Minnesota-Minneapolis and St. Paul
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Issues with my sister/MOH. Any advice welcomed

I am absolutely devistated. I week ago today my sister/MOH called me up screaming at me. She is mad at me for not having her husband walk me down the isle (our father died 5 years ago and I am not close with our brother), but I really wanted the person walking me down the isle to know both my fiance and I and love us both so I asked his father who has been a huge support of our relationship and someone we see almost every day.

She is also angry at me for not coming to visit her this year. I made a commitment to a volunteer position that keeps me very busy and spends a lot of my spare cash on top of trying to save for our wedding in October of 2013 (for 400, we both have very large families). I also told my sister before accepting this volunteer position that it would mean I wouldn't be able to come out there this year. (My sister moved 1800 miles away when she was 18 and I visit more then anyone else in our family.) The thing that pushed her over the edge is My fiance's parents our taking us on a vacation this fall as a gift. It isn't costing me a penny and they are my new employers so they are also giving me additional days off to take for the vacation that I wouldn't have if we weren't doing this.

She ended her yelling at me with saying that they weren't coming to my wedding. So now I have no MOH and no flower girl. My friends here keep telling me to give her time and she realize she is over reacting, but my sister turns 35 this year and has never apologized to me for anything and this is not the first time she has done something like this. It was easier for me to forgive her before, but now I feel like I have given in to her tantrums too many times and if she truely cares she owes me an apology for once.

I feel like she wants me to give up everything for her and for many years I have. I took my first vacation in eight years last year that didn't involve me flying out there to stay with them. I love my sister and nieces with all of my heart, but I think for the first time I need to put myself and my fiance first. We want to start our own family right after we get married.

Right now I am just playing the waiting game. I am waiting to offically ask my bridal party until October of this year and then I will want to start looking for Bridesmaid dresses. I already bought my dress and need the exact color we end up choosing to go further with certain details of my wedding. Do I replace her in the bridal party if she hasn't bothered to contact me by then?

Am I wrong to want to put myself first once? Any advice would be greatly welcomed. Thank you all for listening. This has been very hard

Re: Issues with my sister/MOH. Any advice welcomed

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    I'm really sorry that you're dealing with this. It's tough going through something like this at any time, and putting wedding issues on top of it makes it harder.

    Had you actually asked her to be your MOH and your niece your FG? You said you were waiting to officially ask your WP for awhile; does that mean you informally asked them in some way? In theory, if you haven't let them believe in any sort of way that they would be in your WP, you could ask someone else. But I would advise against that. Replacing them would make you look catty and would probably only further the drama. I would leave those spots open, and if they're not there, then it's your sister that made that choice. If that means you'll have uneven sides, that's okay.

    I think you're totally "in the right" for standing up for yourself. It sounds like your sister expects things to revolve around her, and maybe this is the first time she isn't really getting her way. I had a falling out with my sister awhile back that, to put it very simply, stemmed from me not doing things the way she wanted. We didn't talk for a good chunk of time, and I wasn't sure she'd show up at my wedding almost two years ago. She did, and we've since worked things out, and are pretty close now. Maybe things will turn around in your family, too.
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    I haven't offically asked her yet, but it was a deal we made as kids and I was hers so that was my plan.

    I have big time OCD so as weird as it sounds having different amounts would not work for me. I have to have the same amount of girls on my side as he has guys on his. I know I'm weird but it is my little thing. It is why I'm asking so early my wedding is more then a year out but My fiance's best friend is getting married the month before us and another of his good friends a couple months before that. So I am hoping to have most stuff done before summer of next year.
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    You've still got over a year until your wedding, hopefully your sister won't still hold a grudge until then. I agree with PP that it was good you stood up for yourself.

    For now, I wouldn't be concerned about what to do exactly because you really do have more than enough time to figure out what to do if at say- 6 months out she says she wants out again.
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    I get wanting the sides to be even, really. It's part of the reason H and I only had one attendant each -- he's got more really close friends than I do. But your WP should be your nearest and dearest, not your second best because your sister backed out.

    I also think that you should consider waiting until after the holidays this year to ask your WP. Say you ask soon, and something comes up for someone you asked in six months and they find out they can't make it. Or what if your H's relationship changes with someone, maybe they have a falling out, and that person decides they don't want to attend your wedding. Both of these things could likely happen with this much time to go before your wedding. Are you going to ask someone to fill those places because having even sides is important to you? I would hope not, because it would be clear that the replacement WP member wasn't good enough to be included originally, but they're fine to be a placeholder.
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    My Fiance is asking only his closest friends that have been a part of his life since they we're children (we're in our 30's now) and I was only asking half of my sister's and half of his and then my 2 closest friends both I have been friends with for more then 5 years. We don't have a lot of Drama in our lives normally. Sadly my sister has always been the one little bit I did have.

    I know a year out seems like a long ways away to some to plan things, but I am a planner. I tend to have everything planned out months in advance and I am not good with anything being spur of the moment. Plus with 2 of the guys in his wedding party also getting married next year we aren't going to have much time from May until October when we have our wedding so I was hoping to go looking for dresses in november as January is always booked for us. We both volunteer with the St. Paul Winter Carnival.

    I really appreciate all the advice. Please keep it coming and thank you for reading my long story. :)
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    Is looking for dresses the main reason you want to ask your WP so early? Because if it were me looking for a dress, I wouldn't want to have to buy one so early. My weight fluctuates a lot, so I'd much rather wait until a 3-6 months before your wedding. That should still be plenty of time to order any dress, and I'd have a better idea of where my body would be at.

    I hope this doesn't come off as arguing with you, because that's not my intention. I'm just tend to look at things from all perspectives, so I just wanted to point out a different point-of-view.

    If you want more responses from people, you could try posting this on Etiquette or Wedding Party. Links are in the blue column on the left.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_minnesota-minneapolis-st-paul_issues-with-my-sistermoh-any-advice-welcomed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:81Discussion:0cf27e6d-ddc9-42e7-a360-a30e551f9159Post:84f82079-ba35-4306-aa2f-044d3da25e28">Re: Issues with my sister/MOH. Any advice welcomed</a>:

    I want to pick the dresses they will wear so I know the exact shade of my color we are going with. I am big into the matchy matchy stuff and I won't have time to go looking for a dress next year with how many other weddings we are in.

    Thank you so much for listening it really does help to hear what others think. :)

    [QUOTE]Is looking for dresses the main reason you want to ask your WP so early? Because if it were me looking for a dress, I wouldn't want to have to buy one so early. My weight fluctuates a lot, so I'd much rather wait until a 3-6 months before your wedding. That should still be plenty of time to order any dress, and I'd have a better idea of where my body would be at. I hope this doesn't come off as arguing with you, because that's not my intention. I'm just tend to look at things from all perspectives, so I just wanted to point out a different point-of-view. If you want more responses from people, you could try posting this on Etiquette or Wedding Party. Links are in the blue column on the left.
    Posted by tpender13[/QUOTE]
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    I am sorry you have had to go through this. It sounds like you really deserve a great vacation, who is your sister to be angry about that? And how wonderful that your future in-laws are picking up the tab and giving you time off work.

    It also sounds great that you are doing volunteer work, and if that means that you don't come out an visit her, well, it is your life and your option to do so. It sounds like you have been to visit her several other times, and it certainly is realistic that you don't go every year.

    And it's wonderful that you chose someone to walk you down the aisle that you will be comfortable with, and that is close to you and your fiance. In my view, anybody who tries to tell anybody how to execute any part of their wedding is completely in the wrong. If you asked for advice, that would be one thing, but you didn't. I would expect a MOH to be fully supportive the decisions you make about the wedding, and other things you do in your personal life too.

    Only you can know if it is worth waiting for her to come around, but if you get tired of waiting, you certainly are in the right to move on without her and ask someone else to be your MOH. She did indeed said she is not coming.

    Your sister is trying to control your behaviour, and I agree that she is the one that owes you an apology.

    I would also suggest that you consider whether, if she comes around and decides to participate after all, if you think the drama will be over. There sadly are so many people on this board who have problem after problem with bridesmaids, MOH, etc. It should be a time to celebrate and enjoy yourselves, and it is much less fun if you have someone who is always causing problems. This is your time, not hers.
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    wittyschaffywittyschaffy member
    Combo Breaker First Anniversary First Comment
    edited July 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_minnesota-minneapolis-st-paul_issues-with-my-sistermoh-any-advice-welcomed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:81Discussion:0cf27e6d-ddc9-42e7-a360-a30e551f9159Post:d325a411-1045-467b-a324-36f80467a979">Re: Issues with my sister/MOH. Any advice welcomed</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am sorry you have had to go through this. It sounds like you really deserve a great vacation, who is your sister to be angry about that? And how wonderful that your future in-laws are picking up the tab and giving you time off work. It also sounds great that you are doing volunteer work, and if that means that you don't come out an visit her, well, it is your life and your option to do so. It sounds like you have been to visit her several other times, and it certainly is realistic that you don't go every year. And it's wonderful that you chose someone to walk you down the aisle that you will be comfortable with, and that is close to you and your fiance. In my view, anybody who tries to tell anybody how to execute any part of their wedding is completely in the wrong. If you asked for advice, that would be one thing, but you didn't. I would expect a MOH to be fully supportive the decisions you make about the wedding, and other things you do in your personal life too. Only you can know if it is worth waiting for her to come around, but if you get tired of waiting, you certainly are in the right to move on without her and ask someone else to be your MOH. She did indeed said she is not coming. Your sister is trying to control your behaviour, and I agree that she is the one that owes you an apology. I would also suggest that you consider whether, if she comes around and decides to participate after all, if you think the drama will be over. There sadly are so many people on this board who have problem after problem with bridesmaids, MOH, etc. It should be a time to celebrate and enjoy yourselves, and it is much less fun if you have someone who is always causing problems. This is your time, not hers.
    Posted by flower_lover[/QUOTE]

    I couldn't have said it better myself!
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