Second Thoughts...

chinofiesta93

We just completed our premarital counseling and I'm freaking out over here.

Not full-on crying, but definitely knots in my stomach.  We don't even live together yet.
Part of me thinks it'll be better when we move in (which is next weekend....) because then we'll have time to do fun stuff. Right now, when we're together, which is only on weekends, we're always nagging about wedding stuff.
Even during the week, I'll admit that I ignore phone calls because I get annoyed talking to him. It's always about wedding stuff, or moving in stuff, or any other thing.

I don't know how to take a step back and just enjoy our relationship.
In the very beginning, it was bliss. Mostly because it was new and fun, but also because it was just him and I. Now that we're more serious -- my son is always around. With my DS around, we are too busy attempting to co-parent and after DS is in bed, FI and I are always discussing DS's bad behavior.

It's not fun, I'm scared of committing to someone that I don't have fun with. It could get better after moving in together and becoming a family unit, doing fun family stuff, or I could just be so annoyed with FI that we just move right back out.

Is this normal? To be so irked with his clingy-ness that I'm craving my independence again? Am I throwing up red flags indicating I secretly do not want to marry him?

FI is the PERFECT man for me. So completely gaga over me, an absolutely wonderful role model for my DS, and prepared to create a future.
But I just can't get over how annoying he can be.. always wanting to touch me, kiss, talk about us, etc. I am NOT a romantic, romance makes me queesy. Even when he proposed, he upped the romance and it was borderline sickening, LOL.

**ANOTHER point that I'm struggling with -- who should I be loyal to? My son, or my husband? Most people that do marriage, then children, most often are most loyal to their husband before their children. I'm struggling with the fact that I did it backwards.

I'm scared, guys. I don't know who to turn to so here I am.

Thanks for letting me vent.

mbatzlaff

This is something you should talk to your FI about. Its ok to tell him that he is smothering you. Even when you move in together you will need alone time and now is the time to start having these talks. He may not know how overwhelmed you feel.

It's not a red flag unless you make it one. Try not to read too hard into the little stuff because you will drive yourself crazy. Talk it over and go from there. Only you will know your limits.

MrsBassPlaya

I would definitely pay attention to how you're feeling.  Things will NOT automatically get better after you move in together.  You need to have a sit down with your FI and tell him that you need some more space in the relationship and maybe create some "time outs" for talking about DS.  Maybe the bedroom is a place where you focus on you two instead of DS or the wedding, especially if all you do is talk about that kind of stuff.

As someone who has been previously engaged, I presonally know what it's like to struggle with these things.  Especially with a FI who is always kissing, touching, etc.  My FI was just like that and it slowly drove me NUTS.  He was and still is a really great guy, and even though we were together for years, getting married would have been the wrong decision for us.

I'm not saying your FI is wrong for you, but just cause a guy is a "perfect" guy doesn't mean he's necessarily perfect for you.  Things that bother you will be amplified when you're living together.  Think about whether or not you can handle or adjust to that or whether he's willing to adjust.  Whatever you do, you need to air out these concerns to your FI.  You can't go into a marriage hiding feelings like that.  If he takes it the wrong way and you two get in a huge fight and end things, that probably would have happened eventually, with maybe more kids involved.

SSaltzman87

I agree that you need to talk to your FI about this and maybe set specific places or times when kid/wedding stuff isn't talked about. It's definitely a balancing act that you two will need to master, and like PPs have said- moving in together won't instantly make things perfect and instances like these are why I'm such an advocate for living together before you're married. It's SO important to have a 'test run' even just to see how you two handle everyday things.

I don't think what you're feeling is a red flag, I think it's really a matter of figuring out a formula that works for you two and your son.

emilykathleen511

I think you definitely need to put all wedding plans on hold! You can always plan a wedding later, but you guys need to work through these issues before you get married. Your problems won't go away just because you get married. 

And to answer your question, your loyalty should be first to your son.

footballwife77

In Response to Re: Second Thoughts...:

How old is the kid, and does he have any kids? Going into a relationship with a child (especially a childless man) is a HUGE hurdle. I left my previous boyfriend of 6 years because him and my child did not get along (not a fan of kids). I would definitely keep your son in mind while trying to find happiness for yourself. Your household will not survive if the relationships within it are not cohabitating peacefully. That is my main concern for you. Try the living situation for a couple months. After everythings moved in and once you have a routine, if it's not functioning then it's not going to work out and you'll have your answer. As for the second thoughts, there seems to be A LOT going on - just breathe. Marriage is SCARY and  the plannnig is STRESSFUL AS HECK! I've told my fiance that it's just not "for us" many many times, but it is. I just gotta sit back BREATHE and focus on what the end result is. which is US commiting to love eachother.

sndietz

It is a red flag that you cannot communicate to him that you are having this issue.  I have a hard time communicating myself sometimes, and it works for me to tell my FI, "Tomorrow after dinner, I would like 20 minutes of your time."  That way I know I will have his undivided attention.  Maybe give that a shot?

misscrafty84

I agree with the other posts, I think if your already feeling like he's around too much then moving in together might not be a smart decision. I'd sit down and talk to him. Tell him that you still want/need time for the 2 of you. Maybe plan date night, even if it's after your DS is in bed, and no wedding talk. Good luck with whatever you do!

chinofiesta93

Thank you all for the great advice.

FI and I talked the other night, and even though I temporarily hurt his feelings by telling him that I don't need him to call 10 times a day, there is improvement.

My DS is 3, so pretty young. FI has been his only daddy-figure and I've been so incredibly thankful that their relationship has bloomed, as our own has.

We're taking it one day at a time and I hope that it continues improving!

Thanks again ladies.

kelly6509

Put her plans on hold!?.. Cheese & rice sometimes the women on this board are dramatic! I think sometimes we forget how difficult it can be to tell someone we love something potentially hurtful!

My 2 cents: I think that prior to proposing, men go through every problem in the relationship, everything they wonder if they can live with for the rest of their lives, every bump/mole/etc... on their then-GF's face- basically, they do what women usually do and over-evauluate everything! I think women tend to do this mid-planning, when everything is in full-tilt and set in motion. If at that point you are teling yourself he's not right, treats you badly or you can't imagine being with him for 5, 20 or even 1 year- then RUN! But, if you look at him and knows that he's the one, but that you're nervous- wait a week and see how you feel then. 

Good luck!

tpender13

OP, it sounds like you're just feeling overwhelmed with everything that's going on right now. Maybe now that you and your FI have talked about it a bit, you should get a sitter and set aside time just for the two of you to have fun. No wedding talk, no kid talk... maybe taking some time to reconnect with him and that little bit of "fresh air" will be all you need to feel better about things.

harr0610

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_minnesota-minneapolis-st-paul_second-thoughts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:81Discussion:9f49c4d3-e757-4954-a836-624cb2316fe1Post:49e6df5d-8732-4d80-88ee-75dee4bb5b98">Re: Second Thoughts...</a>:
[QUOTE]My 2 cents: I think that prior to proposing, men go through every problem in the relationship, everything they wonder if they can live with for the rest of their lives, every bump/mole/etc... on their then-GF's face- basically, they do what women usually do and over-evauluate everything! I think women tend to do this mid-planning, when everything is in full-tilt and set in motion. If at that point you are teling yourself he's not right, treats you badly or you can't imagine being with him for 5, 20 or even 1 year- then RUN! But, if you look at him and knows that he's the one, but that you're nervous- wait a week and see how you feel then.  Good luck!
Posted by kelly6509[/QUOTE]

I think this is really good advice. I think every woman in a long term relationship has moments of doubt (and I'm sure men too!). I've been with FI for 13 years now and I know I have. There's been moments, recently and in the distant past, where I stop and feel completely overwhelemed by it all. Where he gets on my last freaking nerve, where the last thing :I want is to be around him and where he drives me utterly insane. But at the end of the day, it passes and I realize he's the love of my life and this IS what I want, and the good days outnumber the rough ones a hundred to 1.

 I think it's normal to have issues with your partner sometimes. Relationships are hard. Marriages are harder. It takes work, and it's not all roses all the time. Obviously like Kelly said if it's something major, or if it's a constant thing then that's different. However I agree talking was a great first step instead of automatically thinking "I can't do this anymore".

I'm glad you guys talked it out and it seems to be improving. Good luck! :)

flower_lover

Couple of thoughts...first, listen to your instincts. If things do not feel comfortable to you, then by all means put on the brakes. I never had a single second thought after I was engaged, and I disagree that "everybody feels this way". I have been married for almost 4 years, and we are still as happy as the first day we met.

Second, your 3 year old son is your priority. You are all he has in life. Your FI is an adult, and can take care of himself.

Third, it sounds like a good idea to move in together and see how it goes. But also be careful, there was just a news article in the New York Times explaining that people who live together before they get married tend to have poorer married relationships than people who do not. Reason: once people move in together, it is hard to break up and move on. So after he moves in, if you aren't feeling things are moving in the right direction, remember that it will likely be on you to stand up and say it isn't working and you need to split, move apart, or whatever the case may be.

Glad to hear you talked to him, and i hope things continue to go better. Good for you for communicating...that's the key to so much.

iambellaluna

So I'm on wedding number two over here.

Wedding planning the first time around sounds something similar to your expreience and I felt second thoughts then - not saying the reasons are the same, but we didn't live together either. We also did not have kids. I wished from the bottom of my heart that I listened to my gut. BUT I really can't speak for you. I will say that I often told myself or thought, It will get better when ________. (my examples: the wedding's over, when we move in together, when we get a house, when we close on the house, when we get the dog, when the dog gets trained....) 
 
I ended up miserable and depressed just 1.5yrs later married, with a house and a trained dog. Now we've seperated, gotten divorced and both found much better companions for ourselves. I'm not saying we didn't love eachother but we were definitely not right for eachother. Those "milestones" were simply disctractions/added complications that took the focus off of what was really the problem. This takes SO MUCH soul serching and cannot be answered in one day and definitely not answer on a message board. I'd say take a week break from everything and evaluate your relationship.

This time around is 100% different and I truely believe I found the right man. I'm more grown up now (previously got married at 21) and that experience taught me so much about what really matters in a relationship and in marriage.