Rehearsal Dinner??

LuckyGirl1713

I know that we are all getting in rehearsal dinner mode so I need some advice from my fellow april brides.  My future in laws have graciously offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner.  Honestly, it really doesn't bother me what restaurant it is held at or many of the other details, but I know there is going to be a problem with the guest list. 

My future mother in law doesn't believe that the husband/wives or boyfriends/girlfriends of the people in our bridal party and the people who will be doing a reading at our wedding ceremony should be invited.  I think this is rude.  My godmother/aunt will be doing a reading..how am I suppose to tell her that her husband/my uncle can't attend?  My Maid of Honor/cousin will be flying in from Florida for my wedding with her husband...how do I tell her that her husband can't attend?  The list goes on and on of people that I will be insulting by not inviting their spouse/significiant other.

I don't want to seem greedy or ungrateful, but I'm not sure how to handle this.  We could offer to pay for the extra people but it isn't really an expense we can afford.  If we were paying for the rehearsal dinner on our own it would be something simple, probably buffet at our home that we could afford.  I know what she is planning will be more elaborate.  Any advice?

[Deleted User]

Oh goodness...I don't think my FMIL realized this either when we first discussed the RD.  I'm not sure what to tell you, I just made sure she knew to look for a restaurant that would accomodate about 50 people up front.  I think her eyes about popped out of her head but once I pointed out that we had(originally) 16 people in the wedding party and they'd almost all have signifiant others she sort of gave in.  

It's definitely an awkward position to be in, however, my FMIL invited more guests to the wedding than FI, my mom, and I did, which we're paying for so she can pick up the tab on this one...I don't feel too bad.  Also, we just had 4 people bail out(2 in wedding party and their SO's) so maybe that will help with the cost a bit.

Can you arrange a less-expensive get together for everyone that can't come to the RD?  Maybe your uncle could meet up with everyone at a nearby bar for appetizers and drinks or a small buffet at a relative's house?

lizrywedding

we are in a similar position. my future ILs don't think we need to invite grandparents, or spouses. so I just said that we would cover half the rehearsal dinner. they thought that was dumb, and still try to fight it saying it's a waste of money. I just tell them the 200 extra dollars isn't worth being rude to my guests.... 

[Deleted User]

Is it a money thing? If so, can you maybe research cheap restaurant options for her and thus do some of the work? FFIL is planning on hosting but he and FI kind of suck at like...getting on planning (or maybe it's just FI not talking to him about it...jury's still out). Anyway, I've gone ahead and looked up multiple options ranging from pretty cheap, low key kind of burger place to nice, fancy, reception kind of place. This way, we can just present him with a list of "must invites" and he can decide what he wants to spend or if he decides he doesn't want to host.

[Deleted User]

I was in the same situation. I explained to my FI that spouses/SO's and children had to be invited--it was simply rude not to. That also meant that the flower girls and ring bearers and their parents had to be invited. I made my FI deal with it (not because I don't get along with my FMIL--I do, but I thought it was better coming from her son). At any rate, they've agreed to that.

There are some out of town guests from my family that I want to invite, but I offered to pay for them. We will probably also be paying for the alcohol, since my FILs don't drink. We can't really afford it either, which sucks because we didn't even want a RD to begin with... but we're making it work.

ChiGirl2013

I would tell her, or have your FI tell her, that not inviting the spouses is rude and that you'd rather skip the RD than offend the people who are most important to you.  Yes, RD's are more common than not, but they're not necessary.  I wouldn't agree to one if it meant I had to use poor manners and offend people.

LuckyGirl1713

It's definitely not a cost thing with my in laws.  She just makes up her own rules about things and there is no telling her that she is wrong.  This is going to be messy, but I'm glad to hear that I'm not alone and also sorry that you ladies are dealing with similiar issues.

rmasoka

Sighs...this is a tough one. I would have a really hard time going through with it, I suggest you or FI speak to them again. Either, they invite the spouses of your guests, or you just don't go through with it. Good luck

vk2204

Can you just tell her a number and have her plan for that?

If she is adamant about not inviting SO's I would decline her offer. There is no way I could go along with that.

I would have your FI talk to her because it is his mother. Good luck.

orangehills

She is definitely in the wrong on this one- it's completely against etiquette not to have significant others at the RD, as well as everyone involved in the wedding. If they need to be at the wedding rehearsal for whatever reason to pracitce their part in the wedding, they need to be at the dinner. If she refuses to host them- then tell her you'd rather host it yourself and have a cheap pizza party or something. Hopefully she'll come around though when she realizes how rude her idea is! I would recommend having your FI talk to her though and let her know how it is, instead of you- let him handle his mom! Good luck!

lpick21

First of all, I think your FI absolutely needs to be the one who lays down the law with her, rather than put you in a difficult position.

Maybe an area of compromise could be you invite spouses only, and not boyfriends/girlfriends? It just seems to me that married people are a packaged deal, period.

I had the exact opposite problem -- when we first got engaged my FMIL wanted to invite EVERY out of town guest + wedding party, family. That would have been well over 100 people. I had to have her golden-child son step in and say "that's not what we want." Helps that the restaurant we chose only seats 71, so there must be a limit.

LuckyGirl1713

Thanks ladies! I think I'm going to do what many of you said and have my FI talk to her first and see what happens from there.  We are going favor shopping with her next week so we'll see how everything turns out! Wish me luck!

orangehills

It should definitely be girlfriend/boyfriend, fiance, or husband/wife invited. Not just husband/wife- if you want to go by etiquette that is! Good luck!