Holy Cow...I need advice.

rachael7183

I usually dont get too personal but I dont know what to do.  My oldest brother who is married with two girls ages 14 and 16, has been off for the last year...(personality wise), with odd texts to me about how he is going to end up by himself and no one will ever understand...and random stuff, but never told me what was actually bothering him.  Last night, my 16 year old niece texted me ...and we were chatting, and all of a sudden she said 'My dad is cheating".  Apparently, she went through his texts and saw something funny, she facebooked the woman...and he is all over this woman's facebook and she is referring to my brother as her boyfriend.  I saw it for myself...

My niece is so upset and I really dont know what to do....

pillsburyaj

Yikes..what a sticky situation for you to be in. Are you close with your brother? If so, I may ask him to have coffee with you and let him know you're worried about him lately; see if he says anything. Let him know that his daughter went to you with what she found. I wouldn't, like, grill him about it, just let him speak his piece. IDK, I'm not really good with situations like this. Best of luck, girl.

honeybear072012

Oh boy.  What a situation.  Like PP said, I'd ask to talk to him and not really confront him with the information but lay it out for him.  Tell him his daughter knows and she's worried.  See what he says and go from there.  If he says it's NBD I'd let him know that it is and that he really needs to address the issue as his daughter is affected.

I don't know if I'd want this hanging over my head before the wedding but at the same time you don't want the wedding to be awkward.  Maybe wait till after and things settle down and you have more time.

Good luck with everything!  I think I can safely say we're all here for moral support if you need it.

LADY324

I would say something to him he is your brother.  Let him know that your niece knows and now so do you.  I would ask him what the he*l is going on. 

kmdeck26

Yes, exactly what PPs have said

michelle11988

Couldn't agree more with pp, personally though I would want to get it over and out before the wedding.  I couldn't deal with that type of information as it would make me toss and turn all night.

rachael7183

Update-I spoke to him this morning.  He did not deny it, he basically was like "I have been trying to hold it together, I am going to lose everything, I am going to lose my girls"...I did not tell him that his daughter told me, I did not think he would be able to handle it.  The other woman, friend requested my sister on FB last night and so that was how I said we found out.  I told him that regardless of what he did that he is my brother and that I love him.  I never in my life would have thought he would do this, I really did not.  The other woman knows he is married, too.  I am so crushed.

pillsburyaj

I would be crushed too. I'm so sorry. He not only betrayed his wife, but his entire family. I am glad he came clean about it.

rachael7183

My heart hurts for my nieces...its just not fair.  You have choices in life...you know? If you arent happy in your marriage--move on, separate/divorce.  Do not cheat...it hurts everyone involved.  It destroys your family and now, those little girls, who are old enough to know what is going on, are ruined ...they will have trust issues; they will be ruined.  Cheating is so selfish.  I am so upset.  And, while I know its selfish of me to think this, this is the last thing I needed 11 days before my wedding.

BeachLover2885

I'm so sorry, Rachael. I would be devastated, too.I don't think you are being selfish.. it's added stress during an already stressful time. ::hugs::

AllyG303

I'm sorry that this is happening  I'm glad that you were able to talk openly about it and SO glad that you didn't say that his daughter had found out...I wouldn't want her to feel like she was to blame for anything.  Right now, all you can do is be there for your nieces and show them a healthy, trusting relationship that you and your FI have.

rachael7183

Thanks...its just crazy.  They have been married for 22 years!  I was their flower girl in their wedding, I was 5.  I feel like he literally has this whole other life with this woman. 

honeybear072012

That's so tough Rachael.  It's sad to see what you think of as a good marriage fall apart like that and in that way.  I hope your nieces know what a great aunt they have and that there are people who care about them.

*big hug!*

mekiakoo

Oh no, I'm so sorry. Sometimes it's the hardest knowing that there's not a lot you can do about it but to sit back and watch everything fall apart. Does the wife know? Maybe they're having some problems and some counseling would help? Family cousneling could help.

In the meantime, be there for your nieces and don't take sides for their sake.

I hope everything works out for everybody. I'm sorry

rachael7183

Thanks for the support...the wife has no clue apparently, which I am shocked about...my sister told my brother "For the sake of Rachael, why dont you take the next two weeks to think about what you want to do...try and keep it together for wedding"---in all honesty, my mother will be so distraught over this

kidlets2

As the former wife of a cheater, please don't judge. Your brother, his wife, their children don't need that. He knows (or should) what he has done is wrong as does his wife. Just be there to listen when any of them need to vent. Don't try to fix anything - just listen and offer sound, objective advice.

As far as your nieces, I guess you're already at where I would tell you not to be. My kids do not know that their dad cheated on me and that's what ultimately ended our marriage. They won't know either until they ask me and I feel that they are ready for the adult response that I will give them. (They're 13 & 11...they were 8 & 6 when it happened.) I made sure to tell the adults in their life that did know the whole story that the kids will never hear it until I decide they're ready to.

So...just be there for them. Don't talk badly about their parents in front of them or in situations where they might over hear it. It sounds like you have a good relationship with them and the best thing may be just to cry with them.

*HUGS* I know this is a very difficult time for everyone involved & I'm sorry this had to happen now.

rachael7183

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_holy-cowi-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:f5f6c01a-fe04-44f6-9cc3-98e7d0fcf100Post:779d480d-60c9-429c-a6fb-ba244b8e1f0c">Re: Holy Cow...I need advice.</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm so sorry to hear this, Rachael! I agree that the best thing you can do is be there for people and try not to judget. This is a horrible way for the marriage to end - the other woman should have come after he'd ended things with his wife - but it is what it is. Now's the time to make the best of it. (Also, WT weird is up with this lady and her FB? Babbling all over about her married BF? Friend requesting her married BF's siblings? Someone wanted to get caught.)
Posted by Schatzi13[/QUOTE]

That's exactly what I was thinking...I dont remember if I mentioned this already...but after I got her name I googled her and her linkedin account came up...she had connected with me on linkedin months ago and I didnt know who she was...but can you believe? Can we say stalker?!

rachael7183

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_holy-cowi-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:f5f6c01a-fe04-44f6-9cc3-98e7d0fcf100Post:cc7e0e35-63ee-4975-9c03-c88f548c802c">Re: Holy Cow...I need advice.</a>:
[QUOTE]As the former wife of a cheater, please don't judge. Your brother, his wife, their children don't need that. He knows (or should) what he has done is wrong as does his wife. Just be there to listen when any of them need to vent. Don't try to fix anything - just listen and offer sound, objective advice. As far as your nieces, I guess you're already at where I would tell you not to be. My kids do not know that their dad cheated on me and that's what ultimately ended our marriage. They won't know either until they ask me and I feel that they are ready for the adult response that I will give them. (They're 13 & 11...they were 8 & 6 when it happened.) I made sure to tell the adults in their life that did know the whole story that the kids will never hear it until I decide they're ready to. So...just be there for them. Don't talk badly about their parents in front of them or in situations where they might over hear it. It sounds like you have a good relationship with them and the best thing may be just to cry with them. *HUGS* I know this is a very difficult time for everyone involved & I'm sorry this had to happen now.
Posted by kidlets2[/QUOTE]


I am definitely not judging, I know things happen.  My nieces, I love them...I am trying right now to just tell her "We dont know the truth, etc"...but she is not stupid.  She is 16, she picked up her dad's phone, she went through it, she saw the facebook account and then she came to me with this...basically my brother has been non-existent for them for the last year and a half...claiming it to be about work all the time...but I guess you start to realize things dont seem right, you know? Even a 16 year old can pick up on that.

[Deleted User]

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this.  I have no advice to offer, but PP's have given you great advice.  Sending lots of hugs your way and I hope this doesn't stress you out too much before your wedding.