Untraditional and quirky or tacky?!?

tiffanymilana

Hi All!  I'm new to the board and in need of advice.  My FI and I are eloping in July.    So now we want to have a wedding that is very "us" and untraditional and doesn't cost much (as we want to start a family).  Our plan is to have what we have coined a "Nuptial BBQ" on a Sunday afternoon.  We do NOT want gifts, but everyone wants a wedding celebration.  We may even do a mini ceremony to appease some people (but will legally elope ahead of time).  Our plan is to have the BBQ at a large picnic shelter (working on booking it) in a park.  We will provide beer (it is allowed), pop, water and hamburgers and hot dogs with buns and condiments.  My questions:
1)  Is it okay to ask that people bring a side dish to share IN LIEU of a gift?  Would sending a little recipe card to share their recipe make this any more palatable?
2)  How do we split up who is bringing what?  Should we do alphabetical or relation to bride/groom?
3)  Is there anything else we can do to really make sure people do not bring gifts?
4)  It was suggested that we ask people to bring their own food to grill, is that pushing it?
5)  We plan on having volleyball, bocce ball, jarts, ladderball, ect... Any other suggestions?
Sorry this is SO long!  I truly appreciate any and all suggestions.  This is uncharted territory for us, and we really want it to be fun and laid back.  Again, thank you thank you thank you!!!

maybe984

So... here's how I look at it...

If this were just a regular family get-together, having a potluck would be fine... but the second you put the word wedding or 'nuptial' next to it... it gets, well, really tacky.

Honestly, I don't know how buying a few lbs of pasta and potato salad is going to put off your goal of starting a family.

Some families WILL be more okay with this than others. My mom comes from a large, southern baptist family where it's pretty standard for my cousins to have potluck brunches in the church hall in lieu of wedding receptions. However, if I were invited to something like this, I honestly might pass on it entirely.

Also, I don't know why, but I actually think it's rude to INSIST on not receiving gifts. If someone wants to get you something, they want to get you something. Just spread the word that gifts aren't necessary and let the rest fall where it may.

Sorry if I sound harsh. Perhaps I'm just not a morning person.

MAYA3300

The idea of a bbq seems untraditional but I think it will be fine.  I don't know about the potluck aspect of it.  If it's immediate family and close friends, then by all means.  However if you're inviting extended family members, friends, coworkers, and etc. then it would be strange to request them to bring food to grill or dishes to share. 

If it were me, I'd supply all the food.  Or hire a caterer that does bbq on a large scale.   You're already saving alot of money by having a bbq reception instead of a traditional reception.  Also you wouldn't have to think about who's bring what, what if so and so doesn't show with the dish, and so on.

As for the "no gifts", I think it's fine to have that request on your wedding website, pass around word of mouth, and etc.  If someone wants to give you a gift then just graciously accept the gift and then secure it away. 

Steph0871

Incredibly rude and tacky.  If you want a big wedding party/celebration, don't elope.

If you want to have a big pot-luck stye BBQ, don't associate it with your wedding.

FutureMrsSheeler

I agree with the others.. I would supply the food. And there isn't much more you can do to keep guests from giving you gifts.

MrsBassPlaya

1)  Is it okay to ask that people bring a side dish to share IN LIEU of a gift?  Would sending a little recipe card to share their recipe make this any more palatable?

No.  I was at a wedding this summer in which they asked everyone to bring snack or dessert, and I couldn't believe they were asking me to do this.  I still went to the wedding, but they also ended up not having forks or plates.  It was the tackiest wedding I've been to, and a little insulting that we had to supply our own food.

With that being said, I have been to my fair share of potlucks and family gatherings in which I have had to bring dishes.  I love a good potluck.  I don't believe it's appropriate for a wedding, though.

2)  How do we split up who is bringing what?  Should we do alphabetical or relation to bride/groom?
Just don't.

3)  Is there anything else we can do to really make sure people do not bring gifts?
Why are you so anti gifts?  I love gifts, and if you're looking to start a familiy, not having to spend money on matching dishes or a nice set of pots and pans would be helpful.  But if you really don't want them, spread it by word of mouth.  If someone gets you one, don't even react negatively.  Just thank them and send a thank you card.

4)  It was suggested that we ask people to bring their own food to grill, is that pushing it?
Yes

5)  We plan on having volleyball, bocce ball, jarts, ladderball, ect... Any other suggestions?
This sounds like a ton of fun!  I love the idea of a backyard bbq reception.  Having the games and such at the reception could be a blast.  I would just recommend supplying the food for the party.

SSaltzman87

I too agree that having a potluck-style reception is tacky and rude.  I think it also cheapens the event a little bit. There are caterers out there who specialize in barbecue (Brasa, Dickey's Barbecue Pit, Famous Dave's etc.) and as the hosts, you guys should be the ones providing the food. You're already saving a ton of money by going the BBQ route as it is.

Your guests aren't the ones hosting it, so it doesn't make sense for them to essentially provide a good chunk of the stuff necessary to make it successful, they should just be able to show up and have an awesome time.

I wouldn't be anti-gift either. You need A LOT of stuff if you're wanting to start a family! If people want to get you gifts, let them. I agree that it's kind of rude to insist you don't want gifts.

brink131

I agree with pps. It's tacky to ask people to bring food to a wedding celebration, no matter what you might call it otherwise. I don't see any problem with a low-key BBQ complete with games - that sounds like it would be a lot of fun - but you can't ask people to bring food. Like Maybe said, a few pounds of pasta and potato salad from the grocery store is not going to set you back enough to prevent you from starting a family. And if it is, then you shouldn't be hosting a wedding party at all.

As for not wanting gifts, go ahead and spread the word by mouth, but don't be surprised if people get you things. People truly WANT to get you stuff to help you out in your new married life. There's nothing wrong with this and you should be grateful for any gifts you receive. It would be incredibly rude to insist that people absolutely not bring you anything. Many people would be offended.

TaffetaDarlingTaffeta

In the minority here: I’ve been to some awesome potluck weddings and I think it depends on you and your crowd of friends and family.

Our wedding ceremony  is in a park and we’re doing a BBQ buffet reception.  Although a different scenario than you;  I am not exactly doing a “potluck” but we are self catering. I have a few friends and family who asked to contribute by making food for the reception. Maybe you have a similar support system around you?  

I think your overall concept of having a post Nuptial BBQ is fun.  I’ve been to post wedding BBQ celebrations with friends who had a destination wedding, a very intimate ceremony or even eloped.  I didn't  see any rudeness in inviting people to have a good time in honor of something. Why not?
 
It’s not a wedding per say at this point.  Personally, I’d skip doing any mini ceremony- I am reading this as a recreation of a ceremony. I guess I’d suggest a nice speech/toast or something a little different if you wanted, but you already had your ceremony, so to me it doesn't make sense. I guess when you invite people just be really clear about what it is, ( ie. not a wedding) As for gifts, I just wouldn't say anything about them. Anyway, my pocket change opinion for you.

musicalsunlight

If you want the BBQ to be associated with a reception for your wedding, please host the food. Otherwise, yes it is "tacky" (though I hate that term).

emilykathleen511

You can either just ask family members if they would all like to get together for a family reunion type BBQ where everyone brings a dish to pass and you keep your wedding completely out of it and don't indicate that you would be the hosts of this event (everyone would be a co-hosts in this case)

OR

it can be a celebration of your marriage where you provide all the refreshments. The second you send invitations indicating that you are hosting an event, you need to provide all the refreshments. It doesn't matter whether or not it is related to your wedding, if you are hosting, you provide the refreshment.

As for gifts, it is rude to dictate how or when a guest should or shouldn't give a gift or to mention gifts at all when inviting guests to an event you are hosting. This is why you should not include registry info in an invite and why you should also not include "No gifts, please" on an invitation, and you should especially not say "No gifts, but I am a terrible host, so please bring refreshments for my other guests" (not that you would word it this way, but that is how it would come across).

If you truly do not want gifts, spread the information by word of mouth. If someone asks you, your fiance, your parents, or your siblings what you want, then say, "They would prefer if guests did not bring gifts." If anyone goes against these wishes and brings a gift anyway, accept it graciously, send a thank you note, and either keep it or donate it to someone who will use it.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

kgettingmarried

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_minnesota-minneapolis-st-paul_untraditional-quirky-tacky?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:81Discussion:759ce868-8836-4e20-83df-5c73a7add14cPost:1f0dbba1-94fe-4c80-a9ab-bc914bac8e0c">Re: Untraditional and quirky or tacky?!?</a>:
[QUOTE]Incredibly rude and tacky.  If you want a big wedding party/celebration, don't elope. If you want to have a big pot-luck stye BBQ, don't associate it with your wedding.
Posted by Steph0871[/QUOTE]

Word.  FI and I are eloping in September and then we're going to have a party at our house to celebrate the fact that we bought a house (we're house hunting now so cross my fingers it happens by then).

But it won't be wedding related at all, except for us announcing that we eloped to our family.  They aren't expecting us to do that so we wanted to announce it but since they aren't expecting it there won't be any gifts.  I'd keep it to celebrating something else if you don't want to receive gifts.  Make the focus something different.

Or just wait until your first baby shower to have a party!  I am going to go nuts for my next baby shower.  It'll be FI's first baby so his family will be really excited. 

SuperRNluvsChef

IMHO, if you're associating this event with your marriage then you should provide all food and drinks for your guests. 

Cackle6

While I agree that asking for people to bring food is a little tacky, I don't see any issue having a celebration party after your elopement. My brother and his FI are getting married in Ireland in June, and having a blessing ceremony and hors d'oureves reception back in MN in July for family and friends. I don't see anything wrong with this at all. However as PP stated, you do need to provide the food if you are hosting.

EmilyCMN

There are places that have lower catering prices. For something casual I was looking at Divine Swine before and you could get a picinic/pig roast for really good prices. I would look around before decideing to do a pot luck.

EmilyW416

I think the BBQ is fine but supply your own food. Its not a family reuion or something. Its a wedding, so supply your own food.

meg11+11+11

My thought:

Look at the startrib article: http://www.startribune.com/business/yourmoney/121096229.html (I would totally do this cake thing if I didn't have to pay a cake cutting fee....)

Pass the word of gifts aren't necessary, the gift of their presence is honestly all that is requested, not all of us people out there are materialistic.... We are not spending thousands on a wedding so I can get "stuff" back, but because I want to party and celebrate with people I know, whether you spend $700 or $15,000 that sentiment should be the same regardless of the tag on it, but gifts are nice, and some people will feel awkward about not bringing one.  There is just as much in receiving a gift and giving one.  When you say, not necessary, and they insist or ask, or you could offer, "but we know some will be adamant to give and the best gift would be contributing a part of themselves, a recipe for the BBQ to share"...  So, allow guests to register to bring cake or dish and make cute tags that say who gave that "gift".  So say, spread the word, not necessary, but still register for some little things, such as thank you cards at Target that will be sent back to the guests, a new spatula (little stuff), some hand towels, because people will give you gifts regardless and if they ask (oh, yeah at Target, but all we want is your presence, or why don't you make a your fantastic upside down cake?, etc...) and you don't want to be rude and refuse that people want to give you stuff and celebrate,, people feel good about giving and having a part, but then allow some to give the gift of food/recipe (covers the bases of you not having to prepare it all) and covers the base for those other creative types who would love to share that part about themselves.  I think that would work.... I'm rambling some....

As long as you are truly gracious, gentle, giving and honest, people will know the difference.

Keep the invites informal and people will know.  Word it it as "The gift of your presence is requested to celebrate, in good 'ole MN BBQ style, the beginnings of our wedded life" (I don't know if that is the greatest, but some sort of nice welcome, emphasize "celebrate" not wedding, and casual).  Maybe something instead of "black tie" you could right "Black Sneakers" or "Shorts Recommended"

But I'd make sure I have enough forks, plates, etc. You are providing beers, etc.  With people registering for food instead of a gift, you know exactly what you should cover... You are the only one who knows your friends and family.  If people are offended at you, well, how much does that matter to you/how good of friends are they really?  If people know you and your personality, they would realize to each their own and not to judge as it sucks to be judged in return.