Slight BM Problem

Blondy214

I guess it was only a matter of time until some issue came up. Its not a big deal, but I was just wondering what you ladies would do in this situation. Sorry this is kind of long

I have 4 BMs, 2 are my sisters and the other 2 are my best friends from college. One of my BM started an advanced nursing program in May. Its a 15 month program, and you get a bachelor's in nursing by the end of it. Most people get this degree in 2 years. It is extremely intense and time consuming. Anyway, I asked her today if we could go later this week to go BM dress shopping. We are both students, and once classes start in a few weeks, there won't be much time to go shopping. She said that she wanted to talk to me about that.

Basically, she told me that she wants to be in my wedding, but that she doesn't think she's going to have the time to help with BM duties due to school. That really doesn't matter to me at all, she is one of my best friends and most importantly I just want her to stand up with me when I get married. I told her that, but she wanted me to check with the other BMs to make sure they wouldn't be mad at her if she's unable to help. 

So I talked to my sister about it, and she was less than thrilled. She asked me why don't I just find another BM. I don't want another BM, I want her. Eventually she was like "Its your wedding, so you should do what you want." (which, for the record, I was going to anyway lol). 

I am pretty laid back. I don't want my wedding to be a burden to my BP. I even told my mom that I am totally willing to help make food for my shower when she brought it up. I seriously don't care. Do you think is it unfair to my other BMs that I still want to keep the one in the wedding party who really can't help with anything?

Spunky414

No I don't think it's unfair and you shouldn't feel bad about it. All the BMs have to do is show up on time dressed and ready on your wedding day anything else is a bonus. The other 3 BMs if they want to plan anything they should keep it to stuff that can be handled by 3 people, shouldn't be a big deal. Personally, I happen to think that it's harder to plan events when you have to consult a bunch of different people so something like this wouldn't phase me at all.  

mabapunta

I don't think it's unfair. She's important to you and if you're OK with her not doing a lot for your wedding, that's fine. You can always ask your other BMs if you're concerned about what they might think...or rather, just tell them this is how it is - you don't have a problem with it and neither should they. Maybe she'll have a bit of time for Facebook/email opinion? So she feels she's included with some of it, but doesn't have to do any of the major planning/shopping.

My MOH and one BM are both in separate states from me. MOH is super busy just trying to get thru life and my BM is planning her own wedding this November. I ask their opinion on things and send emails with pictures of dresses I see with my BM here locally. I don't think anyone is upset at anyone else - probably because they're all so laidback in the first place. Plus I never really clarified expectations, because really I don't have any - just input on bridesmaid dresses since they'll be the ones wearing and buying them.

vk2204

There are no real duties that a BM needs to do besides get the dress and show up. They aren't required to throw any parties or anything.

Did this BM already say she would help plan parties and what not? If she did, maybe she can still help from afar. But I would not kick her out or replace her; she is one of your best friends.

Cryssteen

Please... you're fine.  Tell your friend it's fine.  I've been a BM in a long-distance wedding.  Also, while I was in nursing school.  I had to miss the shower and the bachelorette party.  I felt bad, the bride and the other BMs understood.  It happens.  Life happens.  I still felt bad, so I made it my mission to REALLY be there the couple of days before the wedding.  I was with her picking up stuff, running around, getting nails done, etc.   I spent a good full day before the wedding and  the entire morning and afternoon of the wedding with her.   I did brunch  the next day with her and the rest of the WP.  Was it ideal?  No.  But we've been friends for over a decade.  I love her, she loves me.  At the end of the day, we're both happy I was in the photos the day of the wedding and I bet she doesn't even remember the fact that I couldn't be there for the rest of it.  

erbear84

Do what YOU want.  I got a lot of flak when my MOH moved to London and my BM (who lives in NYC) got engaged and started planning her own wedding two weeks after mine but you know what?  I don't care how my parties turn out, I care about my wedding and it will be awesome with those two there.

Blondy214

Thanks ladies. I didn't think it was a big deal until my sister was kind of upset about it. But like I said i don't really care about any parties. All I want is for my girls to stand up with me. 

vk- She didn't mention planning parties to me, but I'm not sure what she talked mentioned to the other BM. She might be able to help with some ideas, but theres a good chance that she won't be able to attend any parties.

vk2204

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_april-2013-weddings_slight-bm-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:820178d7-4f43-4671-bcab-c5c2c01eef1eDiscussion:0529442c-0291-43d6-aa82-1c0c1c54d64dPost:e8096c76-0475-40eb-8a51-c3605f875a1c">Re: Slight BM Problem</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks ladies. I didn't think it was a big deal until my sister was kind of upset about it. But like I said i don't really care about any parties. All I want is for my girls to stand up with me.  vk- She didn't mention planning parties to me, but I'm not sure what she talked mentioned to the other BM. She might be able to help with some ideas, but theres a good chance that she won't be able to attend any parties.
Posted by Blondy214[/QUOTE]

Most people don't get together weekly to plan things, they do it over the phone or email or some other form of technology. So even though your pal can't be there in person for the parties, she can still throw out some ideas and be a part of the process. Good Luck.

shipsinthenight

I don't think your sister has any right to get upset. A) it's not her wedding, so she should only be worried about your expectations of BP behavior, and your BM told you nice and early, and considearately asked that you check with your BP. Everyone is fine here, except maybe your sister. Sounds like she had unrealistic expectations to start with, but that's really her problem. I know what I expected out of myself when I was a BM, which is more than most people do anymore, but I'm wedding obsessed. I tend to think it's wierd when someone agrees to be in a wedding and then has no interest in the planning, but it's not upsetting to me, I just don't get it because that's not how I am. It would be different if she said she didn't care about your wedding or something rediculous like that, but that's clearly not the case. I'm sure she'll find a little time to be involved, although not as much as she might wish she could.

1mobags

I agree. You have who you want beside you on that day not who can do the most work leading up to it.

lcatterton

Your sister is being selfish. It's your wedding and your friend deserves to be in it!