might have a panic attack... long sorry

swimfast39

so i just get this frantic call from fi. invitations went out tuesday and everyone got them yesterday. both of his parents are in tears because their names weren't on the invite.

when i went to pick the wording for the invitations, i specifically asked about this. my family and everyone i have ever been invited to a wedding for never puts the groom's parents. the woman said that unless both parents are splitting the cost, only the ones who are paying are the hosts. my parents are paying the whole reception. they are hosting the wedding.

well apparently fi's family doesn't see it this way. they think it is a personal slight because we are mad they are not helping to pay. seriously??? do i really have the kind of time on my hands to think of a scheme like that? they said it shouldn't be about money it should be about respect for your parents raising you. well that isn't what the invitiation lady told me!!!

and what hurts me most is instead of just assuming it was an innocent mix-up, or what the lady told us to put, or what my family always puts, they just jump the gun and say we are trying to purposely hurt them and insult them to everyone we invited. i am so hurt right now i feel like i am going to throw up. i feel awful because fi is in the middle and did nothing wrong. he feels guilty for not putting their name but he did nothing wrong.. this is so frustrating. tried talking to his mom and explaining and all she did was say insulting things about my mom! so i just emailed her (very respectfully) and told her how i feel and how the situation went down.

i don't know what else to do

rlavach

Did you or your FI ask them if they wanted to be on the invites? 

I am also from the school that the one's who host are the names on the invite. That is pretty much what I see as etiquette appropriate. They are being dramatic in being so upset, but perhaps it is normal in their circle for both parents to be on there, regardless of who paid. If your FI asked & they said not to worry about their names, then they're just psycho.

I asked my FI and although he said that in their country weddings aren't so formal & they don't do that, I should put them anyway. So we did 'mr & mrs my parents request the honor....my name, his name...son of mr & mrs his parents.' That way they're there, but it doesn't insinuate that they paid.

Give it time & try not to contact them too much yourself. Let FI deal with them.

swimfast39

no, i didn't ever ask. i know fi and i talked about it and we both thought it would be nice but when i brought it up to the invitation lady, she said traditional invitations only list the host. i don't really understand why they would expect to be on there. i am just so upset that so much drama is being caused and that they think i would do something like this to hurt them. what kind of people do they think me and my parents are?

meganb1977

What an upsetting situation for you that they took this so personally when it was not.  Agree with pp that this is something your fiance should smooth over with his parents, and I think it will simmer down if you keep a low profile and give it time.  Perhaps your future in-laws will mention it to someone else with a son who recently married who will let them know, "Oh our names weren't on the invitation either" and it will give your future in-laws a change in perspective.

cdbishop

I understand where you are coming from.  I think the best thing you can do at this point is give FMIL some time to cool down and get over the situation.  If she can't have an adult conversation about it and listen to you and FI's side then she needs space.  Did FI agree with you on not using their names?  I understand etiquette but at some points I feel that personal opinions matter as well.  It is too late to change the invitation, but maybe you can try to include FMIL in other decisions or items dealing with the wedding.  

emilyandjoeygetmarried

my MOH was in this situation...I think it really changes from family to family as neither of us had ever heard of the grooms parents names on the invites. But her husbands family was DEVESTATED when their names werent on there.
I took a page out of her book and made sure to ask my FI's dad first before working on wording and such.


I would just explain to the FIL's that you didn't intend to hurt their feelings and that you really are sorry they should understand or just bugger off

blgrout

I definitely agree with cdbishop that you should give her a few days to cool off, since she is obviously hurt.  Once she cools down, if she's reasonable she should understand that you guys didn't do anything malicious or leave their names off to "get back at them" for not contributing $$ to the wedding.  When she's cooled down, hopefully she'll listen and understand that you guys were just following ettiquette, and when you asked the printer for advice she told you to put your parents names only since they are hosting, and that it has nothing to do with how you feel towards them.

That is still a sucky situation to be in, and I hope it gets smoothed over soon. 

rardito

I did the same thing with our invites.  My parents are on it because they are the hosts.  His family will be listed in the program.

Maybe that's why they haven't rsvp'd yet, haha

swimfast39

lol, rardito. thanks for your advice everyone. i did email her because i felt like i needed to stand up for my parents and explain to her why her names weren't on the invite and that there was nothing personal. i also said even though i don't think we did anything i am sorry if her feelings were hurt. i find that i can get things out better when i write them down and the other person isn't there to interrupt me. she did respond. she said she understands but is still upset. she also said a lot of other things.. guess we have bigger issues than i thought

as far as i am concerned, i did what i needed to do, i am letting it go and washing my hands of the situation.

cgyvhu

I put my FI's family on the invite.  your FI's family could always be on the invites, just not at the top (under FI's name, lsited as "son of").

TBH, I know this isnt what you want to hear, but I'd be upset if I were them too.  No one asked them what they wanted, and now their son's wedding invite discluded them.  It can't be fixed, and it's a huge keepsake for them that now has no attachment to them.

Your FI should have asked them their preferences, and then decided - it was wrong to not ask, imo, just to keep the peace.  It's too late now, but be understanding with them because their hurt is reasonable.  I'd let youf FI deal with them.  And I'd find ways to make them feel included in the ceremony/reception.