld0618 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    OMG I'M SO TIRED OF BM DRAMA!!!!! I just can't get over my drama, so I know how you feel.  Then to add it that it's your sister?  Just sucky.  My cousin is being kind of mean about it too and I'm like HELLO you're family!!!!  So pretty much, I think you should just tell her never mind.  She obviously doesn't want to be and it's not worth it to make someone and then them be rude over it.  Not even worth it.  I honestly wish I didn't even have a bridal party and just had my 14 yr sister MOH and that's it.  This crap is just dumb dumb dumb.  We should be having people who love us and want share a special time in our life...not people who put us down and make us feel bad!! 
  • edited December 2011
    Sucky bridemaids always confuse me.  If you mean enough to me for me to ask you to be in my wedding, don't I at least mean enough back to you for you not to be a total moron about it?  *sigh*  Sorry ladies...*hugs*
    image
  • sld0618sld0618 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_hawaii_difficult-bridesmaid-situation-long-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:73Discussion:d5b24c34-1223-45cb-b167-aa99fb28862dPost:a868b24d-e5be-45ca-bc81-7c226292d3ca">Re: Help! Difficult bridesmaid situation... (long rant)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sucky bridemaids always confuse me.  If you mean enough to me for me to ask you to be in my wedding, don't I at least mean enough back to you for you not to be a total moron about it?  *sigh*  Sorry ladies...*hugs*
    Posted by Tanq&Tonic[/QUOTE]

    OMG, can I add please don't freaking make me feel bad for wanting what I want?!?  I will fully support your wedding for whatever you want.  One of them wants a "cheap" chapel wedding in vegas.  Oh, so you want a DW but you're complaining about my DW?!?!?!?!?  I'm going to remember that when you try to come to talk to me about your issues with a DW.

    What worst is these people are your best friends....so who do you turn to when you don't have them to talk to.  Yup, you feel lonely and not important, like crap-ola.  Awesome way to feel about your wedding and friends. *cheers*
  • edited December 2011
    BM drama does suck, i've had a little bit of it too. My MOH is soo freakin picky when it comes to the dresses, I ended up paying for all 5 of the dresses just so I didn't have to hear any whining. She is my sister and I was so excited to share everything with her in the beginning until she kept making comments like "omg I never want a wedding where I have to plan things out, that sounds like hell...you really should just take everyone to a luau" etc etc. (sounds easier but it's at least 3x more $) Basically she was adding additional stress so I've stopped sharing/caring about her input and kept truckin along. As you should too fabutan, I think your sister is "leaving it up to you" so that you will look like the bad guy if you don't include her. It's one freakin day, she should be supportive and suck it up and since she's being stubborn I say you keep going on with your plans without her.  
  • motoLynmotoLyn member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    My bestfriend is my MOH and I only have one other BM, I say the smaller the better.  But to address the issue at hand.  I'm sorry to hear that your sister is giving you added stress.  I wouldn't wish that on any bride.  But my sister and I are like you and your sister.  We are two different people.  Its like when my older sister was born she got one end of the spectrum and I was placed into the other.  We butted heads growing up and when we were old enough and adults we both agreed that it was ok to disagree and that we wouldn't push each others buttons.  The position of a BM is something that is important to you. and I understand that you want your sister and you to mend your relationship and become closer.  From what i read in your OP when your sister said she rather not be a BM to protect your relationship I kind of believe her.  Being a BM can be stressful and if your relationship is rocky to start with it can either bring you closer or push you farther apart.  If she already declined and kept declining, asking her over and over is just going to push her further from wanting to do it.

    I agree with Tanq and perhaps asking her to do something else that's part of the ceremony would be a great idea.  So that she's still involved. Because having one sour BM in your wedding will just make for a bad experience. I hope I didn't sound harsh in anyway. I am just trying to give a perspective from another angle.  I do hope that things work themselves out and the rest of the wedding planning is a breeze. 
  • cryssvcryssv member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Aww that really sucks - so sorry you have that on top of everything else.
    I agree with all of the ladies above, assuming not all connection was done over email. I only say that because I have personal experience in family disagreements over emails taken in the wrong context. I would make a phone call, or if close enough to meet for coffee, to say in a very friendly way that if she really does believe it will strain the relationship further and she is leaving the decision up to you that you don't want to force this on her. Maybe you'll talk it out and if she has a heart and realizes this is your day and you deserve the support of your sister she'll come around, if not I think Tanq's suggstion is a great one.

    On a side note, not having BM's was one of my biggest regrets..... I think this post just made me a little relieved LOL. Sorry all joking aside, I really hope everything works out for you and if she can't be your BM, I hope she's there to spend the excitement and one of the biggest moments of your life with you.
    451x156 proportions
    BabyFetus Ticker
  • edited December 2011

    I agree that although this is one additional burden you surely don't need right now, the one way to clear it up is to plan your words thoughtfully and pick up the phone. Have the conversation that you want to have with you sister and leave it on the table.  Choosing a bridesmaid is your decision; but accepting it is hers.  There is no dictatorship here and she needs to be just as responsible for the outcome of her actions as you can be for yours when all is said and done.  If she chooses not to accept, okay. Your wedding will happen.  Forge ahead.  Try not to hover on the bad taste she leaves with you because when you look back at this years from now, you won't want THIS to be the overbearing memory of the road to planning your wedding.  Besides, if y'all are emailing eachother to communicate, she should be easy enough to ignore from now until then. 

    Then on the day of your wedding, you just show up and do you thing, with or without her by your side.  Remember that it is your day: You and your man.  You create happy memories.  So there should be no drama.  Let it go for a day.

    In all honesty, if it were me, I wouldn't even invite her ass to the wedding...but that's because I wouldn't take any chances of her ruining my happy wedding day memories. But see, you are clearly more forgiving than I am and that's a good thing for you.  I, on the other hand, will probably die a lonely person someday.  Innocent

    I'm sorry you're going through this.  I hope she sees the light.  And if not, remember, forge ahead with your happy day.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards