sticky subject

honeybear25

Hi!
Just wanted to get some insight on a question posed to me a couple days ago and how I should handle it.  We are getting married in Novemeber and one fo my guests husbands will be out of town for deer hunting opener in wisconsin the weekend of our wedding.  NO big deal I know not everyone can make it.  His wife asked me if she could bring her best friend instead as her guest.  I would normally say of course no problem as I was counting on their number to be two anyways BUT the best friend and I do not get along at all.  She has a very critical judgemental personality type and I am upbeat positive polly when it comes to lifes tough stuff.  We run in the same circles so I see her at parties ect and always play nice but she just rubs me the wrong way and I wouldn't seek her out to hang or shop or anything.  My friend who asked me to bring her knows shes not invited because apparently the friend made a big deal out of it to her I was told and so I don't really know what to say.  I do not want to share my special day with someone I know won't appreciate it for what it is but I don't want my other friend to feel like she's picking sides.  I would like a graceful way to say no if possible.  Weddings can be so political it seems! Thanks so much!

beka0404

I would normally say "you'll hardly see her, it will be fine" but since she's already been vocal about not being invited on her own, it sounds like there is potential for an uncomfortable situation. Could you ask Nice Friend -  due to the fact that Abrasive Friend wasn't included on the guest list and has been vocal about said exclusion - if she could choose a different friend to bring as her "date"? If Nice Friend has already asked Abrasive Friend, then it's a whole lot stickier - but ultimately Nice Friend's fault for asking w/o permission.

And weddings are MUY MUY political. Agreed.

wittyschaffy

As tough as it is to stomach sometimes, you don't get to decide who someone considers an appropriate "guest".  I had something very similar happen at my wedding - twice!  I invited a college friend of mine "and guest" and she decided to bring her Mom.  I like her Mom and all but it wasn't really the intent.  I also had one of DH's friends find out that her husband couldn't get off work so she wanted to bring a friend instead.  I don't particularly care for said friend, but as I said before, not my call.

I personally wouldn't ever put a bride in this situation - I think it is rude and tacky on the part of the guest - but as we've all experienced, a lot of our guests just don't get etiquette.  (late RSVPers, people who assume their children are invited despite invites being addressed to parents only, making unreasonable requests of the hosts, etc.) Did you invite the friend, no you didn't.  If you had your choice, would she come - nope.  But I personally think you need to be the bigger person and just suck it up and say fine.  I know that you probably won't believe me but you will probably never notice her unless you seek her out.  There are so many other things going on!

chou_chou

I might be in the minority, but: If the invite was addressed specifically to Nice Friend & Nice Friend's Hubby only (not Nice Friend & Guest) then I think you have an "out" to say no she cannot bring Nasty Person with.  Nice Friend gave you the opportunity to say no by asking, so if this other person bothers you that much I would take the chance and tell her sorry, but no. 
That's my 2 cents, it's tough either way that's for sure! 
(and yes, weddings are all about politics....they bring out the best in most people but the absolute worst in some, speaking from experience at our own wedding!)

ef7310

I'm with Chou_Chou on this one. Married couples are a single social unit, and as such hey get invited together to weddings. They don't get to swap in some other person just because one of them is busy. You made a conscious decision to not invite Nasty Person. Nice Friend should hopefully understand that. Does Nice Friend have others that she knows at the wedding? Or will she be totally alone without her hubby? If that's the case, then I might consider it just so that she'll have someone to talk to.

[Deleted User]

Are there going to be other people there that she knows?  If so then I would say it's fine to be honest with her and tell her you don't really care for that person - it's not like she wont have anyone else to talk to.  BUT if she's not going to know anybody else she might be worried about sitting there by herself all night and feels like she needs to have someone with her, and perhaps this person is the best she could come up with.  KWIM?

Veittobe

Does your friend know that you do not particularly enjoy "nasty friend's" company?  Maybe you could talk with her and ask her if she thinks its to a point where you need to say ok to her coming to the wedding.  But I think you should let your friend know why you don't want "nasty friend" to be there so atleast minimally, if "nasty friend' does end up coming as her date, she needs to be responsible for reigning "nasty friend" in.  If it ends up that you feel stuck allowing her to come, I would do your best to say a quick hello, nice to see you, and then avoid her the rest of the night. 

I Want Cake

I'd definitely ask her not to bring "nasty friend."  Ultimately, it's your day and you've invited the people you want to surround yourself with.  It's already been made perfectly clear that you don't want "nasty friend" to be there, whether on her own invitation or as someone's plus one.  If it were me, I wouldn't invite someone (at least that I'm not related to) that I didn't want to see, so I don't think it'd be rude to ask your friend not to bring her.  I know PPs have said that it's ultimately your friend's decision and the polite thing to do is leave it up to her, but remember that she's a guest at the party, not the one throwing it.

leggwilliams

Are you giving all your guests a plus one, or just people that are married/engaged/in serious relationship? If everyone is allowed to bring someone, I'd say that you don't really get much choice in who she brings. If it was only intended to include the husband then you have every right to explain that to Nice Friend.

honeybear25

Thanks everyone!  Yes the nice friend knows plenty of others as most of us used to work together at a preschool and have remained friends even though only one of us is still there.  I am  not giving everyone a plus one it was just her and her husband.  She does know we don't get along and I think is maybe trying to inlcude nast friend because she didn't get invited and doesn't want to hear nasty complain.  So I am going to take your advice and explain that nasty isn't really part of what I pictured my day to be and would appreciate it if she didn't ask her to come.  I won't say this of course but obviously I didn't invite her for a reason whether it be monetary or just not inlcuded and I felt a bit awkward being asked to bring additional guests.  Hope it works out.