Vent (A first of many I am sure)

dandelionsgirl

So when we got engaged FI and I asked his cousin (2nd grade) if she wanted to be a jr. bridesmaid.  We actually asked her mom because the cousin has social issues but we wanted to be polite and ask.  The mom said it would not be a good idea because of her anxiety issues but thank you for the invite.  Fast forward to now and FMIL tells me that her sister changed her mind and wants the cousin in the wedding.  I know it is the right thing to do to let the girl be in but I can't handle all of the back and forth drama.  They said we will buy the dress and if she wants to walk she will.  I don't know if they understand that will involve a bouquet and such.  I think I will pick a dress and just eat the bouquet cost.  I mean if her parents want to spend extra money on a dress she might never wear it is their decision.  Right? 

P.S. (I should add there is a good chance she will freak out about the amount of people there and will not come to the wedding at all.)

shipsinthenight

I think you're making the right choice. Consider something other than a traditional bouquet that might have a lower cost. Not sure what that would be, I wouldn't do a pommander or a sign necessarily, as that may seem too "flower girly" for a jr. bridesmaid, although I think at 2nd grade, I would still consider her a flower girl. I'm not a fan of tiny flower girls who can't make it down the aisle, just because they're cute. Ideal age for a flower girl to me is between 5 and 9. Older than that I would say is jr. bridesmaid land. But whatever you call her and have her carry is your call (collectively with fi of course). And if her parents are buying the dress, let them. Maybe she'll show, but if not, she'll have a nice dress for easter or some other event.

ChiGirl2013

Honestly, I would tell her thanks but no thanks.  I would calmly and politely tell her that you want a fixed bridal party and that your printed programs should reflect the actual bridal party.  I would then offer to have the child do something else that can easily be done by someone else if she backs out.  Can she hand out programs?  Is she capable of saying a prayer before your reception dinner (if your family does that sort of thing?)  Can you maybe make up an emergency kit for the wedding day and put her in charge of that, so everyone knows who to look for if they need nail glue, contact solution, etc?

Having a major anxiety disorder myself, I know how it is to not know how you'll be from one day to another.  And I know how HORRIBLE I feel when I promise something and my anxiety causes me to back out.  When events come up, I feel so much pressure to force my anxiety into hiding that it actually makes the anxiety worse.  Just explain to the mom that you don't want to put that sort of pressure on the little girl.

I would also find out if it's the CHILD who wants to be in the wedding or the MOTHER who wants her daughter in the wedding.  There is a HUGE difference there.  If possible, I'd talk to the child about it without mom present and try to feel her out. 

dandelionsgirl

Ships- My DD is going to be flower-girl and I want her to have a special place.  That is why we offered FI's cousin a jr. bridesmaid position.

ChiGirl- I agree.  I don't want pressure put on her.  She is a very sweet girl and I want her to enjoy herself and not worry about any responsibilities.  Unfortunately they live in TX and her mother is protective and won't let her use the phone.  I am going to try to talk to FMIL and see who really wants her to be in the wedding.

Thanks for the advice guys.

vk2204

Honestly, I would let her (the little girl) do what she wants. The way it sounds is that there is a good chance she won't even want to do it when the time comes. Let her get the dress, include her in pictures/program, maybe make a little bouquet for her to carry; just in case she decides she wants to walk down the aisle.

The way I am reading it, is the only thing she would be doing as a part of the bridal party is walking down the aisle, so if she does, awesome! But if she doesn't, oh well, no big deal. I would just plan for her to be in it because it seems easier that way then going back and forth.