rehearsal dinner question/vent (long)

Izzygrim

My FMIL is hosting the rehearsal/groom's dinner and has enlisted my FSIL to help plan. Everything I hear about the RD is through my FSIL because my FMIL isn't talking to me at all about it.

Our rehearsal is a Thursday night because our venue has ceremonies on Friday night.  We will have people coming from out of town Thursday so that they can make the rehearsal. It's at 6pm on Thursday, so even the in-town people are going out of their way to make it.

My FMIL knows the rehearsal is Thursday night but she wants to have the RD on Friday night instead. My FMIL has, ummm, strong opinions and is controlling, so I'm doing my best to stay out of it. It's her thing, and since she is being nice enough to host it, I'm not butting in. I hear from my FSIL that my FMIL is upset that she isn't able to control more of the wedding, so FSIL says this is FMIL's one thing to control, so she is going to do it as she wishes. Fine, she's hosting, so that's ok.

I have a few concerns though. First of all, since she is wanting the RD Friday instead of after the rehearsal on Thursday, I really want to provide dinner for everyone at the rehearsal since they are all going out of their way to be there and I really appreciate it. In a way, that means we're almost having 2 RDs, one funded by us after the rehearsal and one funded by her the next night. I feel strongly about providing dinner for everyone after the rehearsal, so I'm ok with funding it ourselves, but it seems a little goofy to have 2 RDs.

I thought I could maybe suggest doing the RD Thursday instead of Friday, but again she hasn't asked me any of our preferences and FI and FSIL have told me rather bluntly that it's best I stay out of it. FSIL mentioned multiple times that this FMIL's "thing" so I'm starting to see that the RD is more about her than our wedding. That's just her - even FSIL comments about how incredibly controlling FMIL is.

Which brings me to my other concern. I'm afraid she is going to have the RD be so fancy so that she looks good that it's going to be 'fancier' than our actual wedding. She's talking about hosting it at places where the per plate cost of the RD would be higher than for the wedding. FI and I are not 'fancy' people and would honestly prefer something more low-key and casual and comfortable. Again, she's hosting, so it's up to her. But I'd be lying if I didn't admit that it irks me that she is trying to host a RD to make herself shine. Is that bridezilla-like of me?

Sorry I know this post is way longer than it needs to be. I ramble
I guess my questions are
1 - How do I handle the 2 RD thing, and
 2 - How do I get over the fact that she is making the RD about her and what she wants?? I know she is hosting it so it's her thing, but since it has to do with our wedding, I would think our opinions would matter at least a little!

Honest opinions and any advice is appreciated!

ETA: And I know this seems like such a small thing, but she is like this with SO many things in life that I really need to start figuring out how to deal!

cswaldon

I think this is a place where your FI really should represent the voice of you two as a couple and discuss it with his mother. As brides, so much falls on our shoulders to handle (which, of course, we sometimes bring on ourselves) but I do think that if your FMIL isn't responsive to YOU, then your FI should step in and discuss things with his mother. 

NuggetBrain

Your FI needs to step up and have a chat with his mom.  It's fine to be excited about planning portions of the wedding and wanting to have input, but not communicating with you guys where the RD is and pretty much taking it over is kind of crossing the line a little to me. 

beka0404

Background: My FMIL also has strong opinions. I enjoy her, but it tests my patience at times. So I commiserate. When my fiance's brother got married my future in-laws went all-out and had a super fancy RD, just like your FMIL is planning. I believe the RD was more per person than the wedding, so similar circumstances to yours.

You might need to just let your FMIL do as she wishes with the RD. The nice thing about her throwing her own party is that you can do whatever you'd like on Thursday night - you can have something low-key and casual. It sounds like you're afraid that Friday's dinner will be ostentatious, but I don't think there's a way to stop a diva FMIL. A diva will wrestle the spotlight even if she's hosting a BBQ. (Meaning, it sounds like she's on a mission to MAKE HER PRESENCE KNOWN gaaaaaaah!) 

In all honesty, I'm not that stoked about the direction my FMIL is taking our RD, but I'm trying to let it go. I know there will be battles in the future (um, she has some strong opinions on how we should parent her future grandchildren) and my fiance and I are trying to "pick our battles".

As for your fiance saying "let her do her thing", I know how frustrating that can be. My FMIL nags me about my weight and it has taken me years to finally understand why my fiance says "that's just the way she is". I used to feel like he was kowtowing to his mom, and I worried that she'd run our lives eventually. But now I get it. Last weekend she told me I need botox and I was all "whatever, lady". It is SUPER stressful when a future in-law goes nuts like your FMIL is doing.

On the bright side... three parties celebrating your marriage! That's pretty rad.

leggwilliams

I agree with beka. The situation is sucky but it is what it is. It sounds like your FI isn't going to be willing to talk to your FMIL and you're only going to cause more drama and put a tift in your relationship with her if you make it a big thing. It's really lame that she's more concerned with what she wants and making herself look good then about how her son and FDIL want, but what can you do? I say go ahead and plan your own fun, laid back pseudo rehearsal dinner on Thursday and let her do her own thing. Is it really worth the fight? Probably not becaue it doesn't sound like your FMIL is the type to really take into account how others are feeling.

Izzygrim

Thanks for the advice, ladies!
I was thinking negatively about basically having 2 RDs, but I feel much better about it now. In fact, I'm kind of excited about having one of the "RDs" be exactly the way we want, more low-key and casual. That way we get our chance to really hang out with our WP and family in a more relaxed, comfortable way, and she gets her party. Thanks for helping me see the brighter side
FI and I had a heart-to-heart and he reassured me that he will stand up for me as needed. I know that will be hard for him, especially since he has learned to tune her out, so he may not notice the issues like I do.

You guys are right, I really need to learn to pick my battles and to start seeing the brighter side of the battles I chose not to fight.

beka - Yeah, definitely sounds like we have similar FMILs! My FMIL nags my FI about his weight, but luckily hasn't had the nerve to say anything to me about mine yet. I can't believe your FMIL said you needed botox! OMG.
Maybe someday we will see each other on the Nest or Bump venting about the strong opinions our MILs have about parenting their grandchildren  I KNOW I need to learn to pick my battles and also stand up to her before the day we have children. Yikes.

NuggetBrain

Think of it this way - she sounds like the type to make sure and take credit for her RD and will want everybody to know it was her idea and her plan, so people will probably recognize the attention whoredom when they see it and it will reflect poorly on her, not you.

Also Beka, you are a much better person than me because if my FMIL constantly commented on my weight or told me I needed Botox I would probably say something that would end all chances of me being accepted into the family.

Clare13

I can't imagine anything better than being able to provide two meals/parties for your guests before the wedding!!!  What a great way to thank your wedding party and out of town guests for being a part of your big day and coming in on Thursday.  I think it sounds like a great plan.  I say, let FMIL have her party.  Enjoy it.  My guess is your guests will appreciate having both dinners taken care of when they are in town.  Plus you get to spend more time with the people who are close to you. 

MesmrEwe

I like the idea of having some sort of food for your WP at the rehearsal because it is during meal time...  If anything else, just order in pizza or subs for this so it doesn't come off as having two RD's...  Or go bowling/skating after the rehearsal just to do something fun together as a group to help get people to know eachother better (take the angle with the IL's as a teambuilding thing and not an RD per sae)...  The other thing to remember is that there may be more people at the actual RD than just your WP.  Just something to consider.

I also agree with the others in that this is a "blood talks to blood" issue that you're going to have to figure out a way to deal with because it's not just going to be this but other events in your life ahead (baby showers, etc.)...