Meh

laurmacxo

This is a downer post, FYI. Sorry in advance!

I feel totally indifferent about planning this wedding lately.

I think most of it stems from anxiety with asking my parents for help. We don't have the best relationship (they're recently divorced; my dad recently re-married without telling us until 6 weeks later...um, yeah). My side of the family has been a mess for a few years now. My sister is having serious mental health issues and we barely speak anymore. We used to be best friends. My parents don't get along, my father has seen our daughter, his grand daughter, only a handful of times, and I never see my sister without her putting me down for something. Any time money is brought up, it becomes a stipulation. "If we do this, you have to do that".

I don't want my wedding to be like this.

This whole process should be a fun, happy time and I just don't forsee that happening here. Bryan's family is poor money-wise, but rich in family values and love. My family is the opposite lately. Aren't these times supposed to be wonderful? Aren't I supposed to be thrilled to go pick out my dress with my mother and my sister? I"m dreading it.

Dread. Seriously? How awful is it that the word 'dread' is how I'm describing planning this wedding? I don't want anything extravagant. We want something simple, homemade, vintage, outdoors, inexpensive. We don't want it to be about money; it's about US.

I guess I'm just looking for advice on how to make this the best time I can at this point. I know that we can have a gorgeous wedding for not much money, but I'm tired of walking on eggshells around my family on everything.

Sigh. I feel better getting that out.

kmd0501

I can totally relate to you for the most part.  My parents just went and are still going through a terrible divorce that hit me and my younger sister hard...but it also brought us extremely close which I am so grateful for.  My mom decided to have an affair and when my sister discovered it, she basically told me and my sister that her children werent important in her life at this time and then kicked us all out of the house.  My dad and sister are living in a 2 bedroom apartment with 3 dogs and 2 cats.  My dad wants to help us with our wedding so bad but he can commit financially because he's still trying to figure out how to live on his own...this all came out of nowhere and literally overnight.  I am so grateful to just have my dad around and appreciate that he wants to help but dont want him to feel obligated or stress about his own finances for my wedding.  Its a horrible situation and it sucks!

I feel the same way about planning right now.  My sister basically drags me out of the house to go shopping.  She gave me a subscription to Brides magazine for christmas and asks me a thousand questions a day and I'm not interested.  I think its because I always dreamed of a huge family wedding and having my mom there to help me and she doesnt even care.  I honestly odnt even know if she's aware I'm engaged.  But the way I look at it...I am not going to lose sleep over someone who made it so clear that I am not important to them.  My mother is the one who is going to be missing out...not me.  I am so fortunate to have the support of my dad and sister, all my aunts, uncles and cousins and most importantly, my FI stands behind me 200% and I couldnt be marrying a more supportive and understanding person.

Unfortuantely, anytime someone contributes money to a wedding, they typically have a say in how things occur.  So if your parents do offer to contribute financially, they will have some say in the guest lists and what not.  I know my dad will have a say in what we serve as dinner, simply because my dad loves food and I could really care less lol.  But you do have to accept that since they are helping, they will have some opinions that need to be considered.

Sometimes it helps just to let it all out.  I know my friends have been awesome in helping me deal with this and I have started talking to a counselor as well.  Sometimes its nice to hear a third party perspective.  And I think its been helping.  I was so depressed and didnt even want to watch TV because all of the wedding shows and commercials just made me cry....but I'm feeling alot better about everything.  Just take it slow and gather a support system.  Things will turn around and focus on whats really important about your wedding....that your going to spend the rest of your life with the most fantastic person in the world for the rest of your life.  Anyone else who chooses to cause drama is only missing out for themselves.  Dont let anyone bring down you and FIs big day.

Ms.BriarRose

Lauren, first off, let me reassure you, it's okay to be thinking this.  Pretty much ever bride does, and we can all commiserate with you. 

Second, I want to offer, if you want to get together to talk about it all, I would be more than happy to meet up for a cup of coffee and talk about it.  I know that things were never awesome between us, but that was in HS.  Having recently gone through everything you are describing, I know what you are feeling.  I wish I could make it different, but since you are going through these tough times, I would love to offer any advice and help that I can.

The one thing I can tell you is this: make your wedding about YOU.  Don't let yourself be pushed into a corner when it comes to your day.  Give and take is extremely important, don't get me wrong, but if there is something that is extremely important to you, hold your ground.  While others may contribute money, they need to do it with the realization that it is a gift, not an ultimatum.  They have no right to contribute only on the grounds that you invite these people, or have this food.  No bride should have to bow down to every request made when money is involved (this goes for you too, KMD!).



It sounds to me like you know what this day is really about, and that shows me there is some serious hope for you.  Most brides forget right off the bat that this is about the marriage, not the wedding, and that the wedding is only one day of the rest of your life.  I think having Ava has helped with that- you realize what truly matters, and because of that, I know within my heart that you will be just fine, even with difficult moments.

You have some time.  Have you set a date yet?  I know you had said fall; does it have to be this fall, or are you able to push it out to next spring or fall?  I know having a long engagement helped quite a bit- because I did go through those moments of not wanting to do anything wedding-related at all, and having some time on my hands allowed me to get things done in spurts.  Many girls I have talked to, met on these boards, have said the same thing.  And you know, better than anyone else, that it doesn't matter what route you take or how long it takes you, just as long as you get to your destination

Seriously, email me at msbriarrose@gmail.com (link) or private message me (let me know if you need help figuring out how to PM on here, it can be confusing), or FB me, and I would be happy to meet up with you and discuss all this.  It sounds to me like you need to vent to someone who gets what you are going through, and I would love to be that sounding board. 

I promise you this, though- no matter what happens, your day will arrive.  It will be about you and Bryan, about the love you have for each other and the family you have created together, about the life you share, and about the committment and pledge you are making to each other and to God to share that life together forever as a family.  That day will come.  There will be tears and difficulties on the journey there, but there will also be laughter, enrichment, and new discoveries along the way.  It will test you, but it will also continually show you not only how strong a person, woman, mother and soon to be wife you are.  It will show you the true you, the true Bryan, and the true couple and family the two (and three!) of you are.  And that, I promise you, is worth it all at the end. 

I'm here for you!

laurmacxo

Thank you Brittany, that helped a lot.

If it were up to me, I'd just take a plane to Vegas with a few friends and do it there. Bryan won't let that happen though He wants to have a nice wedding, as do I.

KMD, I am so, so sorry to hear about your family troubles. We're going through something similar, although it is my dad instead of my mom. And he also didn't SAY he didn't want us in his life--his actions show that, though. It really helps to know that I'm not the only one going through family troubles. I wish that I had my sister to turn to, but lately she only makes things worse.

I told my mother last night that we needed to sit down and talk numbers so that I can start actually planning this thing. I think that once I get that part out of the way, the rest will sort of come naturally. I have SO MANY ideas floating around in my head, and I really want to get started on making this thing a reality instead of something I'm dreaming up.

I guess what needs to come first would be the guest list, right? That way once I have at least a general idea of the number of guests, we can start pricing out venues.

I picked up the lastest edition of Spark (their wedding issue) and saw a blurb on Nassau Valley Vineyard. It looks PERFECT for us. I was thinking of Paradocx Vineyard in Landenberg (I work for an eye doctor, and one of our partners owns it), but they don't seem to have a great indoor area provided the weather doesn't cooperate. Anyone been to Nassau Valley? Do you think Lewes is too far to ask people to go? Most of us are in Wilmington, Bear, and Middletown.

So, yeah. Lots of ideas, lots of major anxiety. I go through phases of googling and buying bridal magazines and spending some time on here, then phases where I can't even bring myself to think about anything wedding related. A lot of it could be total exhaustion from being a full time working mother to a very active toddler, too. I don't know how people find TIME for all of this!!!

Thanks for the kind words and encouragement, guys. I know that we have our heads in the right place and that we want our wedding to be simple, fun, and about our life together. It's just getting to that day that's really daunting to me. I feel like I'm supposed to be this bubbly, excited, ball of wedding planning joy, but I'm SOOO not that person right now. Just another speed bump to get over, I suppose!

laurmacxo

Oh and Britt, I was a bitch in HS. I guess I can be a bitch every now and again now, too, but I'm not that person anymore. In fact, if I were to meet the 16 year old me now, I'd hate her too! I'm sorry for any grief I gave you.

Ms.BriarRose

Please.  I was no angel myself.  I'm sorry for any grief I gave you! 

But that's life.  We look back on that time in our life, think 'what were we thinking?!' and realize that this is what growing up is all about.  We know what truly matters in life, what is really important, and as long as we mature and realize that, then that's what really matters. 

I really commend you, Laur- you have really grown into a wonderful and mature woman.  I wouldn't judge you at all today based on what happened in HS.  Seriously.  I know now that life experiences- you having Ava, me getting RSD, and both of us meeting the man we are spending the rest of our life with- change people, and shape them into the person that we truly are...not the person that we were in HS, when everything in life was up in the air.

Knowing what a great mama you are now, knowing some of what you are going through, knowing what you have done with your life and how you are stiving and living like you are supposed to, well, I would be proud to say now that I knew you in HS- even if neither of us were the greatest people

And my offer stands.  I wanted to write out everything that I dealt with, but it was just too long.  I may send it in a FB message.  But I know, all too well, what you are dealing with.  It's unfortunate, especially when this is supposed to be the best day of our life.  Like my pastor said, the crazies come out at weddings and funerals!
 
My offer will stand during your entire planning- if you ever need to vent, give me a holler.  I know you are close with others in your life, but I found during my planning process that venting to friends who haven't been in a serious relationship, haven't had to live on their own and provide for themselves and haven't had to essentially grow up and mature, haven't had to plan a wedding or have gotten married...well, they just don't get it.  They think it's all fun and games- and while that is a component, there is so much more.  I had several other friends (some from HS) who i was close with, yet I found myself often congregating, conversing, and creating deep friendships with my friends who were married or planning (in fact, two of them, two of my very best friends, I met right here on TK, and attended one of their weddings!).  They just got it, all of it.  The others try to understand, but can't.  So, if I can offer that shoulder, lend that ear, and pass on what those girls did for me- which was lifesaving- I would really love to do that for you.

A perfect example:  I have friends who still live at home, don't pay rent or bills, and they have a job for spending money while they still go to school.  They don't get why Brian and I can't spend $100 per person to go here this weekend, and $50 the next weekend, etc.  They don't get that we pay all our bills, that we are in the midst of buying a house, and whatever extra we have goes into savings.  They think we don't have fun; it's not that we don't have fun, it's that we have a different kind of fun.  We are just as happy staying in and playing board games with a glass of wine, or getting together with friends to cook dinner together and then watch a movie. 

I think you also, to some extent, get and understand the part of my life where I have had to cancel on friends last minute.  With me, it's because of my disease.  With you, it's because of the baby.  Either way, I am willing to bet that your friends get frustrated when you say "something came up and I can't go", or they stop calling because they are tired of dealing with it all.  They want the carefree lifestyle of get up and go, and the reality of life is I can't do that, and you as a mom can't do it either.  I think we understand that about each other in that regard.

I think Ava and Bryan did wonderful things for you, Lauren, and are just what you needed, need now, and will continue to need.  You know what's important, Laur.  I can see that in you, clear as day.  Hang on to that.  If you can do that, you will be just fine   And seriously, if you wanted to get together for coffee or ice cream (my treat), I would love to. 

Not to mention that I wouldn't mind getting together so you can show me some pointers on the new camera, because I am still learning it and it's going really slowly...

If you need anything, I'm here!  Just give a holler on here, FB, email or cell!

Ms.BriarRose

Here is a great site that might help a ton of brides on here:

http://jennifermendelsohn.com/sullatips.htm

Ms.BriarRose

And about timelines and what you need to get done and places to look and all the planning related questions...

My suggestion is to figure out a budget first, before you do a guest list.  Though, I guess you could say they are equally important, so it doesn't really matter.  These are the two biggest things that need to be done, and done ASAP.

The reason I say that is once you have a number, a bottom line number, that then gives you an idea of a) where to look at venues and b) how many people you can afford based off of the pricing at that venue.  Roughly, your reception should account for around 40-50% of your total wedding cost.  The "experts" say that the average in this area for a wedding (PA/NJ/DE and sometimes MD) is $25k+.  Don't be detered by that, though- it can be done on much, much less!  That's what we are here for!  To help you find the deals and steals, the bargains, and give you the tips that will help you out in planning and saving money at the same time.

Once you have an idea of a budget, then sit down and do a guest list.  Since you have your budget, take half of it, and divide it by the number of people that you are thinking.  That will give you an idea in cost pp- remember that cost needs to include gratuity and perhaps tax, if out of state.  Be ruthless when it comes to the guest list.  Do you really need the party friends from college, or the clique friends from HS?  How about church members- are they important enough (more on church members later)?  Do you really need colleagues there?  How many people are you planning on allotting to your parents for guests?  People nowadays usually understand that the main reason they don't get invited to a wedding is because of cost; if you have someone who pushes the issue, tell them that you had to keep the guest list low because of limited space in your venue (sometimes, you have to fib, even if it's not right...).  The average in this area is between 125-150.  Some have much less, in the 60-75 range, while others have waaay more (a girl on the Philly board had over 500+ ppl!).

Once you have your guest list, you can start researching venues.  The reason I say do the guest list, or at least have a number in mind (and stick with that number; that's what we ended up doing), first is because many venues in DE have space limits.  The Christiana Hilton, for example, will only hold 120 people and that's squeezing.  The Farmhouse (gorgeous, and I could totally see you getting married there, knowing your style) holds around 110 comfortably.  My venue, Exexutive banquet (owned by the ppl who did our senior prom, coincidently!), holds 300.  It all depends on the venue.

Nassau is really pretty, but, IMO is not really practical, along with other blank-slate type venues.  The reason I say that are several... 
One, for Nassau, if the majority of your guests are up this way, they have to either drive- which means they won't drink, which means they won't loosen up as much, usually- or they have to get a hotel room, which may mean some guests won't come if they don't have the money for a hotel room. 
Also, down in Sussex tends to cost a bit more, because there are not as many venues down that way, and you don't have as many choices when it comes to vendors (someone recently did a post re: cake and flowers down south, and they were having trouble finding vendors, they were only able to find two for each!); that means that if you go with a vendor up here, you may have to pay transportation fees. 
It also means that you will probably have to pay a transportation/milage fee for your day-of vendors, like your photog and video. 

Finally, the biggest issue with a place like Nassau (from what I remember) is you have to bring EVERYTHING in yourself.  Tents, chairs, china, glassware, alcohol (which can get expensive), etc; they often have preferred vendor lists which you have to choose from for vendors like catering and rentals, which means you don't get to shop around for the best price. 

Some people find this isn't a problem for them.  For me, I didn't want to spend extra time on top of the necessary planning, especially with everything going on in my life- it just would have been too much wedding.  Others, though, like being able to have that creative freedom.

I guess my first question, overall, is what vision do you have for your wedding?  Do you want a hall?  A mansion?  Outdoor ceremony?  Quaint and charming?  Grand and opulent?  How many guests are you envisioning- not an exact number, but an idea? Do you want an all-inclusive hall, which includes things like centerpieces, linens, cake, open bar in the price per person, or do you want to be able to have complete control and do it all yourself?

I know you don't have much idea in the way of budget, but do you know if it will be a total of less than 10k, 10-20k, or more?  That will help you narrow down where to look and what to keep in perspective.  For example, we spent $15k total on ours, and it was all great, with awesome vendors.  I knew, though, that with $7500 for a reception, we wouldn't be able to afford the Hotel DuPont or any of the country clubs.  Many places, like Dupont Country Club, Hotel DuPont, Deerfield, Hartefeld, Mendenhall Inn, etc, have minimums- no matter how many guests you have, you have to pay their minimum fee (somewhere around $18k-20k+).  Usually if you don't have enough guests to meet the min, they will offer you extras (ice sculpture, dessert or mashed potato bar, etc).  Remember, in MD or PA you have to pay tax on top of everything, and there is usually around 20% gratuity (though depending on the location, it may be included in the price quoted).

Now, there are a TON of ways to cut costs.  Having a wedding on Friday night or Sunday afternoon will often cut 10% off your total reception bill; if you do the reception in the off season (different for each venue), they sometimes will lower the price or nix the minimum.  You can offer chicken and fish instead of beef, do a sit down instead of a buffet.  Usually, the all inclusive venues (we can help you come up with one that fits your style) are the best bang for your buck.  And there are many, many ways to cut costs overall, so don't fret yet.  You have a great group here to help you.

Once you answer these questions, you will start to form the vision for your day, and we can point you to which venues fit your budget, guest list, and vision.  We have a whole bunch of ideas on here, so between all the girls on here we will be able to figure everything out.

I still have all my stuff left over- all my business cards, lists of vendors, brochures, etc.  You are more than welcome to it.  Plus, ask on here and the Philly board.  Most vendors from Philly, NJ, and some from MD will travel here no problem, and you can find a good vendor that doesn't cost an arm and a leg.

If you need help or have questions after reading this, let me know- I am here to help you, and so are the rest of the girls!

laurmacxo

You had me at mashed potato bar.

No, seriously they have those? That is amazing! lol

I don't want something HUGE. But, realistically, we do have a lot of family and friends and then we have to allot room for the "plus ones". I want to make the invitations myself (Target is AWESOME for this, I used their stationary for my mom's 50th last year), and I'm thinking I may have to do my invites in groups..first wave goes out, give them 2 weeks or so to RSVP, then send out the second wave (with an updates RSVP date, of course). We may only have to do this depending on the size of the guest list that we come up with.

We definitely want it to be outdoors. We've sort of found ourselves in the "agnostic" category as far as our beliefs go. I love my church family, but being married IN my chuch isn't my number one priority. That, and well, I don't particularly care for my pastors there. We do want to incorporate some scripture and prayer, but an outdoor venue is just US. Anyway. More on that later if you have questions.

We did choose our wedding party (6 bridesmaids, 6 groomsmen) and I'm not picky about the bridesmaids dresses. I'm thinking of picking a style, and letting the girls go find something they like, that they can afford, in any shade of purple (our main color). I'm thinking outdoors, chairs, luminaries, tents, and an added bonus would be an adequate indoor space in case the weather doesn't cooperate.

No offense to anyone here, but the whole 'chicken or fish' formal sit down dinner isn't really for us either. In fact, I'm thinking cupcakes instead of a wedding cake. I was thinking of having tapas style apps, but really now as I'm typing this, I'm realizing that hungry guests are grumpy guests. Maybe having a formal dinner is necessary? Hmm. Will have to look into that. I'm thinking of ways to do the food as inexpensive as I can, and still have it be delicious. (Again, SERIOUSLY? A mashed potato bar? I'm all over that!)

As far as the tables go, I'm picturing circle tables, white tablecloth, light green accent color (maybe as a sash tied around the chairs?). Centerpieces will be white and purple peonies and hydrangeas (my flowers of choice right now) in mason jars. Think shabby chic, vintage style.

Here's a few links of things that I am LOVING so far:

Favors: http://www.etsy.com/listing/65443460/50-personalized-wedding-favors-with-free?ref=cat2_gallery_34

Shoes: http://www1.bloomingdales.com/catalog/product/index.ognc?ID=516387&CategoryID=17411

Veil: http://www.etsy.com/listing/62722334/new-classic-vintage-style-9-inch?ref=sr_gallery_3&ga_search_query=birdcage+veil&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_ref=auto&ga_category=weddings.accessories&ga_facet=


Here is Paradocx Vineyard: http://www.paradocx.com/

laurmacxo

Thanks again for the encouragement, Britt.

I did see a few things that you posted on FB about your family, and I was thinking "Wow, I'm totally going through the same thing!" I'm sorry that you're going through that.

I've also been in tears reading about your health issues. I couldn't imagine living with constant pain. There is so much that I do day in and day out that I take for granted--like accomplishing those things pain free. It's hard to grasp how much something like that can take out of you physically, let alone emotionally. I'm so sorry that you're going through that and I hope that you find peace soon. Nobody deserves to have "half" a life. I hope you understand what I mean by that and don't take that the wrong way. Your life is obviously very full of love and faith and we really can get by on those things alone. Pain takes so much away from that though. I just..can't imagine. I know that if Ava were ever going through anything remotely close to that, I'd drop everything to be by her side and make sure that she is taken care of and happy and okay. Your father (I assume, from your posts) sounds a lot like mine. Some people really just have no empathy anymore. It goes a long way.

Anyway. I'm here for you if you need to vent, too. I'm usually terribly busy and my friends think I have no life--they just don't understand that my life is different now and Bryan and Ava ARE my life. I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. A lot of them haven't settled down yet, so I haven't talked to them much about the wedding.

Corey is in a phase of her life where she's really trying to find herself, so while we still talk often (she is co-MOH with my sister), we usually find ourselves catching each other up on life in general. Wedding planning hasn't really found its way into those conversations yet. Her BF wants to settle down and she doesn't right now. So, eh, yeah..I usually keep the wedding talk to a minimum.

My poor co-workers. Seriously, I see them more often than anyone else in my life, so we're pouring over bridal magazines every day on breaks. They're excited though, and I love hearing their opinions. Even if some of them are totally off the wall and not for me It's nice to have this board here to talk about these things without feeling like I'm boring anyone.

 (I'm not, right? Are you still awake? lol)