Personal Attendant AND DOC?

leggwilliams

So I had pretty much decided to ask my neice to be my personal attendant, mainly because I wasn't going to have a personal attendant and I was trying to find her a special place in the wedding since her little sister will be a junior bridesmaid and her littlest sister will be a flower girl. I figured this way she could still feel a part of the wedding and get to hang out with the bridal party (she's best friends with my MOH/sister) even though we're not close enough for me to ask her to be a BM. The thing is, though, that she'll only be 16 at the time and I'm still a little worried about the day running smoothly and everything getting done without me having to stress about it. I've been highly considering hiring a DOC, but then is it silly to have a personal attendant? Have any of you had personal attendant/s and a DOC? And if so, what tasks did you designate to the personal attendants vs. the DOC?

veijes

I'm still trying to fit a DOC into my budget, but if it's doable then I'm DEFINITELY using one! She will help out with vendors and all the technical side of the wedding, my personal attendant is more there for moral support and making sure my dress and veil and hair....blah blah, is perfect and that I have everything that I need. She will also probably help set up the reception site but the DOC coordinator also does that.

anitalynn

Personal attendants should not be DOCs, and vise versa.Your personal attendant should be there to remind you to touch up your lipstick and to help you pee.  Your personal attendant should be there for the fun (Getting dressed!  Pictures!  Dinner!) - NOT running around making sure that things go smoothly.A DOC makes certain that things run on time.  A DOC distributes final payments and/or tips.  A DOC deals with any problems (trust me, everyone has 1 issue at their wedding) and finds solutions.  A DOC might light candles on the dinner tables.  A DOC might cue the DJ for your first dance.A DOC and a Personal Attendant are 2 completely different things.  Personal Attendants should be unpaid wedding day slaves.  I would never count on a Personal Attendant to make certain things run smoothly.  I absolutely would never count on a 16 year old PA to make certain things run smoothly.  You can still ask her to help you with things (like lipstick, the things PAs should do) but I think it's unfair to expect her to run the show.

LittleSweetie

If you want to include your niece, why don't you just invite her in the bridal suite the morning of the wedding??  I'm not a big fan of PAs in general.  I initially wanted to include my cousin in my WP as a PA, but the more I thought about it, what's in it for her?  She has to be in charge of my things, fluff my dress, get me water - basically unhired help when you think about it.  In the end, I made her a BM.  And what are your BMs for - just to look pretty?  They should be the ones helping you on your big day - that's their job.  16 isn't too young for a BM - I'd urge you to reconsider.  A DOC has WAY more experience than any PA, you could argue.  And they work HARD on that day - there have been PAs from weddings on this board who haven't met the (not high) expectations of their brides.  Plus, do you want your 16-yo niece to remember your wedding day by all the work she had to do?  Or all the fun she had without being burdened by attending to your beck and call...?

anitalynn

OOops!  Missed the most important word:A DOC and a Personal Attendant are 2 completely different things. Personal Attendants should NOT be unpaid wedding day slaves.

SMorriso

My personal attendant was there with me from my hair appointment through the reception. She helped take pictures of the day, helped me when I needed a bathroom break, kept me hydrated with water etc.DOC's generally are the people there to help set up, arrange for vendor relations, keep things running on time, etc. The person I had at my wedding completing DOC duties was there to set up my escort cards, run set up production with helpers. I didn't spend a lot of time with her before the ceremony. She stayed until the end, helping with clean up, pack up, etc. I needed both for my day, and I felt much more relieved knowing they had different and specific roles in my day.I personally feel it is wildly inappropriate to consider any person in your service on your wedding day, a "wedding day slave"

loveand3dglasses

I had neither, and the only problems I really had on my weddding day was having people show up that rsvp'd "no". But I think it's fine if you have both.

beka0404

I have been a PA three times. One time was good, sandwiched between two horrible experiences.Anitalynn NAILED it. I cannot aptly describe how insulting it was to be a PA and expected to work while my friends were sipping champagne in their gowns.

huwehotaling

I had a PA and no DOC and everything went fine.  However, it was only due to the fact that the staff at McNamara were amazing and took care of setting everything up for the reception.  I would say have a DOC over a PA if you're worried about the day running smoothly.  My PA didn't do much of anything (and I only asked her to do a few things), but my BMs were awesome and made sure I had everything I needed.  I would just ask your niece to spend the day with you instead of asking her to be a PA.

emilyj77

I am having both. One of my best friends is my PA, since she's not the dress wearing type, and I wanted to include her. I'm hoping that she can help me with ceremony type things, but then once we get to the reception she can have fun with everyone else. My DOC is another friend who is great at events and will handle everything at the reception, which hopefully won't be too much since we'll have the day before to set-up.Everyone that I know that chose not to have DOC regretted it afterwards. Peace of mind on your wedding day is really crucial, plus do you really want to deal with vendors who are late or lost. Hire a DOC for sure!

leggwilliams

Wow, I never meant to imply that I wanted my neice to be a "wedding slave". As I said, I'm worried about things running smoothly because I wouldn't ever expect her to be in charge of keeping everything in order. The only reason I was asking if I should have both was I just didn't want to have my neice think that I think she's useless. I just want her to feel like she has an important job in the wedding and wouldn't want to designate everything to the DOC so I guess what I was asking is how to explain to her what her "duties" would be, vs. the DOC and the BMs. And LittleSweetie, thanks for the input, but it's not because I think she's too young that I'm not asking her to be a BM. My MOH is the same age.

LittleSweetie

No worries - your OP made it sound like she was between ages to be a BM vs. a Jr BM and that's why you'd make her a PA.  Thanks for clarifying.

veijes

Leggwilliams- i never thought you implied the whole "wedding slave" thing at all, I think some people are against PA's and get all touchy on the subject. I have a close friend that offered to help out with centerpieces and setting up and has helped me run a lot of wedding "errands" so I felt she needed a "title" in our wedding party because I appreciate all she has done and all she plans to do. Some people might look at it that she is being my "slave" and that is total BS, she is truly happy for me and loves weddings so she is really excited to help out. I'm sure your neice will love to be a PA, if anything it's just a title to be in the wedding party and she will get to hang out with all of you and feel special, I'm sure there are little things she can help out with on the wedding day to feel like she is serving a purpose as the role. It will all work out! But I would recommend doing a DOC just to make sure things run smoothly and you are paying that person to make sure they do that!

beka0404

Hi, my name is Kate, and I knee-jerk-reaction-posted. Sorry! I should have read your post a little bit better.You can totally have a PA be an honorary thing - I would imagine a 16 year old would be pretty psyched to be hanging out with the bridal party and included.

leggwilliams

Thanks veijes and the rest of you that gave constructive help! I'm definitely considering a DOC if I can fit it in the budget

SMorriso

Just to clarify as well. My comments against the use of that term was generalized, and not directed at anyone in particular. I loved having my PA with me, she was amazing. I'm sure your niece will feel really special that you've included her.

anitalynn

I just think people do not fully understand all that goes into what a DOC does.  I think that it's a big job, and that if you had a PA doing all of those things, they'd be running themselves ragged, but just not getting any pay for the job.  That is where "wedding slave" comes into play...  if you want to honor someone and have them as a PA, you shouldn't ask them to do things that you would hire a DOC for.  My DOC ran her butt off, and I am so happy that myself, my parents, or my wedding party didn't have to do all of the things that she said she would do as our DOC.I see nothing wrong with having a PA at all.  However, I think the job of a DOC is too much to ask of a PA.  I think if you have a PA (I had one, she was awesome!) they should be able to have fun and enjoy the wedding just as your wedding party would enjoy it.  I think if you give the PA all of the tasks that you'd have a DOC for, you'll just run them ragged and it won't be fun.I dont think it's silly to have both a PA and a DOC, because they are completely different roles, IMO.  You asked:  Have any of you had personal attendant/s and a DOC? And if so, what tasks did you designate to the personal attendants vs. the DOC?My answer:  I had both.  My DOC set up chairs for our ceremony, instructed the florist as to where to set the flowers up, my DOC got our musician situated for the ceremony.  She went to the store (I think..?) for umbrellas when our weather-forecasted sunny day ended up being rain all day long.  She lit the candles on the tables for our reception.  She moved the flowers from the ceremony to the reception (so we didn't have to make the florist come back to do it).  She coordinated food service with my uncle (who was our caterer) and as food service was wrapping up, she had the DJ start the first dance and the parent dances.  We ran out of soda (at home reception) and my DOC went to the store to buy more.  She was SO incredibly instrumental!My PA came and got dressed/did makeup with us.  She helped me into my dress and was in charge of my purse with lipstick and makeup touchups in it.  She was a total saint and carried a bottle of water for me too, which I didn't ask her to do, but she just did it anyway!  At pictures she made sure everything looked as it should - from the veil to my makeup.  She took some pictures with us, too.  Once we got to the reception, she was just a member of the party!  I was so glad to have her as my PA - she notices the makeup stuff, notices the hair stuff, she was the perfect person to help with that stuff... but once dinner and the dance started, she really didn't have any 'tasks' other than to just have fun!  At the end of the night, before we left, she snipped the string in my updo (my updo was sewn in rather than bobby-pinned in) so that Joe wouldn't have to fumble at it. 

polichik

In general, I'm not a big fan of the whole "personal attendant" thing. I totally understand that you want your niece to feel included in your day, which is nice of you! How would you feel about talking to her and asking what she might like to do for the day?Honestly, I feel like if you're not close enough to her to ask her to be a JBM, she should understand and enjoy herself as a guest. If you'd like to invite her to get ready the morning of, I feel like that should be more than enough to make her feel included. It's up to you, but in my experience, most people don't feel left out if they don't have a special job, as long as they're included in the fun.Good luck!

alillemoe

I think it would be nice to have her be a PA. And ask her to hold your lipstick and help you pee. On another note, I have been a PA several different times and I have taken on a variety of responsibilities beyond helpfing the bride touch up her lips and pee. I was willing to do whatever the bride needed to help avoid stress no matter what the request was including tipping vendors, running back to the bride's house to pick up a forgotten item, helping move flowers from the church to the wedding, giving gifts to certain people, holding bags of stuff and helping with photos. I found it to be an honor to be the bride's right hand gal. Different people have different perceptions on what the role of a PA is.

hkiesling

My PA is actually begging for a list of things to do.  She loves the wedding process (she's also a part-time florist and sings a many weddings).  I've delegrated minor jobs to quite a few family members, and I'm just asking my PA to "oversee" a bit. She has a great eye for detail and has been to enough weddings to know how/when/why/where things go.  She'll also help me get ready (as the only in-state wedding party girl she came to my fittings with me) and make sure the church is in working order before everyone leaves (grab the programs and aisle runner and stash them in a side room until Sunday when I pick them up).  Once dinner starts, she'll just be like any other guest.

hkiesling

I also wanted to note that before the knot I had never heard of a DOC, and I've been in seven weddings!  They do seem useful though...

Bimbi284

I am having a DOC...she's actually a coworker of my mom's who we are close with. She is insanely organized, and her job is to plan events (consumer shows), so I know she'll be able to handle it. She's thought of things I wouldn't have even considered, and, being that I am an OOT bride, I am sooo thankful to have her there "in the trenches" if you will to help with some of this stuff!As for PAs, we will actually have two. It'll be a husband and wife team, FI's aunt and uncle that live in MSP. They are both teachers, so again, very organized. His aunt will be helping out the ladies making sure things go smoothly in regards to prep, and his uncle will be doing the same for the boys. FI tends to get a over anxious in stressful situations, so we figured having family help us out in the prep would be great. His uncle can help him find the stuff he will inevitably miss place on that day so he doesn't freak out, lol.Aside from that, they will help my DOC with set-up at the reception and make sure the guests get to where they are supposed to go.

kitzy03

I had two personal attendants and it worked out great. They hung out while we did pictures and all of that....is there someone a little older that you would feel comfortable asking to be another PA so that the 16 year old has more guidance? Little things like when my more experienced PA remembered dental floss and where i set my lipstick down (whoops!) was so helpful. The 16 year old probably won't really know what to do or what to anticipate and it could be fun for her to have a "buddy" to help out too.

kitzy03

oh, and I didn't need a DOC because both the chapel and the reception had really great staff that took care of all the little details....

leggwilliams

That's a good idea, kitzy03...I hadn't thought of that, thanks!