Looking for opinions on wedding etiquette

ChiGirl2013

I'll try to condense this.  My mom has a cousin.  The cousin's son recently had a destination wedding, and now they're having a reception here at home for everyone who wasn't invited to the wedding.  I got an invitation to the reception, but not the wedding.  It's adults only and I can't afford $100+ for a sitter, so we're not going.  I did send a gift from the registry, though.

I'm curious about several things - I haven't seen the groom in, oh, about 15 years, and he hasn't written or called or anything like that.  He lives 2 states away and I doubt he could pick me out of a lineup.  I see his parents 2-3 times a year at various family functions.  Is it odd that I would be invited to his reception, given that it has been so long since I've seen or heard from him?  I was rather surprised to get the invitation, honestly.  Would you guys have gone to the reception?  Would you send a gift or no gift?  Do you consider the invitation a faux pas since we haven't had any contact in 15 years?  Some of this will apply to my own destination wedding so I'm looking for opinions and trying not to make myself look like a dufus when our time rolls around. 

erbear84

My cousin who I am not close to got married last year.  I AM close to his mom and his sister, so I was a little surprised I wasn't extended an invite...but honestly, not upset since I didn't have to buy a gift.  My sister that lives in Texas and hasn't seen him since they were children got an invite, though. 

Long story short...not sure it's against etiquette to invite people to an at-home reception that weren't invited to a DW but I wouldn't really invite the cousin to my wedding if I were you.  In some ways this seems kinda gift grabby.

skl14

I think that since you are family, that trumps not seeing you in several years. Many people want to invite their entire families and view the wedding as almost a family reunion. They may have also wanted to invite some sets of cousins, then invited them all to be polite. Generally you should invite in circles in terms of relation, for example you shouldn't invite one aunt/uncle but not their siblings that are also your aunts and uncles. Or if you invite first cousins, invite all of your first cousins. 

The only weird thing is that you weren't invited to the wedding. They should have invited you to both, having a very large reception after the fact will look gift grabby to some people, though personally I don't care. 

I would go to the reception only if it was within my budget and schedule. It was very nice of you to send a gift, but it would probably be fine if you didn't.

vk2204

1. I don't understand why there is a need for 2 weddings. They are already married. Maybe that is why you didn't get an invite to the 'ceremony'; because again, they are already married and they aren't doing that twice? I don't think you being invited is the faux pas, it is the fact that they are having two weddings. Which, to me, is very gift grabby.

2. I don't think it is strange you got invited. You guys are family. I plan on inviting my cousins who I haven't seen in a very long time.

3. I wouldn't worry about inviting him to your wedding.

nay1984

i know in our family..when it comes to invites  once you invite one cousin you have to invite everyone at that 'rank' even if you arent close to them. out of respect to that person since you invited for example your other cousins.

ChiGirl2013

Just to clarify - the second reception here is NOT a ceremony.  I don't even think they're wearing their wedding attire.  It's an adult only plated reception with dancing, cake, etc - bascially everything BUT the ceremony.

They had a ceremony & buffet on the beach for immediate family on their wedding day, and now they're having a reception where his family is from.  (They're also having a second reception in the state where her family is from, and a third reception in the state where they've been living for the past few years.)

The fact that we're not attending has sparked some hurt feelings, but I am not even going to worry about it.  I have too many other things to that deserve my time & attention besides what a 3rd cousin from a decade and a half ago thinks about me.  He got his gift, I don't see what the big deal is.  *shrug*

abbyizzymommy

I think it is a personal opinion type thing. For example my cousins are spread all over, and we were never really close, but we are all facebook friends and chit chat occasionally. That being said, I have attended all of their weddings and they will attend mine. For us, weddings are a once in a lifetime thing, and we are not close becasue we live so far apart, not any other reason, so it is really nice to see everyone for something other than a funeral. lol

shipsinthenight

Ah, 3rd cousin, that's very different. I've only seen my 2nd cousins a handful of times in my life, let alone 3rd cousins. Every family is different, but I wouldn't worry about inviting him. I don't know what the deal with the hurt feelings is, but people should know that just because they send an invite, that doesn't mean everyone they invite will come. Especially when it's adults only and babysitters are so exspensive. It was nice of you to send a gift, especially since he's distant family, and I don't think gifts are necessary for a secondary reception. Your family should understand, given your situation.

nay1984

that is becoming a trend though..a lot of ppl have a ceremony away and then celebrate with everyone here..so i guess its not so weird for me because ive seen and been to these types of celebrations...but if you havent been to one I could see why you would be thrown off by it..but it is becoming more common

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good2Bqueen13

Please, PLEASE, PLEASE remember that it is perfectly fine to invite guests to your reception and not to your ceremony (local or destination makes no difference).  This is NOT GIFT GRABBY!!!!!!!  Only those invited to the ceremony are expected to bring/send gifts - NOT those invited to the reception.  However, many guests at the reception also choose to gift the couple.

PS - It is NOT ok to invite some one to your wedding but not the reception.  Then you are saying, "I want your gift, but I don't want to pay to host you at our reception celebration."  And this is where you begin to get into tiered recpeptions, and that's an ugly thing to do too.

radioflyer04

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_april-2013-weddings_looking-for-opinions-on-wedding-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:820178d7-4f43-4671-bcab-c5c2c01eef1eDiscussion:9d1505d7-6180-4d3b-8db1-11581e73bccaPost:3a10c8be-a947-4897-a31d-21cfe4785c3e">Looking for opinions on wedding etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]I'll try to condense this.  My mom has a cousin.  The cousin's son recently had a destination wedding, and now they're having a reception here at home for everyone who wasn't invited to the wedding.  I got an invitation to the reception, but not the wedding.  It's adults only and I can't afford $100+ for a sitter, so we're not going.  I did send a gift from the registry, though. I'm curious about several things - I haven't seen the groom in, oh, about 15 years, and he hasn't written or called or anything like that.  He lives 2 states away and I doubt he could pick me out of a lineup.  I see his parents 2-3 times a year at various family functions.  Is it odd that I would be invited to his reception, given that it has been so long since I've seen or heard from him?  I was rather surprised to get the invitation, honestly.  Would you guys have gone to the reception?  Would you send a gift or no gift?  Do you consider the invitation a faux pas since we haven't had any contact in 15 years?  Some of this will apply to my own destination wedding so I'm looking for opinions and trying not to make myself look like a dufus when our time rolls around. 
Posted by ChiGirl2013[/QUOTE]