My dad's not coming - am I overreacting? (Long)

ChiGirl2013

My dad and I haven't always had the best relationship, going back as far as I can remember.  He tends to say whatever he wants, without regard to how it makes others feel, and he thinks it's his way or the highway on pretty much everything.  In his eyes, he knows everything and everyone else is an idiot.  I've gotten to the point where I can't bite my tongue anymore and have been giving gentle reminders for him to think of others' feelings.  He doesn't like this, and frequently goes months without talking to me.

We're just coming off a 4 month "separation" after he cussed me out for something my sister did and I told him to yell at HER if that's who he was mad at, but if he wanted to talk to me, he darn well better do it respectfully or don't bother calling at all. 

He has always said he's coming to the wedding, even through all of our arguments.  I got a voice mail this weekend that now he's not sure if he's coming, claiming he won't know until January if he can have the time off, since vacation requests go by seniority.  I get that.  However, I also know that he's been at his job for 35 years and has never had problems getting whatever time off he wants in the past.

Today, I find out the REAL reason.  Apparently, he proposed to his girlfriend 2 months ago and they're planning their wedding just 2 weeks after ours.  Of course he's not going to take time off for my wedding, and then turn around and take time off for his own 2 weeks later.  (We're doing a destination wedding on a Sunday so he could, in theory, fly down on Saturday and leave Monday, only needing 1 day off work.)  This is my dad's FIFTH wedding, by the way.  I found out about the engagement at my niece's graduation party today - she came by to introduce people to us and introduced "Grandpa Bob and Grandma Theresa.  Well, she'll be my grandma next year - they're getting married."  Sure enough, I look down and she had a ring.  We'd been sitting at the table with them for over an hour and he never said anything about being engaged, not to mention he never mentioned it any of the times we've talked on the phone.  Another hour passed and I found them alone so I went to talk to them in private and they confirmed that he had proposed the day before Mother's Day.

Am I wrong to think he should have told me sooner?  (He obviously told my sister and her kids, but not me or my other sister.)  Is it selfish of me to think that he didn't HAVE to make his wedding right after mine, and that he should be at his daughter's wedding?  I just can't wrap my mind around this right now, and it kind of stings a little.  I've worked so hard for so many years to try and patch up our relationship and it feels like a slap in the face.

BrittRN+

I don't think your overreacting at all. I've always had a close relationship with my family, so it's a bit difficult for me to put myself in your shoes, but I think I'd be pretty upset. If he already knew when your date was, it seems very rude to have his wedding two weeks later if it affects him being able to attend yours. Plus the fact that he hadn't even told you he was engaged is just crazy. I'm sorry he's being insensitive and hope things get better.

Spunky414

Not overreacting at all, it's an increditbly inconsiderate thing for him to do and I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. There's no excuse for not telling you and then setting  the date so close your wedding. You can only control your own feelings about his behavior and from my experience growing up with less than loving parents, adjust your expectations for his behavior.  

shipsinthenight

You're totally justified in this. He should have told all of his children at or close to the same time. He should have considered your wedding. If his future wife wanted to get married then, he should have told her they'd have to wait out of respect to you, and so he could take the time off for both events. It sounds like he may have not really had any intention of attending your wedding, very sadly, and this was a way for him to do it by going around the other side. You can't change his behavior, and if I were you, I'd start trying to become indifferent to his actions. Love him as much as you can, be happy when he is willing to participate in your life, ignore whatever he does that is hurtful or destructive...And I'm sorry he's marrying a woman as inconsiderate as that to plan her wedding that conflicts with yours.

ChiGirl2013

Thanks, ladies.  This is not the first stupid thing my dad has done, and my expectations of him are already next to nothing.  Sort of learned that the hard way growing up.  I guess I was wrong in thinking that my wedding would be the one thing that he wouldn't "mess up" - I should have known better. 

But, like a lot of you said, I can't control his behavior and, honestly, it would probably be better if he wasn't there.  If he never cared enough to share the ups and downs over the years, why should he be allowed to celebrate one of the biggest days of my life?  I guess it hurts because I'm a parent and just don't understand how someone could throw their child(ren) out with the trash.  Oh well.  His loss.

neelyjade

OH hun, I feel like it was me that wrote this post! I'm going through something SO similar with my dad as well. I've always had a rocky relationship with my dad and I've been working so hard to maintain it. We have been on a "seperation" since Easter because he cussed me out (for oddly enough, something my sister did too). He's still made no effort to ask me about my wedding, when it is, or anything. I finally had to realize that this is a 2 way street...I can not make him care about me or my wedding like I would want him too. If anything, this has all been an example to me on how to *not* parent.  I've always envisioned my dad walking me down the aisle and its still so strange to me to thinking that he probably will not be.

Just focus on all the good things happening ....totally his loss!

ChiGirl2013

I'm sorry you're dealing with this as well!  *HUGS*

Thankfully, I was raised by my aunt and uncle, and my uncle has gladly agreed to walk me down the aisle.  And you are SO right - my dad has taught me what NOT to do with my daughter.  Even on the days I want to say no, or lose my temper, or do the same thing for the 500th time, I stop and think about the "shining" example my dad set and it quickly changes my mind.  :-)