Guest List...

Dahlke&Kissell

Last question I promise! I just keeping thinking of new things that I need help with!

The problem is the church holds about 100 less than the reception hall....my parents believe that we need to cut down the list of people because because people can not only be invited to the reception. They must be invited to both or it looks very poor.

Is this true? Honestly, I would not be offended if I was only invited to a reception because it is understood that there can only be so many people at the church, but I do not know what other people think of this.

Would it be bad etiquette to invite the people who have not been a huge part of my life (my parent's old time friends and 3rd+ on cousins (again only have seen these people maybe once or twice in my life) to only the reception?

khornbach

Guests should really be invited to both parts of the wedding. Think about people showing up to the reception only to hear about the beautiful ceremony they missed out on. Perhaps you could look into larger ceremony venues?

wittyschaffy

If you parents are holding your vision of your day hostage because they're paying for a big chunk of the day, then perhaps you need to start saving money up to cover their portion.  The fact that they want to include their friends in the big day is great - it is a big event for them to - but when it boils down to it, the only people that it should really matter to is you and your FI.  They had their day of celebration already and this is YOUR wedding now.  Honestly, I'd sit down and have a very candid (but caring) conversation with them and set up some boundaries and expectations before you get too far or else you'll be fighting battles like these the whole planning process. 

I had a (very) small ceremony and large reception but I'm talking that there were 12 people at the ceremony including our bridal party.  (and I realize that isn't popular with all folks on this board)  The place I got married is small and sentimentally important to DH and myself.  He booked the ceremony location long before I even knew we were going to be engaged because he knew I liked it so much and it was where we went for him to eventually propose to me.  Our friends and family would have been incredibly disappointed if we didn't have a party for them to celebrate with us so we had a traditional big reception.  We also were aware that people may want to feel like they were a part of our ceremony so we took great pains to make that happen by having our videographer rush produce a small "highlight" video of our vows to be presented as our introduction to the party. 

I think the *only* way that you can have a smaller ceremony guest list than your reception is if you do it that way - have the ceremony VERY small. 

LCW2LCO

In this day and age - DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO! I think it's totally acceptable (and very very very normal nowadays) to have a smaller ceremony and a larger reception. People understand space constraints and it means a lot to people to have them at your reception too! It's spendy to feed many people and it makes them feel good. I've been around a ton of weddings and have noticed this to be true. There is almost always more people at the reception than the ceremony.

We are splitting wedding cost in three ways with our families: My parents = 1/3, FI's parents =1/3 and FI/me = 1/3. We then told them each that they could have 3 couples each to invite. This totaled about 12 people per family side. My parents are divorced so it was important for them to have a nice system of support around them too which FI and I were happy to include.

I think if you tell them an amount that they can invite it may work better, but I agree that you may want to think about paying more in for the big day. That way you won't feel as though you owe anything. I agree with Witty that it's YOUR DAY. It's no one elses.

SSaltzman87

I completely understand you wanting to invite people that you and FI feel close to and being uneasy about inviting extended family and your parents' college friends who you wouldn't know if they fell on your face. FI and I are big on just inviting people who we both know personally.

I'm not too sure about the idea of inviting some people to just the reception. I personally wouldn't be okay with it unless you were in a situation like my aunt and uncle were (they eloped in Ukraine and didn't tell anyone, then when they got back to the states my grandparents hosted a reception). I'd go with just setting boundaries with your parents, plus saving up some more money to cover more of the expenses so at least you'd have some more financial power.

shainabiron

While not everyone might agree, FI and I are having a smaller ceremony and a larger reception as well.  We wanted the ceremony to be more intimate and to include are close friends and immediate family, but still wanted to celebrate with other friends, closer co-workers, and extended family members.  We haven't heard anything negative from the people we've invited to the reception only.  Everyone seems to be very understanding, but that could vary depending on your group  of friends.  We are footing the bill though, so there haven't been any questions from either set of parents.

musicalsunlight

From an etiquette standpoint, it is not polite to do this. Unless it is something like Witty's situation where there were truly VERY few people at the ceremony. Generally considered 20 or less. Of course, you can do whatever you want, but it doesn't mean some feelings won't be hurt or people may decline the invite if they realize they only are invited to the reception. As a guest, I wouldn't go to only a reception because I would be disappointed in not being able to see the ceremony.

emilykathleen511

The only way I would see it as even somewhat acceptable is if you had a VERY small private ceremony with under 20 people, then had a large reception. It's still not my favorite idea, but that would make it much more acceptable IMO.

What I think you should do is have the wedding that you and your fiance can afford on your own without your parents' help. Then you can have the wedding you want without their input.

tpender13

Ditto PPs -- you really should invite everybody to both the ceremony and reception, unless your ceremony is teeny tiny.

Money usually = strings, so if you don't want to invite everyone that your parents want, then you need to pay for it yourself.

JKcarlen

*Usually* not as many people come to the cermony as to the reception... depending on how close in proximity they are. 

For example, our ceremony & reception are 35 minutes apart... so I anticipate not every single guest that is coming to the reception will come to the ceremony.

I think you should do whatever you want to do... worse comes to worse, people have to really cram into the church or set up extra chairs in the back.

emilykathleen511

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_minnesota-minneapolis-st-paul_guest-list-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:81Discussion:21d474bd-09be-45e7-a90f-800cdfaef5d4Post:418daea1-49be-4895-9ccc-6967fe2081bf">Re: Guest List...</a>:
[QUOTE]That all makes sense about the wedding and reception good advice! I think I will keep it as both ceremony and reception, because every has large families and the smallest we could get it with only close family and no friends would be over 100! As for guest list we are spreading it just about 3 ways. My parents, Fi's parents, and Fi & I. My biggest issue with it is my parents offered the money right away, btu I did not know there would be such an issue of it also being their party. My dad has even said "Well I want people I know there because I won't know anyone than family. This is our party too." Which I know some people will think of as bridezilla of me, but I do not think a wedding should be like a graduation party from high school. I do not have time during my day to spend time to talking to as many as 350 guest especially to people I haven't seen in 5+ years because frankly I don't recognize them and they will know me because I'm the one in the dress. And if I knew money woudl be the driving factor in with what they get to do. I would not have had them put forward money and rather just have the FI and I pay for it and them put in a much smaller share. I just want stress free!
Posted by Dahlke&Kissell[/QUOTE]

I would return the money they already gave you.

beka0404

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_minnesota-minneapolis-st-paul_guest-list-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:81Discussion:21d474bd-09be-45e7-a90f-800cdfaef5d4Post:418daea1-49be-4895-9ccc-6967fe2081bf">Re: Guest List...</a>:
[QUOTE]My dad has even said "Well I want people I know there because I won't know anyone than family. This is our party too." 
Posted by Dahlke&Kissell[/QUOTE]

<div>To some extent, your father is right. If your parents hold the pursestrings, they also hold the power. But overall, it's not his party and if you're willing to set boundaries and have some uncomfortable conversations, you should be able to appease your parents, yourselves as a couple and your future in-laws. I had one of those conversations during my planning process and I found Miss Manners' etiquette books to be really helpful in how I worded what needed to be said: <a rel="nofollow" href="http://goo.gl/tnQJ3">http://goo.gl/tnQJ3</a></div>