MIL took over

mrssmith121909

Hi everyone, sorry if this gets long.Usually I am a lurker, but I need to vent/get some opinions/get some advise.  My FMIL is graciously paying for the reception.  We booked a small banquet room in a hotel.   The room seats 160 people max.  My side of the guest list is about 70 people including mutual friends of ours.  I am stressing out about his side of the guest list.  His mom invited enough people to put the guest list at 180 people (including inlaws of aunts and uncles)  We decided to go adults only at the reception which brought the list to 170.  I know everyone on my side will come since the family only gets together for weddings and funerals.  FI says everything will be fine, but I keep playing the "what if" game.  Save the dates went out already, addressed only to the adults.  I know I can't uninvite anyone.I guess I am just frustrated with FI because he says his mom is paying so she can invite whoever she wants, but I'm not worred about how much it is costing as much as how to fit 170 people into a room with max capacity of 160.

JuliaGoolia719

How have you presented this to your FI?  Have you put it as you are stressed that she keeps inviting ppl or thatyou are worried about fire codes?  I would just explain to him that you are super grateful that she is paying for things but that you are worried that you will be over the fire code for the room and have to not allow people that have been invited to attend.  Just explain that you dont want to have any hurt feelings or issues because more people were invited than can attend. On the flip side its totally likely that at least 10 ppl will not be able to attend.  I wouldnt stess about it until there is a reason to stress.  I would just let FI know that if there is a capacity issue that you expect FMIL to be the one to handle it bc she was the one who overinvited. Did you all discuss the guest list before booking the room?

mrssmith121909

The funny part is she is the one who picked the room.  We are trying to get the hotel to move us into the larger ballroom if it is available.  I would not be stressed except that I know most on my family's list will come, and when we looked at the list after her additions he was pretty sure most of his family's guest will come.  At this point we are over capacity, plus we have to feed the 3 photographers, the minister + minister's wife and the pianist (since we have known her for a long time and she recently came back to play for the church)I have put my foot down and told him I will not add anyone else to the guest list so any more verbal invites will not get an invitation until we know if we have the bigger room or not (it is kind of a longshot)I know it will work out, but it is stressful to imagine 10 or so guests sitting in the lobby.

jfriend82

don't stress out just yet, lady. there's time later for that. :)i agree with pp that you should approach the topic as a "fire hazard" concern and not as a "she's inviting too many people" concern. this will present it less as a personal issue and more as a logistics issue. and if he understands (which i can't imagine anyone wouldn't) that situation, then i would have him be the person who addresses his mother regarding this. this helps to show that he's on your side and understands the situation and that you aren't the only person concerned.  if it gets down to crunch time and you are over capacity, then have a serious conversation, the two of you, with her and ask her negotiate the people she is willing to call and uninvite (it makes me cringe to think about, but alas worst case scenario it may have to be done) so that your family and the crucially important members of your FI's family are able to attend the event without any stress.hope this helps.   good luck and let us know how it works out!

mrssmith121909

UPDATE: We got the bigger ballroom! It has double the capacity so no more headache/stress! I am going to tell FMIL that the capacity is at least 25 people less than it actually is so we don't have a repeat and everyone has enough room. Before we were going to have to put 12 people per round table that usually holds 10. Now we can make sure everyone has enough room! Thanks for the advice and input ladies!

chrisandjenna8

Here is my thoughts:  If she offered to pay for the reception and you didn't ask her to, it does NOT give her the right to plan it.  That being said.  She is going to be family so you want to keep the conflicts at a minimal.  I think your FI needs to step up and ask her to back off. She had her wedding.  Now it's your turn.  This is supposed to be a joyous day.  So, if all else fails.  Let her overbook the room and see for herself her own mistakes.  Just make sure to not let it get to you.  More people, more gifts ;)Although, if she does overbook and it is obvious to other guests (which it won't be) be sure to give her the "thank you for hosting toast" and mention, in a nice way of course, how she did such a great job at the guest list and go right into thanking everyone for being there! Don't let yourself get too stressed over the minor details.  It's still going to be one of the best days in your shared relationship to date!  Good luck.

JuliaGoolia719

yay!  I'm glad things are working out!  Good luck on the rest of the planning process, at least you know shes excited about the wedding!