Personal Attendant.... courious on your view

StacyJenniges

So one of the sticky subjects on the Knot is the Roll of the Personal Attendant.  I'm from southwest Minnesota a town of about 650 people, I went to school in St Cloud, and now I live in Minneapolis.  All of my friends have had Personal Attendants and I myself was a Personal Attendant one time.  In my circles this is an honor you are considered to be part of the wedding party along the same lines as the ushers they sit at a reserved table and you get them a nice thank you gift. 

So I am wondering if this is a small town thing in Minnesota or if it is a Minnesota thing.  I have noticed on the Minnesota boards that one of the other sticky topics "Cash Bar"  that many Minnesota brides find the cash bars the norm, so I'm wondering if it is the same for the Personal Attendant role?

Steph0871

I do think this is a regional thing, and if it's 'normal' and accepted in your circle of friends, go for it.

That being said, I really don't understand it.  Why not just make them a bridesmaid?  I don't know. I guess I didn't see the need to have someone catering to me the morning of the wedding, but I am a fairly relaxed person? We also had a smaller wedding party, just 3 on each side.  My mom was there most of the morning, and my sister was my MOH.  I guess, looking back, I can't think of anything I would have wanted a PA to do anyway, so I just don't understand the need for them.

musicalsunlight

I'd never heard of the "role" until coming to TK. That said, I have no been in any weddings myself. I'm the first of my friends to get married. I am not planning on having a personal attendant. I would probably dislike if a friend asked me to do it, but that is because I would hate to be that person who has the responsibilities involved in the "personal attendant" role. I know there are some people who love that kind of stuff. Either way, I think it is very much a social circle thing, though in my gut, I don't love the idea.

shan87

I agree with Steph it is based more on your circle of friends. I never heard of them until 2 years ago when my roommate was one for her cousin.

That being said, I have a college friend that asked to be mine. I would have never had one, had she not requested to be. I think she wants to help out in any way she can. She also asked for a list of responsiblities. LoL Basically, she is going to hang out with us while we get ready, pick up things we forget, hand out the flowers, bouts, corsages, and make sure the BMs are ready for pics (since I'll be doing our First Look). TBH I think these are all things other people can do but she offered. Some people are like that. I would love to help out at a Wedding any way I can, and to me wearing a dress I already own is a plus

beka0404

I think it's more of an outstate thing versus a metro thing, but even that varies. I grew up in an area of the metro where PAs are the norm. With the rise in popularity of DOCs, there seem to be fewer brides (on this board, at least) who are having them.

You're probably not looking for everyone's opinions on PAs - it seems like we all have them and aren't afraid to share them... Personally, after a couple of highly negative experiences as a PA, I used to be completely opposed to the concept. But now that my own wedding is over, I'm looking forward to being a PA for a friend this summer. I'm not offended to not be a bridesmaid - she wasn't in my wedding and we're good friends but not "besties" - I also think of it as the female equivalent to an usher (and I'd rather help steam the bride's veil than seat guests as an "usherette"). I think the keys to having it be a positive experience for all parties are A) not relying on a PA to do the job of a DOC and just like you mentioned, including a PA as part of the wedding party (it totally sucks to be a PA and be helping with pictures and not be included- hello, leperville!).

StacyJenniges

Thanks all of you for sharing your views.  I also thank you for who feels it's a crapy job for being so kind about your different of opinions.  Musicalsunlight never heard of the role till the knot, funny thing is that I never knew this wasn't standard until the knot.  Funny how customs differ in different areas even in Minnesota.  I have a large wedding party so I'm actually going to have 2 personal attendants.  One will be more of a photagraph helper, her husband is the best man and him and my fiance's brother can get a bit out of hand and a bit off track, she knows the photagrapher well (one of our friends is starting a photagraphy buisness so she's going to do our pictures for like $500!)  and she isn't afraid to yell at her husband or my fiance's brother, she obviously knows her husband well and also knows the brother well too. 

StacyJenniges

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_minnesota-minneapolis-st-paul_personal-attendant-courious?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:81Discussion:07d8ff9a-b81d-40e3-a5e9-46f42b6490c4Post:91c0eba8-9b7f-40d3-897a-44de86b7035f">Re: Personal Attendant.... courious on your view</a>:
[QUOTE]After a couple of highly negative experiences as a PA, I used to be completely opposed to the concept. But now that my own wedding is over, I'm looking forward to being a PA for a friend this summer. I'm not offended to not be a bridesmaid - she wasn't in my wedding and we're good friends but not "besties" - I also think of it as the female equivalent to an usher (and I'd rather help steam the bride's veil than seat guests as an "usherette"). I think the keys to having it be a positive experience for all parties are A) not relying on a PA to do the job of a DOC and B) including a PA as part of the wedding party (it totally sucks to be a PA and be helping with pictures but not be included - hello, leperville!).
Posted by beka0404[/QUOTE]

I totaly agree with you.   My personal attendants will be listed in the program, i was happy to be a personal attendant in one of my friends weddings, I ended up being more of a DOC but that was because it rained all day and she was suppose to have an out door wedding so I had to work at getting things ready for an indoor wedding.

musicalsunlight

Yes, if someone OFFERS to be your PA or is obviously enthusiastic about the idea, that is much better than trying to desparately find someone to help you. Like I said, some people love doing that kind of stuff, so good for them.

kgettingmarried

I have never heard of this role before, I always thought that was a bridesmaid duty.  I'm not having any in my ceremony but don't see the harm in it if you want to have them.

SuperRNluvsChef

I'd heard of the roll before but I was confused about what I would have one do, so I'm not having one. 

mlschn06

I have been a PA and will be having a PA, with my circle of friends it is just like you are part of the main wedding party- basically an equivalent of an usher for the guys. You are in some of the pro photos and hang out and get ready with everyone the day of- I do not plan on having my PA running around with 100 different things to do! They will just be there to share the day with me!

Enchanted616

My aunt is mine.. she has a lot of mental issues and I wanted my other aunt to do a reading, and I knew she would have a fit about being "left out."  I plan on her sitting with us girls while we get ready, but other than that.. nothing.

SSaltzman87

I personally don't see much value in having one, but if it's something you want- go for it! Although, I do think it's something that should be offered by someone to do as opposed to you asking them to be one.

wittyschaffy

I have been one but I didn't have one.  If done right, it can be a really big honor because you hand over a lot of responsibility to them and they need to be the kind of person who is comfortable being in charge and telling people what to do but they also have to be a supportive person who can help you if something goes wrong.

 I also agree that they need to be treated like a member of the bridal party (ie in pictures, in the limo if you have one, mentioned in the program, thanked, etc.).  When I was a PA the bride didn't recognize me in any way and I was a little sad about that, especially since I had worked really hard on her behalf all day. 

If you are going to have a PA, make sure you do have stuff for them to do, otherwise it seems like a pity honor and not something you actually need/want.

Cackle6

I was one in my aunts wedding when I was in my early teens - I think it was her way of including me in the wedding since I was too old to be a flowergirl and too young to be a bridesmaid (and it was a smaller wedding so there wouldn't really have been room for junior bridesmaids). I remember being so happy to help her get ready and be in the room before the wedding, so it's a really happy and wonderful memory for me, especially since she's no longer with us.

I plan on having my 5 girl cousins, who right now range in ages from 6-20, to be my PA's. None of us have sisters, so we've kinda grown up having eachother as "sisters," so I wanted to be able to include them the same way my aunt included me.

So I think if you have someone that you want to include in your wedding, but either don't have room for another bridesmaid, or aren't as close to the person, but want to include them, I think it's a good role. And I think a PA can really play whatever role you want them to - whether it's to help you get ready and help with anything that comes up, or just to be there as moral support.

And I think it is a regional thing, but they don't have them out here in Philly. The DOC ends up filling that roll for the most part as far as I can tell.

debbieupper

I had a PA and she was such a lifesaver. I also had a DOC. Both were busy doing very different things. Turns out things can get a little crazy when you're throwing a 200-guest wedding.

I asked one of my great friends to be a PA -- a friend who A)I knew would want to do it; she lives for organization and management! and B)who would expect a PA role in a wedding (i.e. the concept of PA to her was standard, not foreign). We included her in the program, pro-pics, and got her a thank you gift, and I would never consider NOT doing any of those if you're having a PA.

We had a large wedding party: six on each side. I have a lot of brothers and sisters and if I wanted to ask all of my best friends to be BMs, I would have had like 12 of them.

Here's what she did:

-She brought "the kit", which I didn't ask for, but she very enthusiastically put together. Good thing, too. When H and I were doing our first look photos, he stepped on my train and got a giant, bright green grass stain smack in the middle of it. PA grabbed "the kit", which contained some magic potion her mom makes for stains, and proceeded to rub the entire thing out, seriously like magic. I could have kissed her.

-Also in "the kit" was eyelash glue. Who is this girl and how is she so smart? SHE actually made me cry when she was driving me to the venue (happy tears), and I accidentally ripped off one of my fake eyelashes! But PA to the rescue, she fixed it and my eye make-up like a pro.

-While the rest of our WP was still at the hotel getting ready, she drove my sister (MOH) and I to the venue and helped us get situated in the bridal room.

-She forced water on me all day, especially during cocktail hour when we couldn't leave the receiving line to get anything to drink.

-Stood with me while I waited to walk down the aisle and got me super excited and giggly.

-She caught my bouquet! It was perfect.

Once the ceremony started, she pretty much just enjoyed the celebrations like anyone else (except that she is awesome and kept bringing me water). 

Do I think everyone should have a PA? No, definitely not. Particularly not for smaller weddings, and definitely not if the people involved aren't all for it.

JeremiahsBabe

One of my good friends is going to be my PA.  SHe was super excited about it and had talked to my MOH about if I would want one and that if I did she would love to do it.  SO MOH told me that and then I asked her.  I would not have one if someone hadn't approached me about it but I am super excited to have her.  She got married a few years ago and is a wedding stalker and has sent me tons of pic ideas.  I told her I did not know really what a PA did and she listed off tons of stuff she would do for me much like all that Debbieupper listed.

PoliceWife104

I like the idea of a PA, if someone were to offer to do it.  Especially, if she was like Debbie's friend!  = )

Honestly though, the only person I can see doing a great job at it, with keeping me calm & keeping things on track, is my SIL.... Who just happens to be my MOH!  She's very organized & knows me VERY well, so I have every confidence in her abilities to keep me sane on my wedding day!  = )

graysquirrel

It is a tradition in my family to have an older relative be one's PA. I asked my aunt who is in her 60s to do the job and she was very honored to be asked. Her role will be to help me get dressed and help me out before the wedding starts. She is NOT like a DOC because she doesn't deal with vendors or order other people around. She is also there to keep my mom from freaking out because my mom does not handle stress well. After the ceremony starts she is free to spend the rest of the night as she pleases.

In the cases where people make one of their girlfriends be a PA, I don't see why they're doing it. A friend of mine had one of her friends be her PA last year and the girl had to buy a BM dress even though she wasn't going to walk down the aisle or get any credit like a BM. It was like a consolation prize. 

JeremiahsBabe

huh making them wear a BM dress?  Thats a tad strange to me.  My PA is altering a BM dress she wore in another wedding into a tea length dress to wear.  

[Deleted User]

All of my friends who have had weddings had a PA or two.  I also know several people who have been a PA in someone's wedding.  For my friends/family it's  considered an honor as well to be asked to do this... similar to a reader or usher, as PP's have mentioned.  There are tons of friends that I would have loved to have ben Bridesmaids but we were trying to keep a smaller WP, plus DH only had 2 guys on my side and i think it would have been a bit strange if I had 8-10 girls and he had 2 guys.  (we still had an uneven number, 3 & 2 but that's not like 10 & 2, lol)

My PA hung out with us while we got ready, brought an emergency kit, ran to my house and got my crinoline when I relized I'd left it, organized the bridal party before they walked down the aisle, went and got people who wandered off when we were taking formal pics and they were needed, bussled my dress after the ceremony and refilled the candy in the candy buffet as it got low.

A Bridesmaid has herself to get ready & worry about, and it would be hard (even impossible) for a bridesmaid to take on some of the tasks that may be needed. 

I Want Cake

I think it really depends on how high-maintenence you are.  I really wasn't and was happy to deal with things myself as they came.  I thrive on that stuff.  For me, my MOH kind of filled that role.  She helped me in and out of my dress a few times, fetched a couple things for me, and painted my fingernails and toenails as I had my hair and makeup done.  I'm sure she did a bunch of other stuff, but I can't say exactly what.  I also didn't have a DOC and was happy I didn't.  It would've been wasted money and effort.  I'd assess your needs before you ask anyone to fill the position. 

It makes me wonder, if a PA is supposed to be your go-to during the day, then what are your BMs there for?  I'd think that as long as they're there, and supposedly your closest friends and family, they'd be happy to pitch in to help you out, too, instead of just holding a bouquet and smiling pretty.

j&jyoung

As far as I know, Personal Attendants are not a regional thing, you can find information in most wedding resources.  They are also not new, my mother had a Personal Attendant (over 50 years ago!).   I think it's a personal decision with what you feel comfortable with and what your wedding party or the potential PA is comfortable with.  Our wedding party is small, Bridesmaids/Groomsmen and ushers are all family, or close friends we have known for 20+ years.  I have a friend that I met in the last couple of years and we have become close and I would like her to be in the wedding party so I have asked her to be my Personal Attendant.  In my situation, that means she is included at the rehearsal dinner, can get ready with me and the bridesmaids the day of the wedding if she would like to, gets a corsage, and is invited to the day after brunch.  I want to honor her as a special friend and I am not assigning her any duties other than to come, have fun, and support me on this special day.  She is thrilled an honored. 
So - that may not work for everyone, but for me it's worked out perfectly.

Steph0871

pssst, J&J... this thread was a few weeks old.