BM etiquette?

Izzygrim

So I'm starting to feel a bit like a selfish bride. I have noticed in several WP posts that knotties are adimant that the WP's only duties are to show up to the ceremony and don't need to help with anything until the moment of the ceremony and not a moment after. I get that. They aren't required to do anything else, but does it make me selfish that I would expect a bit more? Given that they are supposed to be such good friends, I would think it's a valid feeling if a bride is disappointed that a BM won't do anything but show up? Personally I'm involving my BMs in whichever ways they show interest. For some, they really wanted to help with dress shopping, so great! Others will probably rather focus on emotional support (ahem, FMIL drama), which is great. I have some BMs that will be more involved than others, which is fine. I'm just glad they are at least showing interest in the marriage. I'm not one to give them duties by any means, but am I committing a major etiquette faux-pas (sp?) that I would expect a little more interest than just showing up to the ceremony? Is it a valid feeling for these other knotties to be disappointed when their BMs aren't showing any interest in the wedding? Set me straight!

saraterra

From my personal point of view, I would think because usally bridesmaids are close friends/family/etc, they would want to help you out. However, that's not always the case with some. I have one bridesmaid, FI's sister, who lives 5 hours away and doesn't give a crap about anything wedding related, she will just show up. She is really only in the wedding party because she is his sister. I also have one bridesmaid who is currently in London, so obviously I can't ask or expect much of her, yet she still offers to help out in any way she can. I don't expect help from my other two, but always love it when they are willing. I always invite them along on bigger things (trying on my dress for the first time, picking out their dress, addressing STD's, etc) but some times they can't make it because they too have busy schedules. However, they are usually pretty willing, if given enough notice, to help out. Two of them are coming over for an afternoon of wine and addressing envelopes! How fun! I'm not sure if that directly answers your question. I don't think you are wrong for expecting a little more, but just know based on each individual, that's what you may get, and that's what you'd have to live with, because you can't really force them to do anything. Hope that helps, some?

Clare13

I think it all depends on the situation.  You can't be mad if all they want to do is show up at the wedding.  But, I don't think this is the case with most bridesmaids.  I think when it becomes a problem is when a bride wants the bridesmaids to commit to everything and she has certain expectations and demands that the bridesmaids can not live up to.  I think in your situation you are doing fine.  It always makes planning more fun with your friends involved.  Just don't get mad if they can't make or help with something.  HTH 

MesmrEwe

I completely understand where you're coming from and as a person, I completely agree, there are expectations that come along with being asked to be a member of someone's WP besides just showing up in a pre-selected dress.. OTOH..

It's also a hindsight 20/20 thing too...  The problem ultimately comes in that like funerals, weddings also bring out the best AND the worst in people.  Your wedding doesn't mean as much to them as it does to you and you can't control anyone else's behavior or reactions other than your own.  Doesn't help make you feel any better when you just want someone to help you hang 400 lights without griping about it every second of the way (aka making a 20min. project take 2-hours that you DON'T have).  Or someone to just be there with you when you're getting your hair done before the wedding to share a "moment" and they want nothing to do with it.  It's also a low blow when you helped them with doing tons of things during their weddings without complaint and they return the favor by reminding you WHY you were doing all that stuff for them because though not verbalized, they were too lazy to do it themselves... 

I know it doesn't help, but even though it's going to take some $$$ out of your budget, think about the things that you just can't convince people to help you with and just hire someone to do it for you instead of stressing.  It's just not worth losing out on what enjoyment you otherwise would have on your day from people who aren't nearly as interested.  And that REALLY is from Hindsight 20/20 because I missed out on so much of the day because I couldn't convince ANY of our WP to do ANYTHING for us...  Heck, it was hard enough to talk the PRIEST into doing the BLESSING...  It'll all work out, just do what you need to in order to cut down on some of the stress you're going through because of others disinterest.