Changing names...or not?

ellybelly4

So right now I am in somewhat of a dilemma:  I don't want to change my name.

For as long as I can remember, I have never wanted to change my last name when I get married.  For one, I personally don't think it is fair that women are expected to change their last name.  I know that women have been doing this forever and it's part of our culture to do so, but I still am not crazy about it.   Plus I really like my last name.  I don't want to hyphenate it either because it sounds ridiculous (Momsen-Johnson, yeah, not cool!).  Finally, I just graduated from grad school and earned a doctorate in my name and would like to keep it that way.  My fiance said he would prefer if I changed my name, but he is also somewhat understanding if I decide not to.  But I can tell he deep down wishes I'd become a Johnson.  And I even asked him if he was willing to change his last name to mine, and he laughed....so I take that as a "hell no!"   So....what do you girls think?  Am I being unreasonable in not wanting to change it?? 

Elisa

King29

I am not changing my name either, I work for the military so changing my name would mean changing my entire identity.  My fiance felt the same way, he was understanding but would obviously prefer I change my name.  Do whatever feels right for you!

Liberty27

I have an attachment to my last name as well.  I am compromising by adding my last name as a second middle name and then taking my FI's last name.  Just another idea...

Steph0871

Yup!  Doing teh same as Taryn... I really like my las name and it's unique. Anyone with my last name, I can honestly figure out how I'm related to them. ha

FI's last name is Williams... not quite so unique   I'm going to keep my last name as my middle name.  However, I'm only 24.  If I was further in my career or had earned a graduate degree (CONGRATS! by the way), I'd probably not change my name.

Are you planning on having kids? Does that factor into it at all? My mom is remarried, so she no longer has the same last name as my siblings and I.  They dont' care, but it causes issues and school and stuff sometimes (they're much younger- like 11 years old.)

wittyschaffy

I'll preface this.  I did take my husband's name.  I didn't feel strongly about my maiden name and I am not one of the people in the world who feels that my name is somehow part of my personality.  I understand that some people do, but I'm not one of them.  Hyphenating was out of the question since my maiden name is 11 letters long and my new name is 10.  I'd be signing reciepts for a decade! 

Couple thoughts - do you want to have kids and does it matter to you that you'll have some confusion with you and DH not having the same name?

Would you consider professionally going by your maiden name but legally by your husbands?  I think a lot of folks do that (my sister is a doctor and I would expect that to be the same type of situation - PITA to change professionally once she's established). 

Changing your name is a totally personal choice.  If you don't want to -then don't! 

drdifabio

I also feel attached to my name. My FI and I talked alot about it and we both decided that it would be unfair for me to take his or for him to take him but didnt really want to hyphenate. Then we had an epiphany and decided to combine both of our names into a new last name and couldnt be happier about it. The combine perfectly - both have 7 letters and both have the middle letter (the 4th letter) as an "a" so we are taking the first three letters of his, then the "a," and the last three of mine. It sounds really cool together too. We love it and it is 100% the two of us.

dc*prep

Woot! I'm keeping my name, and I couldn't imagine it any other way!

At first, I think it was kind of weird for FI to think about me not automatically taking his name (because that's the status quo), but he understands that I've built a professional reputation for myself, and my name also reflects who I am.

And FI knows that I'm a feminist. Plain and simple, I don't understand why the woman automatically takes the husband's last name and completely ditches her own identity, while the husband doesn't change a damn thing. Hmpf.

And as far as the children, I have no problem with them having his last name. (I think it would be a pain for children to have hyphenated last names.) Does it bother me that our children will have a different last name than me? Absolutely NOT. I have a 4-year-old daughter whom I placed for adoption (open adoption) with a wonderful family when she was born. She has a different last name than me, and I'm not even her "real" parent, but I can tell you that I love that child more than you could even begin to imagine, and she will always know that I'm her birthmother.

TriSaratops10

  I am still undecided   I like my last name, but am not overly attached to it either, FI's last name is definitely more unique (but not too unique, haha) and I like it too. He is a doc as will I be in 3 weeks, so we'd both be "Dr. L" - not sure about that.

  My parents are both docs and my mom does what wittyschaffy said - goes by Dr. P professionaly and by Mrs. M socially (but her legal name is Dr. P since your professional name has to be your legal name for licensing purposes).  It never really caused problems growing up (but does now for invites, haha) and I'm proud of my mom for what she did (first in her fam to go to college let alone become a doc, was one of 4 women in med school).  But for me its totally different, my med school class is 2/3s women, not setting any precedent with my degree in my fam....so in short....I don't know yet

  I think in the end you have to do what (a) feels right to you (b) have a long talk with FI about it - bring up the suggestions that drdifabio (neat idea!) & others have made (c) "sleep on it" for a bit longer - I just saw that you are getting married on 5/30 - so not too much longer I guess (CONGRATS!).

On a side note...tell us more about your wedding!  I am post-call today so I need/want wedding "porn"

newlyseliski

I'll be changing my name... but I was recently in a wedding where both the groom and bride took the bride's last name!  Both are very traditional Catholics like me, but talked with their priest and found that taking the last name of the husband is a common tradition with little theological basis.  I think they opted for the bride's last name over the groom's because it was... a little less weird, perhaps   I'm opting for the change as an outward manifestation of the "two become one" thing.  It will be a hassle of a process and I do like my current last name, but the change is important to me.

The cultural differences in family name are fascinating, too!    In most Spanish-speaking countries, it is common to take both surnames, for instance.  Patronymic is historically the most common, which is probably why it is the standard! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_name

dc*prep

What a coincidence... I was just catching up on some blogs, and I came across this post: http://www.salon.com/life/broadsheet/2010/04/14/women_last_name

Though I should mention that I don't think it's fair to paint everyone with the same brush. I understand why some women change their last names. I think every woman needs to make that decision for herself.

shudak1

I finally decided after much deliberation to keep my name and add his to the end.  so i will be shannon middle last his.

beka0404

You are not being unreasonable AT ALL. Earning a doctorate degree is a big flippin' deal, and you should not have to give up your reputation. 

My favorite professor/mentor goes by her (hilariously long and Greek) maiden name legally and professionally. Her children and husband have her husband's last name, and she uses it on a social basis. She said that setup works great for her and her family. 

I say do whatever works for you. Like dcprep, I'm a feminist, and I agree that marrying and giving up one's name/identity is not mandatory.

MN_Jen

I'm not legally changing my name.  I'll be perfectly happy to be called Jenni Rastall (his last name), but officially I'm keeping my lname.

ellybelly4

You all have been really helpful!!  I have never heard of keeping your last name as a middle name and taking on his.  That's a new one for me!  It's nice to get people's unbiased opinions too-it's good to know that I am not being unreasonable!

As for kids, I totally don't mind if they take on his, and it's not like I will cringe every time someone calls me "Mrs. Johnson" in social situations.  But like I said, I love my last name and am not too crazy about changing it.  So at this point I will most likely not change it (still need to talk to the fiance).  I will let you all know how that goes!  Thanks!

Elisa