I hate to do this but...i dont know

mcclainlashawn

I picked out my bridesmaid dresses on 1/2/2012 and asked my BM is they could have the deposit in the next few weeks I have a bridesmaid who was supposed to put the $58 deposit on her dress over a month ago, we had an appt to do so. She never said that she needed more time to do it until i called to confirm our appt 2 days prior to the appt date....NEVER DID SHE CALL AND SAY HEY I CANT DO IT RIGHT NOW. was she just gonna not show up if i had never said anything? 

so when that i happened I asked her "are u sure u can afford this" and many other questions insisting that I would be ok and not upset if she had to step down. she assured me that she could handle it. So i never heard from her about it, it turned into a month later i never knew how much time she needed, i naively felt like she would keep me informed. My wedding planner called her (2/2/2012) and she said she would have it done by 2/6/2012, that night i nonchalantly asked "did u have trouble contacting the bridal shop" she said "oh i  spaced it, ill do it wednesday (2/8/2012)" i decided that if she does not do it by tonight she will be removed. Why? Because she assured me that she could handle this. I havent asked her to do ANYTHING AT ALL except get her dress and a $58 deposit is CAKE. 

I dont want to be that bride but this is my wedding and it doesnt have to be anyone elses priority but Im the type of person if u say ur going to do something then do it. Same goes for me. If she cant afford it she should say so. I dont like being toyed with. So the bridal shop closes at 8pm...What should I do? 

Oh and my wedding is july 14, yes that is in 5 months but that is nothing in wedding time and all alterations are being done there along with groomsmens tuxes coming from there and mother(s) dresses that is a lot of business for them on top of their other bridal parties...So if we order now the dresses will be in my early May. Ik it might ruin our friendship buti dont want to be stressed out tryin to get her to do the one thing she is responsible for, the one thing she is supposed to take care of,,,Her Wardrobe. Oh and i just found out the other day in talking to her that she doesnt even know my almost 1 year olds name...COME ON

MeaganR12

1. PARAGRAPHS! 2. If she isn't even your friend, why on earth would you ask her to be a bridesmaid? 3. Good luck with all that. ETA: Thanks for editing into paragraphs. I liked that part.

AllyG303

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_i-hate-to-do-this-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:f6498e9d-98d3-4ee6-8b4c-feb56151820ePost:25187b15-cbaf-4511-ab8f-c5d74d213a9e">I hate to do this but...i dont know</a>:
[QUOTE]I picked out my bridesmaid dresses on 1/2/2012 and asked my BM is they could have the deposit in the next few weeks I have a bridesmaid who was supposed to put the $58 deposit on her dress over a month ago, we had an appt to do so. She never said that she needed more time to do it until i called to confirm our appt 2 days prior to the appt date....NEVER DID SHE CALL AND SAY HEY I CANT DO IT RIGHT NOW. was she just gonna not show up if i had never said anything? so when that i happened I asked her "are u sure u can afford this" and many other questions insisting that I would be ok and not upset if she had to step down. she assured me that she could handle it. So i never heard from her about it, it turned into a month later i never knew how much time she needed, i naively felt like she would keep me informed. My wedding planner called her (2/2/2012) and she said she would have it done by 2/6/2012, that night i nonchalantly asked "did u have trouble contacting the bridal shop" she said "oh i  spaced it, ill do it wednesday (2/8/2012)" i decided that if she does not do it by tonight she will be removed. Why? Because she assured me that she could handle this. I <strong>havent asked her to do ANYTHING AT ALL</strong> except get her dress and <strong>a $58 deposit is CAKE</strong>. I dont want to be that bride but this is my wedding and it doesnt have to be anyone elses priority but Im the type of person if u say ur going to do something then do it. Same goes for me. If she cant afford it she should say so. I dont like being toyed with. So the bridal shop closes at 8pm...What should I do? Oh and my wedding is <strong>july 14, yes that is in 5 months but that is nothing in wedding time</strong> and all alterations are being done there along with groomsmens tuxes coming from there and mother(s) dresses that is a lot of business for them on top of their other bridal parties...So if we order now the dresses will be in my early May. Ik <strong>it might ruin our friendship but its not like i c her much anyway</strong> and i just found out the other day in talking to her that she doesnt even know my almost 1 year olds name...COME ON

Posted by mcclainlashawn[/QUOTE]

First off, a bridesmaid should have "jobs", so not asking her to do anything at all is irrelevant since they shouldn't be forced into doing anything without them volunteering their time. 

Secondly, $58 may be nothing to you, but it is a significant amount to other people.  When did you ask her to be in your wedding?  Maybe she is embarrassed to tell you that she doesn't have the money because she may feel like she's letting you down. 

My bridesmaids all just ordered their dresses this week.  The place I ordered from said they still have until the end of the month before they would absolutely HAVE to order them, so you may still have a couple of weeks depending on the designer of the dress.

You don't sound like it means much to you that your friendship would be ruined...how well do you know this girl?  Have you sat down and talked to her recently about non-wedding related things?  Maybe she's going through a hard time and your wedding is the last thing on her mind.  Cut her some slack and ask her what's going on in her life and see if there's anything you can do to be there for her.

KarleeKrause35

Dude, chill. Sometimes people have more important things to be worried about. Maybe you should ask her how she is without talk of the wedding. Something stressful might be going on, and she might need YOU.

I honestly get why you're irritated, but you shouldn't take it any further than that. This is not something to get upset or stressed about. Give her a straight up deadline, and if she doesn't meet it, she removes herself from the wedding. If she's as spacey as you say, she'll be the one kicking herself for delaying.

KarleeKrause35

And FYI, "Are you sure you can afford this?" Comes off as condescending, rather than concern.

mcclainlashawn

There was so much more to the "are u sure u can afford this" but im not going there i dont feel like it, i asked for advice not for a bunch of mean comments. If u had a bridesmaid that wasnt doing as they said they would then how would u feel. Yes I HAVE TALKED TO HER and there are sum things going on, nothing major, just small things but that still has nothing to do with saying u will do something and then not doing it. Think about how u would feel planning a wedding and something like this happening

penny12986

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_i-hate-to-do-this-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:f6498e9d-98d3-4ee6-8b4c-feb56151820ePost:9ea6cfee-f28c-4164-99b2-0269ae690b0c">Re: I hate to do this but...i dont know</a>:
[QUOTE]Think about how u would feel planning a wedding and something like this happening
Posted by mcclainlashawn[/QUOTE]



I did, which is why I didn't have bridesmaids. The more people you involve, the more chaotic things become.

bridetobe71412

You asked her to buy her dress by a certain time. If she doesn't do it, she's taken herself out of the wedding party. Simple as that. You don't need to nag her about it . She's an adult; if she wants to be in your wedding, she'll make it happen.

And honestly? As Karlee said, chill. 

Madisonpenny

I don't see any mean comments posted thus far.  What I do see is people trying to make you realize that

A-$58 may be a lot to your friend, I know it is to me, in fact spending that much money can mean the difference between getting all the groceries one week and not.

B-If your friend is anything like me she doesn't tell people what's going on in her life unless it's someone who is extremely close or it's been pried out of me.

C- We all know what it's like trying to plan a wedding in 5 months. That's why we're here on this board. Think everything has been peachy the whole planning process? You'd be sadly mistaken if you think everything has gone without a hitch.

BrightFirefly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_i-hate-to-do-this-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:f6498e9d-98d3-4ee6-8b4c-feb56151820ePost:9ea6cfee-f28c-4164-99b2-0269ae690b0c">Re: I hate to do this but...i dont know</a>:
[QUOTE]There was so much more to the "are u sure u can afford this" but im not going there i dont feel like it, i asked for advice not for a bunch of mean comments. If u had a bridesmaid that wasnt doing as they said they would then how would u feel. Yes I HAVE TALKED TO HER and there are sum things going on, nothing major, just small things but that still has nothing to do with saying u will do something and then not doing it. Think about how u would feel planning a wedding and something like this happening
Posted by mcclainlashawn[/QUOTE]

If you think these ladies are mean - then you haven't really read what they're saying to you.

avsfan33

Oh man, I totally read 58 dollar deposit ON cake. I was like "wtf, nobody is gonna say something?". Glad I re-read that lol

Dude, my girls haven't even ordered their dresses. Chill, let her get her dress on her own time and stop micromanaging everything. If she doesn't get her dress on time, that's her own fault and she's taken herself out. Worry about things that matter and that you can control. Or you could grab her by the wrist and drag her. I don't recommend that though. Some people don't like being touched.

Also, I'm a horrible friend too I guess. I keep forgetting if my close friend's kid's name is Alexa or Alexis. I get her kid and someone else's mixed up. Meh.

Finally, I'm pretty sure we're all planning a wedding. A wedding for July actually since this is a July 2012 wedding board. Seriously, you have no idea what myself and some of the other ladies have had to deal with during our planning process.

k8888

Can I order cliffs notes for this thread?

Carla1019

I have a BM that is a single mother and struggling and before I asked her to be a BM I kept enough money set aside to pay for her dress if I had too. Since you said it is only $58 why not pay her deposit?

I would rather do without favors or expensive flowers than not have my close friend stand next to me.

Rebis58

Based on your response to people's advice in this thread (advice that YOU ASKED FOR), if I was your bridesmaid I might be afraid to tell you I couldn't afford the dress, too. Plus, just because YOU think $58 is cake, and just because YOU think what she is dealing with is nothing major, does NOT mean that is how she feels about either of those things.

If you are so nonchalant about possibly ending the friendship, go for it. but no one in their right mind is going to agree with you that this is grounds to kick a friend out of your wedding and end a friendship. You asked for advice and you got honest opinions, if you can't deal with that, reconsider asking for advice on a public forum in the future. Good luck, to you and your friend.

mekiakoo

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_i-hate-to-do-this-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:f6498e9d-98d3-4ee6-8b4c-feb56151820ePost:313b4a36-d0e3-412d-9969-c054621b9b2d">Re: I hate to do this but...i dont know</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh man, I totally read 58 dollar deposit ON cake. I was like "wtf, nobody is gonna say something?". Glad I re-read that lol Dude, my girls haven't even ordered their dresses. Chill, let her get her dress on her own time and stop micromanaging everything. If she doesn't get her dress on time, that's her own fault and she's taken herself out. Worry about things that matter and that you can control. Or you could grab her by the wrist and drag her. I don't recommend that though. Some people don't like being touched. Also, I'm a horrible friend too I guess. I keep forgetting if my close friend's kid's name is Alexa or Alexis. I get her kid and someone else's mixed up. Meh. Finally, I'm pretty sure we're all planning a wedding. A wedding for July actually since this is a July 2012 wedding board. Seriously, you have no idea what myself and some of the other ladies have had to deal with during our planning process.
Posted by avsfan33[/QUOTE]



I totally read it like that too! I had to reread twice.

MeaganR12

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_i-hate-to-do-this-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:f6498e9d-98d3-4ee6-8b4c-feb56151820ePost:e9a7c922-a5c2-48d5-8fad-46213537c017">Re: I hate to do this but...i dont know</a>:
[QUOTE]Can I order cliffs notes for this thread?
Posted by k8888[/QUOTE]

<div>OP made a huge post with no paragraphs about how her BM keeps putting off ordering her BM dress. So now she wants to kick her out of the BP because, "She never sees her anyway."</div><div>
</div><div>She edited it into paragraphs per my instructions, and then we all gave her awesome advice. That's when she said, "HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOU WERE PLANNING A WEDDING AND THIS HAPPENED?!?!". To which we all replied, "you crazy."</div>

7E&G7

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_i-hate-to-do-this-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:f6498e9d-98d3-4ee6-8b4c-feb56151820ePost:6ff7a818-37f3-46ce-acaa-9ba2d340aca5">Re: I hate to do this but...i dont know</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a BM that is a single mother and struggling and before I asked her to be a BM I kept enough money set aside to pay for her dress if I had too. Since you said it is only $58 why not pay her deposit? I would rather do without favors or expensive flowers than not have my close friend stand next to me.
Posted by Carla1019[/QUOTE]

I say pay her deposit, I had a BM issue and we all decided to pay her expenses as a group.

Skyjewell23

Honestly, I just had the same thing happen to me. One of my girls said she would have it paid when she could. I waited two weeks asked her about it and she had handled it on her own. If she doesn't have it done by the date you have set then she made the decision to not be in your wedding.

Also, if its ONLY $58, why don't you just pay that for her? Since it seems like that is just change to you. 

littlemoments324

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_i-hate-to-do-this-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:f6498e9d-98d3-4ee6-8b4c-feb56151820ePost:a56a2f37-35cb-4561-9843-205d578dc188">Re: I hate to do this but...i dont know</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't see any mean comments posted thus far.  What I do see is people trying to make you realize that A-$58 may be a lot to your friend, I know it is to me, in fact spending that much money can mean the difference between getting all the groceries one week and not. B-If your friend is anything like me she doesn't tell people what's going on in her life unless it's someone who is extremely close or it's been pried out of me. C- We all know what it's like trying to plan a wedding in 5 months. That's why we're here on this board. Think everything has been peachy the whole planning process? You'd be sadly mistaken if you think everything has gone without a hitch.
Posted by Madisonpenny[/QUOTE]

I completely agree with Madison!!  Completely!! 

BmoreBride311

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_i-hate-to-do-this-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:f6498e9d-98d3-4ee6-8b4c-feb56151820ePost:f74b937d-c014-44b9-accf-25cc35067588">Re: I hate to do this but...i dont know</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I hate to do this but...i dont know : <strong>If you think these ladies are mean - then you haven't really read what they're saying to you.
</strong>Posted by BrightFirefly[/QUOTE]

Exactly!

BeabullMom

I notice the OP now has a total of 5 posts...seems fishy I me...

k8888

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_i-hate-to-do-this-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:f6498e9d-98d3-4ee6-8b4c-feb56151820ePost:3f1f9d5c-9b74-41c5-9499-2ef4d7e64c51">Re: I hate to do this but...i dont know</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I hate to do this but...i dont know : OP made a huge post with no paragraphs about how her BM keeps putting off ordering her BM dress. So now she wants to kick her out of the BP because, "She never sees her anyway." She edited it into paragraphs per my instructions, and then we all gave her awesome advice. That's when she said, "HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOU WERE PLANNING A WEDDING AND THIS HAPPENED?!?!". To which we all replied, "you crazy."
Posted by MeaganR12[/QUOTE]

Bahahahaha, thanks, Meagan

If only I knew what it was like to plan a wedding and deal with BMs....... ................ derp

AllyG303

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_i-hate-to-do-this-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:f6498e9d-98d3-4ee6-8b4c-feb56151820ePost:3f1f9d5c-9b74-41c5-9499-2ef4d7e64c51">Re: I hate to do this but...i dont know</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I hate to do this but...i dont know : OP made a huge post with no paragraphs about how her BM keeps putting off ordering her BM dress. So now she wants to kick her out of the BP because, "She never sees her anyway." She edited it into paragraphs per my instructions, and then we all gave her awesome advice. That's when she said, "HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOU WERE PLANNING A WEDDING AND THIS HAPPENED?!?!". To which we all replied, "you crazy."
Posted by MeaganR12[/QUOTE]

Meg, you missed the part about her calling you a butthead for your mean comments and then promptly deleting it

k8888

OH NO SHE DI'INT

bells24412

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_i-hate-to-do-this-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:f6498e9d-98d3-4ee6-8b4c-feb56151820ePost:2004f677-47a8-42b3-a09d-156a6b620d74">Re: I hate to do this but...i dont know</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I hate to do this but...i dont know : Bahahahaha, thanks,<strong> Meagan If only I knew what it was like to plan a wedding and deal with BMs....... ................ derp
</strong>Posted by k8888[/QUOTE]

If this chick is only dealing with 1 BM try dealing with 7!! 7 different personalities! Everyone is dealing with different difficult situations sweetheart. No one is being mean to you, they are all giving you an honest opinion about YOUR situation that YOU decided to get advice on. There are great girls on this board who give honest opinions. No need to get all huffy and puffy about it. If money is no object to you, which seems like it isn't, then pay the $58 for your BM and GET OVER IT! 

BmoreBride311

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_i-hate-to-do-this-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:f6498e9d-98d3-4ee6-8b4c-feb56151820ePost:095cdc6c-c309-4456-bfe9-da2f21244773">Re: I hate to do this but...i dont know</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I hate to do this but...i dont know : Meg, you missed the part about her calling you a butthead for your mean comments and then promptly deleting it
Posted by AllyG303[/QUOTE]

Did she actually say butthead???? ahahaha wow

butterflyjumper1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_i-hate-to-do-this-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:f6498e9d-98d3-4ee6-8b4c-feb56151820ePost:3f1f9d5c-9b74-41c5-9499-2ef4d7e64c51">Re: I hate to do this but...i dont know</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I hate to do this but...i dont know : OP made a huge post with no paragraphs about how her BM keeps putting off ordering her BM dress. So now she wants to kick her out of the BP because, "She never sees her anyway." She edited it into paragraphs per my instructions, and then we all gave her awesome advice. That's when she said, "HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOU WERE PLANNING A WEDDING AND THIS HAPPENED?!?!". To which we all replied, "you crazy."
Posted by MeaganR12[/QUOTE]

i love how meagan always makes me laugh in the midst of posts like this :):)

and yes....she did say "butthead"

bostongrl23

Damn I have missed so much around here!!! Aww I love all you girls, but especially @MeaganR12! 

OP--I gave my girls a deadline (I had to because the dresses took 4 months to come in) and I instructed the bridal salon to place the order that day whether or not all the orders had come in. My BMs are all adults, who had plenty of advance notice on how much and who to call. I just trusted they would get it done, and if they didn't, then I guess they would not be a BM? Or they would be responsible for rush shipping. Regardless. I also offered to pay the deposit for any of my 8 girls if they were short on cash and needed the help. I think you should either pay the deposit or let her do it on her own time, or assume she's no longer in the wedding. There are so many other things that can/do/will go wrong, no need to get all stressed about this one thing. 

sara814

I've never been a bridesmaid, but my sister has. I saw my sister go through so much stuff for someone else's wedding. I have one MOH and one bridesmaid (my sister and my friend - actually we are all three friends with each other). I told both of them that they could wear what they want, just that I'd like to keep it within a certain color range, and they were both cool with that. My bridesmaid does not have a ton of money to play around with (understatement), and I feel almost bad asking her to get a dress for MY wedding. I am still looking for something that is less than $80 that they could possibly wear again somewhere else. 

Point is, it's your wedding, and your friends/relatives who are in the wedding party are there to support you, and to be a big part of something really special. I can't imagine asking someone to be in my wedding party if I didn't value their friendship in the first place! It's just not worth it. And yes, I am planning a wedding, and it's in 5 months too! 

ski2play

Wait, all of you ladies are planning wedding too?, all for July 2012?  WOW, what a coincidence!  We all know that the DD (dirty deleter) is really a butthead!