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Difficult Bridesmaid

bkibler35bkibler35
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in Missouri-Kansas City
So, I am having a problem with one of my bridesmaids. She lives in FL and has known for MONTHS and I made it very clear that they would have to pay for their own dresses. We went and got the dresses at the beginning of March and I texted her to let her know she had to call and make her deposit. The reply I got was "Sorry its going to have to wait, I dont have any money"..I thought this was rude and told her so. In order to get all the dresses ordered I agreed to pay the deposit so the order could be placed. Now, I have been told that her dress along with 3 other bridesmaids dresses will be $10 more because they are size 18. She is throwing a fit about it.

Am I over reacting? She is making me very angry and stressed. She knew for months this was coming and only needed $75 for the deposit. And I was not holding up everyone else because she cant get her sh*t together.

I just needed to vent, and wondering if you all thought I was just being a bridezilla?! :)
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Re: Difficult Bridesmaid

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    nikkifeenikkifee member
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    edited December 2011
    I would personally be pissed... especially if you gave her several months notice. And if money is really that big of an issue, she should not have agreed to be a bridesmaid IMO. I understand money can be tight with some people, I'm a grad student doing an unpaid internship, so feel I really do understand. My maid of honor is also in grad school, and can only work limited hours. If someone is given appropriate notice, and they understand the price of the deposit, and still agree to go ahead with being a bridesmaid, they need to make the apropriate plans to save a little bit each week until they can pay the $75. if they can't, then again... they shouldn't have agreed to be a bridesmaid.

    I hope that doesn't sound bitchy, ha ha, I just get really pissed when people pull stuff like that. especially because, in my case, my fiance and I are paying half the wedding, we are paying to feed people, to serve alcohol to people, and then they throw a fit over how expensive their portion is... do they think it's NOT also expensive for us? 

    ok.. end of my rant now... haha :)
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    bkibler35bkibler35
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    edited December 2011
    It really pissed me off seeing as how she just had gotten back from a weekend get away with her boyfriend AND bought a new phone. WTF ya know? She's known since December, and then she tried to get mad at ME because I "should understand"...I understand we all have money issues, I mean, my FI and I do as well, but when you know something like this is coming.....you save up. All my other girls paid their dresses in full because they had been saving each week because they knew they were buying dresses soon.

    grrr.
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    bkibler35bkibler35
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    edited December 2011
    The dress was $150, which they all picked out themselves. I didnt mind what they wore, so they all got together, my friend in FL included in emails and calls, and picked the dress themselves....Is that alot? It seemed like there were alot of other dresses that were more $$
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    kelleyku05kelleyku05 member
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    edited December 2011
    I have a BM that complains a lot about the money, but she pretty much invited herself to be in the wedding.  So in a way she asked for it!  Being a part of a wedding is an honor and an expense.  If your friend can't afford it, she should have gracefully declined!

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    rknox88rknox88
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    edited December 2011
    Yeah, that's annoying. Yeah, your BM should have saved a little money here and there, like a responsible adult. But at the end of the day there isn't much you can do and it is such a small detail that isn't worth stressing over.

    Don't judge your friend's financial situation (trip with BF, new phone) and just go with the flow. It will make planning a wedding a lot easier.
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    theluckiest555theluckiest555
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    edited December 2011
    I would be upset too... generally when you agree to be a BM, you know that it will probably cost you money for at least the dress, maybe more. If she couldn't pay for a dress, she shouldn't have agreed to be in your wedding. That's what I think. I have had similar problems with my BMs, my mom paid for all the dresses (5) and she expects everyone to pay her back. So far only one of the five has even mentioned paying her back! Frown Grr. Sorry you're having a similar problem. I hope all works out.
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    aegrishaegrish member
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_missouri-kansas-city_difficult-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:82Discussion:52656300-faa4-488a-b401-f198499e1325Post:e7d090c4-d5d4-405a-9655-636848608e58">Re: Difficult Bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Difficult Bridesmaid : I guess I can't really answer that.  I mean, a lot to me may not be a lot to someone else and vice-versa.  And it also would depend on the dress tbh.  <strong>I bought my MOH's dress for her to help her out and it was quite a bit more than that  - however, it isn't a 'bridesmaid' dress per se.</strong>  We found a nice black evening gown at Nieman Marcus that she would certainly be able to wear again.  But I don't think I'd want to spend more than $100 on a dress that I would literally wear once. 
    Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

    This. I bought both of my BM"s dresses and they aren't offical BM dresses either ("special occassion").  Maybe your friend is having money problems and either felt bad when they picked them out 'together' or had sudden money issues come up.  You never know.  Personally, my FI and I are firm believers in paying for our wedding parties attire.  We rented the tuxes, purchased the dresses and paid for the jewelry.  If we wouldn't have had the means to do that, we would've had the guys wear suits they already own (or can borrow) and have the girls wear either very inexpensive dresses (like off the rack from the limited or something) OR a dress they already had. And yes IMO i think $150 is a lot for a BM dress that you may never wear again and probably need altered...add jewelry, shoes, hair make up on top of that. It adds up fast. 
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    frangates426frangates426
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    edited December 2011
    I work at David's Bridal, and 150  - 155 is one of our most expensive dresses (most cost between 80 and 100).  And with my experience a lot of Bms have paid for their own dresses.  IMO, she should have saved up and realized that being a BM comes with responsibility. It's not just sitting there and looking pretty. I have been in four weddings, and have paid for 3 out of the 4 BM dresses ( my first wedding I was 14 so my mom paid for it). I am paying for over half of my wedding, and I am expecting my girls to pay for their dresses since my FI and I are paying for almost everything else. You need to tell her that if she can't afford to buy a 150 dollar dress, then maybe she shouldn't be in your wedding. Because she is also going to have to buy a gift for you guys, her shoes, her jewelry, and hair and makeup. All that together will cost more than 150. Personally, with all the dresses I've seen around in the Bridal business, 150 is quite cheap. One wedding I was in, the Bm dresses cost 225. 

    Sorry, this was a rant too!! Hope it helped tho!
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    aegrishaegrish member
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_missouri-kansas-city_difficult-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:82Discussion:52656300-faa4-488a-b401-f198499e1325Post:56f2d864-3430-4407-a877-6eda225e6dbd">Re: Difficult Bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]I work at David's Bridal, and <strong>150  - 155 is one of our most expensive dresses (most cost between 80 and 100).</strong>  And with my experience a lot of Bms have paid for their own dresses.  IMO, she should have saved up and realized that being a BM comes with responsibility. It's not just sitting there and looking pretty. I have been in four weddings, and have paid for 3 out of the 4 BM dresses ( my first wedding I was 14 so my mom paid for it). I am paying for over half of my wedding, and I am expecting my girls to pay for their dresses since my FI and I are paying for almost everything else. <strong>You need to tell her that if she can't afford to buy a 150 dollar dress, then maybe she shouldn't be in your wedding.</strong> Because she is also going to have to buy a gift for you guys, her shoes, her jewelry, and hair and makeup. All that together will cost more than 150. Personally, <strong>with all the dresses I've seen around in the Bridal business, 150 is quite cheap.</strong> One wedding I was in, the Bm dresses cost 225.  Sorry, this was a rant too!! Hope it helped tho!
    Posted by frangates426[/QUOTE]


    Yes that is exactly what a good friend would do.....or not.  I would never say that to one of my friends and I would hope they would not say the same to me.  I would help them out.  If you need to be paid back then explain that to her.  Keep it between the 2 of you if you do pay for her dress. I wouldn't kick her out of my wedding just because she may be having financial troubles (or simply doesn't feel the dress is worth $150.)  If you are ready to kick someone out of your wedding because they don't agree with a dress choice or can't swing the $$ (if that is the case) then maybe you shouldn't have asked them to be in your wedding in the first place.

    And frangates you are contradicting yourself in your own post.  You say there are dresses that are $80 - 100 at davids, but $150 is cheap?  $150 is not cheap in everyone's budget....
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    frangates426frangates426
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    edited December 2011
    When I say that 150 is cheap, I am speaking from experience. David's Bridal is actually one of the least expensive places to look for BM dresses. I am not contradicting myself, I am saying that in other boutiques and other places that are not a national corporation, dresses can run upwards of even 500 dollars. I am not saying 150 is super cheap, but for a bargain it is.  Especially if the bride gets her wedding dress at david's, the bridesmaids get a $20 off coupon for dresses that are regular priced. On average most of our dresses cost 79-99. and the dresses that cost 150, you get at a discount if the bride has bought her dress with us.  I know that not all brides buy at davids, but honestly, if brides are looking for a bargain when it comes to bm dresses, david's is the place to go.  

    Now, I am not trying to put a shameless plug in here, because before I even started working there, I knew I was going to get my Bm dresses there, because i have friends around the country and it's the only place besides online, that offers the opportunity to go into a local store and get the dress the bride needs without having to pay for traveling to a local boutique. 


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    aegrishaegrish member
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    edited December 2011

    Even with a $20 coupon...$130 pre-tax is a lot (in most peoples budgets) to spend on a dress you will probably not wear again.  If you have bridesmaids that aren't jumping to buy/pay for their $150 dress, I wouldn't be suprised.  And I disagree with PP that says bridesmaids should KNOW that accepting an invitation to be in someone's wedding means the expense of paying for attire, hair , etc.  That's rididculous and rude.  It's not so much an honor to be in a wedding as it is an honor to have your friends stand up with you. 

    And you shouldn't exclude people from your wedding because they can't 'afford' to be in it. My friend let her BM's wear black dresses we already OWNED for her wedding, and we never look back at the photos and say 'oh gosh the dresses didn't match perfect'.  I'm sure she would tell you she's much happier looking back and seeing ALL of her closest friends in her wedding party then seeing a few that could afford perfectly matching dresses.

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    chyleinachyleina member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with aegrish here.
    My FI and I are paying for our own wedding. In its entirety. We are paying for BM accessories, dresses, Gm suits, RB attire, the works. Personally,  I think my wedding shouldn't be a financial burden to anyone except my fiance and I. I have been a BM so many times and if I hadn't, I can say that I would be in much better financial standings, lol. Between paying for my dress, accessories, hair/makeup  for their day, bachelorette parties, gifts, etc.
     I am a bride now too and I completely understand the stress and finances that go along with a wedding...but I would never ask someone else to spend $150 on a dress that (let's be honest) they will hate and never wear again.
    $150, IMO is alot. And I wouldn't ask any of my friends/family to shell out money because I want them to.
    Back in the day, I think being a BM was much more of an honor than it is now. I think now, being a BM just means your expected to help with expenses...which is kinda terrible.
    PS- before you guys start ripping me apart for disagreeing, just know that I am not saying your decisions are wrong, just that its not how I roll. I just want people to see it from the BM's point of view.
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    teamdynamiteteamdynamite member
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    edited December 2011
    See, this is why I just asked my BM's to wear a black dress for our wedding. All but one (my 14y/o niece) already have a "little black dress". I am paying for my niece's dress since her mom is my MOH and her younger siblings are ring bearer and flower girl. My mom is paying for the attire for the children and MOH is responsible for her own. It is definitely helping reduce stress :)

    Good luck with your BM though.
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    fireytigerfireytiger member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Well, i've been having troubles like that too. My MOH stepped down a couple months ago, because she said she couldn't afford the dress. Now mind you, I told ALL my bridesmaids that they could pick the dress that they like best and that they could afford, as long as it was apple red. Like frangates said (not that I agree with kicking people out, but about the prices) there are dresses that cost as little as 80 dollars. My MOH decided on a dress that cost 180 dollars pre-tax and alterations, and then called bitching at me about how expensive it was, like it was my fault. So she ended up deciding to step out of the wedding because apparently I wasn't being sensitive to her financial situation, despite the fact that SHE chose to spend way more money than she needed to.

    My other BM, she said she was going to buy her dress, but it's been months now and she STILL hasn't even gone to look. We're a little less than 3 months before the wedding, and she hasn't gone. I'm just upset because my MOH and this BM are truly my best friends and i've known them longer than anyone. The other two BMs are friends, but I'm not as close to them. But now it seems like the two people who meant the most to me are flaking out and i'm pretty bummed about it. We don't have the money to pay for their dresses and have them pay us back, at this point we're barely making ends meet and it's iffy whether we can still afford the remainder of our wedding cost. It just sucks.
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    nikkifeenikkifee member
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    edited December 2011
    If she was able to pick out her own dress, then I really don't feel she can complain about the price. If she knew money was an issue, she could have gone somewhere else that was cheaper to buy the bridesmaid dress.

    My bridesmaid dresses were ~$150 each, which was the cheapest option offered where I had my dress purchased. HOWEVER, I did not pick out the dress, I let the MOH pick out the dress, and then BEFORE we ordered it, I sent an email to each bridesmaid with a picture of the dress, and letting them know how much it cost, asking if the price was ok and stated that if it was not, we would go somewhere else to find a dress that was in their budget. All of them, but one, is in grad school, and working either very little, or working an unpaid internship, so for all of them money was an issue, but they stated the price was fine, so I went forward with the order. 
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    bkibler35bkibler35
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    edited December 2011
    I would never kick my friend out of the wedding because of this issue, I was very upset though when I posted this, and didnt mean to start a conflict.

    Either way, its all worked out now...
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    scidork04scidork04 member
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    edited December 2011
    It has made me feel a LOT better to read through these posts!  One of my bridesmaids just asked me if I would by her dress so that it would be here in time for alterations pre wedding.  Oh did I mention she leaves for Vegas in 9 days and just bought a new dress and shoes for that?! 

    Oh well.  I agree with others that have said you just have to let it go.  I'm working on it!
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