No mom, no brother, probably no MOH- Vent (long)

Nati05

I haven't talked about this because it's been going back and forth forever and nothing was official yet. It's also embarassing for me to talk about it but I'm so upset I can't hold it in anymore. I just need to get it out!

...... edited

I'm trying to get used to the idea but it's hard. I'm sooo close to my mom. Basically it's looking like nobody better even mention my mother's name on the day of the wedding. I don't even want to remember what her and my brother are doing to one of the most important days of my life. Thanks for letting me vent girls!

MeaganR12

Oh my gosh, Nati, I am SO sorry!!!! That is just awful, what a selfish thing for her and your brother to do. I wish I had some advice for you but I don't. It just sucks. 

Just remember at the end of the day you'll be married and that's what really matters. I'm sure that won't help much, but I'm trying. I'm here if you ever want to vent some more. 

LADY324

I am so sorry Nati that really sucks that your mom is being so difficult.  Hopefully she will come around.  I know it is really important for you to have her there they day of the wedding.  If she doesn't come just try not to let it bring you down.  This is supposed to be such an exciting time in your life. 

Did you tell her that you will be really upset if she doesn't come? 

ceglare4

Oh Nati, I'm so sorry your wedding is all caught up in the middle of the family drama with your mom and brother! I'm very close to my mom too and after I got engaged last February we were arguing over the flower budget, to the point where she wanted nothing to do with helping to plan. It was so upsetting and frustrating because I was #1 mad at her for being so stuck in her ways and #2 really sad that she wanted nothing to do with my wedding. But she did come around and things have been fine since then. Maybe your mom will have a change of heart too? Maybe a cooling off time for both of you would help.

Is there anyone that could act as a go between for you guys and try to smooth things out?

bells24412

I hope your mom comes around Nati and things get resolved! A big hug coming your way!

psuxdoll

First off I cannot imagine what you're going through.  I feel for you so much!  What I write here isn't meant to minimize what is happening to you, only to try to bring some light to it and hopefully help you.

Families are tough.  They do things that aren't right/fair/nice/etc.  Your mom will always be your mom, as willl your brother.  If they cannot be happy for you, then that's extremely selfish of both of them.  As a parent you have to care for each of your children.  It sounds to me like you've got your life together and your brother needs LOTS of extra attention.  This has allowed your mom to worry about him and less about you because your life is much more 'together'.  

Anyone (family, MOH, etc) who cannot make the trip is missing out.  NOBODY should expect you to change your plans simply to fit their needs.  The decision of the wedding and location for it are completely you and FH's.  If your mother does not come (which I'm leaning towards your FMIL's concept that she'll come around) she will regret it for the rest of her life.  She may not admit that, but any parent would be devestated to miss something like this. 

Every family is messed up in one way or another.  So don't feel embarassed.  Your brother's actions do not, in any way, reflect yours.  Your true friends and people who love you most will be present on your big day.  Try really hard to focus on that and try to enjoy yourself.  You don't need anyone who is not in support of the love and commitment you and FH share.  

penny12986

I am sorry to hear that!  All of that sounds really tough and the fact that you can't talk to them face to face must make it even more difficult.  It's so hard when parents don't see how much they affect their kids.

We are all here for you.

mbody

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. You've got a lot on your plate.

If your brother is that untrustworthy, then I can't completely blame her for not wanting to leave him at home while she travels to your wedding. It doesn't seem like she has other options. And since he's only 17, she can't lock him out and up and leave. Is it an option, that they both can come for a day or two rather than staying for an extended amout of time?

Has your mom ever considered talking with a counselor? That could help her see some of these issues with more clarity. She can learn how to better deal with your brother. Also, family counseling (especially b/w your mom and brother) could be extremely beneficial.

Nati05

Thanks to each of you for your words!! And I really mean that!!! I'm sure all of you are right and she just might come around at the last minute. For the time being I'm trying really hard not to let this get me down. Hopefully by the wedding day I'll be even better at it! And Psuxdoll it's not minimizing and I understand exactly what you mean. Thank you!

butterflyjumper1

Nati - I am so sorry you are going through this. I can't even imagine what this is like. I don't have any advice but mbody's counseling idea is a great one - it sounds like your brother needs some help, and like your mom needs help in dealing with him. I hope everything works itself out, but in the meantime, BIG HUG being sent your way!

Nati05

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_no-mom-no-brother-probably-no-moh-vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:fc4ef5ca-ebe4-4092-9adc-ded03b4e0315Post:f09f1e70-f124-4f34-8f50-d61d407809f3">Re: No mom, no brother, probably no MOH- Vent (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sorry you're dealing with this. You've got a lot on your plate.<strong> If your brother is that untrustworthy, then I can't completely blame her for not wanting to leave him at home while she travels to your wedding. It doesn't seem like she has other options. And since he's only 17, she can't lock him out and up and leave.</strong>Is it an option, that they both can come for a day or two rather than staying for an extended amout of time? Has your mom ever considered talking with a counselor? That could help her see some of these issues with more clarity. She can learn how to better deal with your brother. Also, family counseling (especially b/w your mom and brother) could be extremely beneficial.
Posted by mbody[/QUOTE]

Yeah I actually do understand why she feels worried about this. That's why I've been working so hard to find somewhere safe for him to stay. I called him last night and he was able to tell me where he would be staying for those 3 nights. But my mom won't hear about it. Oh well. And no, I've tried seeing if he'll come for the least amount of time. He will absolutely not come. I think he has some other secret plan for that date but he won't speak to anyone about it. It just upsets me she won't draw the line like she's supposed and lay down some rules on him! They've also done counseling before but it doesn't seem to have been very effective. I've suggested they continue but do family counseling as well but my mom is understandably exhausted trying to improve things and isn't making a huge effort anymore. She's basically waiting til he turns 18 this fall so he can move out.

k8888

Hope your mom comes to her senses!  It seems like it's out of your hands at this point, so like PPs said... you marrying your FI is what really counts that day, so try not to let family nonsense ruin it for you. 

mbody

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_no-mom-no-brother-probably-no-moh-vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:fc4ef5ca-ebe4-4092-9adc-ded03b4e0315Post:4491ba23-7f83-442f-a73e-16fcf0e764d9">Re: No mom, no brother, probably no MOH- Vent (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: No mom, no brother, probably no MOH- Vent (long) : Yeah I actually do understand why she feels worried about this. That's why I've been working so hard to find somewhere safe for him to stay. I called him last night and he was able to tell me where he would be staying for those 3 nights. But my mom won't hear about it. Oh well. And no, I've tried seeing if he'll come for the least amount of time. He will absolutely not come. I think he has some other secret plan for that date but he won't speak to anyone about it. It just upsets me she won't draw the line like she's supposed and lay down some rules on him! They've also done counseling before but it doesn't seem to have been very effective. I've suggested they continue but do family counseling as well but my mom is understandably exhausted trying to improve things and isn't making a huge effort anymore. She's basically waiting til he turns 18 this fall so he can move out.
Posted by Nati05[/QUOTE]
I'm sorry to hear the counseling hasn't been too effective. It sounds like she's been pushed to her limit and is just coasting until he turns 18. Does your brother have a plan? job?

It's pretty damn selfish of your brother to just refuse to come to your wedding for no apparent reason and therefore, forcing your mom to also miss out. At this point, I'd probably call him out on that. (<---- Not saying that will help anything, but for some reason, I, persoanlly, would be so irritated, that I'd want to let him know my $.02.)

bridetobe71412

Nati, UGH, I am so sorry! What a pain in the rear end.

I wish I had better advice to give, but since I don't, I'm here too if you ever want to vent!

colleenm18

I wish I had something to say to make this better!  I HATE famly drama!!!

I hope your mom changes her mind and possibly even your brother.  I will keep good knottie vibes coming your way in hopes that things will work out! 

Try not to let this bring you down, I know that is much easier said then done, but still try!

mekiakoo

Oh wow, I'm so sorry, Nati!!! This really, really, really sucks. Your brother sounds like a selfish guy. I really hope things do turn around by the time for the wedding.

I have no advice, I honestly wouldn't know what to do in that situation. Please feel free to vent here and we're all here for you.

Nati05

Thanks everyone for the good vibes and thoughts! It's nice I know I have somewhere else to turn to when things are getting shittty.

Mbody, yeah she really is just coasting at this point. Sometimes it upsets me but at the same time, people can only deal with so much before they give up you know? So I do feel for her in that sense. Actually when I called him last night to find out where he'd be staying if my mom would come for 3 nights, I did call him out. He's stuck so far in his teenage head and world that he doesn't even get it. Much less care. He said "well I wasn't trying to cause problems for everyone else" I just ended up yelling "Well you're doing a really crappy job at it!!!!" before hanging up lol. It's probably best I'm so far away so I don't end up punching him in the face. I'm sure it will take years before he begins to actually understand the consequence of all his ridiculous actions. And that makes me sad to think how many things he'll miss out on before he realizes this. :-\

BmoreBride311

I'm late but I wanted to "ditto" everything above! I hope it works out for you!

And believe me, I have tons of embarassing family drama I haven't posted (I'm sure we all do), but if you ever want to hear it, just send me a PM!

Carla1019

(((HUGS))))

I can't say that I know exactly what you are going through but I can share in your pain regarding family members not coming to the wedding. My mom and dad are not coming to my wedding. If you would like to hear my story you can PM me.

One suggestion I have, can you have a close friend (maybe an older guy) who can not attend your wedding house sit to ease your mom's mind? And rent a cheap hotel room for your brother to stay in while everyone is away?

Nancy00714

Oh, Nati, I'm so sorry! This all sounds horrible. It's really unfortunate that your brother is being so selfish and doesn't realize that he's setting off a whole chain of events. 

I know you've said you've talked to him but keep trying.  Maybe he'll come round. 

hmacsine

Aww *hugs* I hope it works out.

Nati05

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_no-mom-no-brother-probably-no-moh-vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:fc4ef5ca-ebe4-4092-9adc-ded03b4e0315Post:e7a6e539-67bd-4c8c-ba9e-4f22f0652498">Re: No mom, no brother, probably no MOH- Vent (long)</a>:
[QUOTE](((HUGS)))) I can't say that I know exactly what you are going through but I can share in your pain regarding family members not coming to the wedding. My mom and dad are not coming to my wedding. If you would like to hear my story you can PM me. One suggestion I have, can you have a close friend (maybe an older guy) who can not attend your wedding house sit to ease your mom's mind? And rent a cheap hotel room for your brother to stay in while everyone is away?
Posted by Carla1019[/QUOTE]

Thank you! I'm sorry your parents can't make it... I send you hugs as well! My mom has tried this as well and can't find anyone to house sit. Thanks for the suggestion though. We've gone through just about every possibility out there. All there's left to do is wait and see what happens.

michelle11988

Awww Nati I'm so sorry to hear about this .  I know you have been looking forward to seeing your mom and sister during the wedding planning! I hope everything works out in the end, I'm sorry I don't have any better advice other than agreeing with pp's.

ajmom2two

Hugs!  I am so sorry you are having to deal with this!  Trust me, even the families that seem the most normal totally have embarassing family drama.   I feel your pain about your mom not coming.  My mom cant come and it makes me sad every time I think about it, so lots and lots of hugs to you!  As for you brother what a little brat, seriously!  I am a mother and I can tell you right now that I would NOT be putting up with that kind of BS at all!  If either one of my girls tried to pull that they would be in some serious trouble and going to the wedding anyway.  I am pretty strict though & up front with them about what is and is not acceptable behaviour. I also have the most well behaved children according to everyone I know.  Anyhow...good luck to your mom, just bc your brother is almost 18 does not mean things will get any easier for her.  Trust me, I know from personal experience.  Until your mom really puts her foot down your brother will continue to take advantage of her.  My 2 older brothers do this to my mom to this day.  They are 38 & 40 years old!   For whatever reason my mom just keeps letting them use her.  My younger brother and I just dont understand how they turned out so differently than us.  I have completely cut them both out of my life over the last 5 years bc I just dont have time for their drama anymore.  They are NOT invited the wedding.  Anyhow...just know that no matter how your brother behaves it is no reflection on the kind of person you are.  Also, I am so sorry that you MOH seems to have not made a great effort to make sure she could be at your wedding.  That obviously must be very hurtful.  Hugs!!!

Melissa.hylton

As far as your brother goes... HE IS 17 he doesnt get a choice in what he gets to do until he is 18. If he doesnt want to come he can spend the nights in JUV. Nobody should have to babysit him. Your mother sounds like she is enabling his bad behavior and that is why it has gotten tot he point it has. Sorry if I come off blunt but im sure you already see what im saying anyway. Your mother must have more underlying issues than just the wedding. From what I have gathered it seems like its not money, its not your brother and its not the wedding. Its something with you. She is probly feeling like she has lost you to distance and is now going to loose you to marriage. 

littlemoments324

NATI!!!!!!!  *BIG HUGS!!!!!*    Just as Meagan had said, at the end of the day, you marrying FI is all that will matter...yeah you'll want them there, but there is nothing you can do about it. Just remember the purpose of the day & try to move on from it   You knew it could be tough for some people, and shame on them for not taking it more seriously...but YOU'RE getting MARRIED!!

loves!! Let me know if you need anything!!

psuxdoll

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_no-mom-no-brother-probably-no-moh-vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:fc4ef5ca-ebe4-4092-9adc-ded03b4e0315Post:10fea52e-f41a-4ec7-9d36-fb8aa4d06fbd">Re: No mom, no brother, probably no MOH- Vent (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks to each of you for your words!! And I really mean that!!! I'm sure all of you are right and she just might come around at the last minute. For the time being I'm trying really hard not to let this get me down. Hopefully by the wedding day I'll be even better at it! And Psuxdoll it's not minimizing and I understand exactly what you mean. Thank you!
Posted by Nati05[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>This is a great outlook to have.  Try to enjoy yourself!  xoxo</div>