April 2013 Weddings
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Your kidding me right? BTW long sorry

Ok so I have a issue, we are getting married in April 2013, I recently asked my FMIL for the addresses of there side of the family. She did that no problem at all. 
  Well I happened to ask if they are going to paying for the rehearsal dinner ( grooms parents responsibility if I'm correct),  if so how many people to invite. Well needless to say she said just the bridal party no significant others! Now She had mentioned/said they wanted to pay for it. 
  
I was like normally the bridal party is allowed to invite there significant other. I gave her a example of my bridesmaid (Sis in law) saying since my niece and brother were there they could come, but yet my other bridesmaid ( my sister) couldn't come? She says yes that's correct I told her that's not fair and my families among other peoples feelings would be hurt. I also have a cousin and aunt and uncle who went to my brothers wedding and rehearsal dinner, she said they couldn't come either. 
   
 When I offered that she could pay for so many people and we could pay for the rest, so I can have family invited and their spouses etc. SHE GOT OFFENDED! I wasn't trying to offend her, I just needed to know if we should save some extra money to help them out. I thought my idea was a good one. 
She also said it was to early to make any plans and that she will plan it a month or few weeks before. 
She then says well can my father not pay for everything? Uhh I'm sorry he is already spending alot of money on the wedding and honeymoon. 

Ok so then I say hey when I get back in the country in NOV would you like to look at dresses for yourself. She tells me she already has one in mind and then she tells me the color she wants...a LIGHT IVORY!! 
Like is she just trying to piss me off? I have tried to work with her and compromise, but she never gives.
 
Then to top it off she emails the photographer a (good friend of mine) and tell her she wants a picture of her and my fiance taken at the wedding. I'm pretty sure the photographer knows what to take pictures of. 
Any suggestions on how to handle her? Fiance has tried to talk to her. Thanks in advance.

Re: Your kidding me right? BTW long sorry

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    I have a feeling that the conversation got started on a bad foot.  You really shouldn't have asked her if she was going to pay for the rehearsal dinner or not.  Unless someone offers to pay for something you should assume that cost will fall onto you and save accordingly.  This is probably why she got offended, not that you offered to pitch in.  

    As far as the dress I would have FI talk to her and say that ivory is not an appropriate color for her to wear and have him suggest colors to her.

    The email to the photographer she probably thought was harmless.  It is an important picture for her and so I would just let it go.  It didn't hurt anything.  But from here on out don't give her details so she can't reach out to vendors without your knowledge.

    Good luck
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    She had mentioned earlier in the month that they wanted to pay for it. Sorry should have said that.

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    edited September 2012
    It doesn't matter if she offered it, unfortunately you shouldn't have brought it up again, unless they did. Until someone sits down to start planning with you, you can not assume they are paying, even if they've mentioned in the past they would like to. But with how she is acting, I think you should decline her offer and pay for it yourself so that you can do it the way you want. And normally, rehearshal dinners are only bridal party and their signifcant others, no extended family, so she is justified for saying no to paying for the aunt/uncle. But if you really want them there and she is too offended for you to pay your half, like I said, just decline her offer. No one is required to spend money on your wedding except you and your FI, and since your father is paying for the wedding, and your honeymoon, maybe just make the rehearsal dinner what you guys do? May be easier that way!

    For the dress- same as previous poster- have your FI tell her it is inappropiate. And for the email- maybe let the photog know that if anyone emails her except you and FI, to just ignore it!
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    MrsNerraw13MrsNerraw13 member
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    edited September 2012
    Ok, thanks. I didn't realize I was in the wrong since she had mentioned it earlier that month. But I guess until she says something again then I shall wait to plan anything. Hopefully she doesn't wait to long to tell me before the wedding. thanks again. :) 
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    i dont think ur that wrong for asking..shes family ur not asking a stranger hey can u pay for this...is a wedding and everyone seemed to be involved so I can see why you asked. however weddings can bring out behaviours out of people....maybe just let the dust settle and re-evaluate what involvement people want and make any changes then.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_april-2013-weddings_your-kidding-me-right-btw-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:820178d7-4f43-4671-bcab-c5c2c01eef1eDiscussion:a38e7316-bf9c-48ab-a897-80b7d2b8112dPost:35cc3660-ee78-40b3-9823-469bda0efa10">Re: Your kidding me right? BTW long sorry</a>:
    [QUOTE]i dont think ur that wrong for asking..shes family ur not asking a stranger hey can u pay for this...is a wedding and everyone seemed to be involved so I can see why you asked. however weddings can bring out behaviours out of people....maybe just let the dust settle and re-evaluate what involvement people want and make any changes then.
    Posted by nay1984[/QUOTE]
    Hey thanks so much. I mean I wasn't trying to be rude. I just simply wanted to know since she had offered recently. I didn't think it would be a big deal. <div>But when she says small she means just bridal party. She's pretty much saying you can invite art of your family but not their spouse. ( I know if I did that I would have many people mad at me etc) But I feel that its rude to not to let the bridal party invite their spouse. Since they have taken the time to be in our wedding. </div>
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    Oh I totally get wanting to ask- believe me, I broke etiquette by asking my own mom about money stuff lol. But technically, etiquette wise- which I've learned from reading the etiquette board a ton, is that you don't ask- you wait for them to offer and bring it up, usually. If you all are close enough, then it really should be your FI asking, not you. Maybe it would be easier for her to do what you need her to do if her son is the one kind of guiding it all.  But yes- she is totally breaking etiquette by not allowing significant others of anyone involved in the wedding to come- that is very rude, and you could find many etiquette things online that would show her that. Hopefully your FI wisens her up! And if she can't afford it, maybe she pitches in what she can or she steps down, or you just have a much more affordable dinner, like pizza and salad at someone's house so that everyone can come.
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    Ettiquete wise, there are a couple faux pas that have occured here...and I don't think any of them are yours. After someone has offered to pay for something, which she already had, you can bring up the planning aspect again before she does. I understand wanting to have the details of the rehearsal dinner set up more than a month in advance. Between 2 and three months is when I would want that planned by. So you may be a bit early, but not out of line. And while she may be paying for the RD, I feel like you and your fi should determine the guest list. He should ask his mom what the budget is, and then you decide together how many guests you invite. I don't think, just because she is paying, she has the right to exclude spouces or long-standing significant others. That, to me, is increadibly rude. I can understand wanting to keep the guest list managable, and to that end, aunts and uncles who are not in the BP can be left off without being rude, but it's not a mixer! It's not like you're trying to hook up all your single friends with his, so if they have spouces or significant others, they should be invited. How would she feel if she were in teir shoes? Have fi talk to her about this too. I'm sure she would never be invited to a party without her husband, and if she were, she would probably be offended. And as for the dress color she picked, not ok. EVERYBODY knows you don't wear white or ivory to a wedding unless the bride oks it, like with that fiasco of a Kardashian wedding (not that it wasn't lovely, but that is was so much for so little marriage...). Thankfully my FMIL has already talked to me about co-ordinating her outfit, not only with the wedding colors, bu with my mom's dress as well. She really should have talked to you and fi about her dress first, and he should talk to her about it now. If she won't budge (like the mom who insisted on wearing red in an episode of "whose wedding is it, anyway?" that I saw recently), remember that other people will realize how out of line she is, and no one will confuse her with you.
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    Technically no one is required to throw any parties or contribute to your wedding. But honestly, since it was mentioned before, I would have asked. Especially since it is getting closer to the date. Both my FI and myself asked our parents about contributing because they have brought it up before.

    Regarding the RD. If they are being stubborn and not willing to invite SO's, I would decline their offer. It is extremely rude of them. How does your FI feel about it?

    Let your FMIL wear whatever she wants, because if she chooses something less than appropriate, she will look foolish, not you. Just be polite and smile, kill her with kindness.

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    Oh, also... I think she needs to plan the RD much earlier in advance. Especially if you plan on having more than 20 people. We are already looking at places and some are booked due to sporting events and other things. Good luck.
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    MrsNerraw13MrsNerraw13 member
    First Comment
    edited September 2012
    Thank you everyone I appreciate the input. I asked her to let me know by the middle of October if she plans to help, she at least agreed to that. My FI doesn't have the best relationship with his mom, so I think I will have I'm try and talk to his dad. 

    I might just talk to my neighbor to see if we could throw the RD there also and we just buy stuff to grill out. (we are getting married in her backyard) Then we can just invite people and they can put money towards who/what they want to pay for. 

    As for the wearing white, I really dont think I could forgive her if she did wear that. 

    So how is everyone's planning going?
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