Hawaii

Vent about Dadzilla

Editing some old posts to remove details regarding drama to protect the innocent (and not so innocent!) :) 

Thanks to the knotties for help as always!

Re: Vent about Dadzilla

  • madstaylormadstaylor member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Okay my two cents, and i apologize if this is bitchy:
    If they arent paying for it, their opinions dont matter. Do what you want to do! We are doing a luau theme AHR serving BBQ because its what WE want. And trust me, weve got so much hell about it. But at the end of the day its about US and since were paying for it, thats how its going to be! The reception shouldnt be about standards it should be people around to support you and your marriage. If they dont come because of a cupcake they dont need to be there at all. I love the cupcake idea and had actually thought of it but my aunt who use to work at a bakery volunteered to make our cake as our present so were having a cake. My suggestion to you would be to give him pictures, show him a really nice looking cupcake bar and how pretty it can be and explain its a very acceptable tradition now. As for the bar dont provide a keg for your guests because they are expensive, if they want to drink the guests can buy their own. You should do what makes you two happy. It is about you, not your parents, which is VERY hard to get through their head,but its the truth. My parents were the same way, a short quick wedding, and I think thats why they want so much input on my wedding because they didnt do these things and want to have it now.
  • edited December 2011
    I think they are paying for it, Mads.

    Potentially loaded question here. How much of this need to look as though they're doing "the right thing" is tied to their financial situation?

    I remember you saying a while back that you didn't want to do the AHR because of their finances - and it just sounds like there's a man here who desperately wants to prove to people that he's a good provider for the family. Keeping up with the Jones mentality. I think a lot of men, especially of certain generations, tie their ability to make money to their self esteem.

    I think it's time to sit down with them again and lay it all out. Honestly, I'd be blunt with them too - that they shouldn't waste their money on a reception you have no interest in. If it is because they don't want to seem like failures as parents, you've got to talk them out of throwing the bash, IMHO. That's just not a sensible thing to do.

    You can try spinning it back to your side by explaining to them that while wedding etiquette allows for a "let's celebrate the newlyweds" party, a lot of people will get hurt feelings if it's seen as a full-out wedding reception if you're not inviting them to the ceremony and reception in Hawaii. It's like doing the a list/b list thing, and it always hurts to be on the b list. If you keep it casual, you can avoid a lot of that hurt.
  • cryssvcryssv member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    That is sucky and can completely identify with you on some things.
    My opinion - sounds like not only is Dad projecting his idea of his only daughter's wedding on you but perhaps trying to relive what he didn't have for his own wedding??
    Bottom line - NOT HIS WEDDING. This is a day you and FI will look back on for the rest of your lives, if you're going to look back on it and have negative thoughts on things you really didn't want 2...10...20 years from now don't do it!! My Dad is all about the tradition and hated the idea of our "elopement" style wedding, we didn't really want the AHR in the beginning and was mostly a combination of my Dad and his parents pushing it. In the end we decided would we look back on the reception and hate everything about - No.... why not give it to them. Do the things that matter most to you and comprimise on the rest is the avenue I've taken. I'm having the ceremony style I want but I still incorporated him "walking me down the aisle" - he and I will walk down to the beach location after everyone else. We kept most traditions in our AHR... father/daughter dance, cake cutting, bouquet/garter toss. he seems to be pretty happy with the idea of everything now but it did take him awhile.

    If your heart is set on cupcakes I say go for it. If it's not worth the fight and doesn't really matter it could be a comprimise..... has he seen the cupcake towers with the cake top - little bit of both?? or as said above maybe he just hasn't seen a picture to be sold on the idea.
    Perhaps it's time to have a nice heart to heart with Dad on things you want for your own wedding?
    451x156 proportions
    BabyFetus Ticker
  • maui2011maui2011 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    How about this...a small 6 inch cake on top of a cupcake stand...thus he gets his cake and you get your cupcakes.  I'm sure DC Cupcakes have pictures on their website.  Bring him there for a cupcake so he can taste how good they are. Plus, they are much easier for guests to bring home and there is no cake cutting fee.  HTH! J. :-)

  • breanessbreaness member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Kaesha, you pretty much hit the nail on the head. I really love what you said about the A list/B list thing, and you put it much better than I could when I tried.

    I'll try to sit down with him this weekend and talk it out with him. I'm happy to compromise and do cake and cupcakes, or if he really wants, only a cake... but in my mind it's more about his vision and we need to talk about what we're trying to accomplish. He always says "anything you want" but what he really means is "anything you want... unless I think it's stupid"

    Another reason I want to go the cupcake route is because his dad's wife can only have gluten-free food and it's much easier to just buy one gluten-free cupcake when you're buying a bunch of cupcakes anyway than to do a gluten-free cake that not everyone would like, or worse-- have no gluten-free option! And his response to that logic? "You don't need to go out of your way to cater to her"
  • kimmykupcakeskimmykupcakes member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011

    I'm sorry, this sucks!  I'm not sure if it's worse to have an overly involved parent or one who pretends it isn't happening. Sitting down and talking to him will be the best thing for both of you.  Let him know how much you don't want some of the things and how happy feeling forced to have them is making you. No one is going to care if your AHR has all of these things if you are miserable at it.  They are going to really see how you are feeling at the reception and that's going to make the biggest impression on others; not if there's cupcakes vs cake.

    I also get wanting to have something for everyone.  Not only do we have those in our family who can't eat gluten, but also those who are vegan.  Being a vegetarian myself, I am very aware of when there is nothing that you can eat and it sucks.  I always make sure to have stuff for everything's dietary needs because of it and applaud other's who do as well.

  • breanessbreaness member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    We had a heart to heart last night. He told me that when his little girl was going to start school he wanted her to have a house to come home to and not an apartment, so they bought a house even though the timing wasn't great and they weren't quite ready, but they made it work. When she went to college, he wanted to pay for it so she wouldn't graduate with student loans. It was hard, especially with three car payments, insurance payments, and a mortgage payment, but he made it work, and now all three cars are owned full and clear and I've got my degree. He said not to worry about money, they've figured out to pay for bigger things before and it's always worked out.

    He's just a bit upset that I keep coming to him and saying "hey, this is what we want to do, and it's a great price" but I've never once said "Dad, this is what we really want but it's a little expensive." He seems to think I'm compromising for the sake of cost savings.

    When I explained to him that yes, some of the decisions I'm making are for cost-saving purposes, but the majority are just what we want he definitely gave a little. The cupcake thing wasn't a cost-saving thing but rather just what we wanted, and since we're spending so much money on the entertainment I think it's okay for us to give a little somewhere else.

    Anyway, it seems we're okay again. Which is really a relief.
  • motoLynmotoLyn member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    breaness I'm glad to hear that your dad and you got a chance to sit and talk it out.  Now he understands what it is that you truly want and cupcakes it shall be! 
  • maui2011maui2011 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Glad you and your dad had this time to talk it out...now you are both on the same page! J. Smile

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