Missouri-St Louis

Bridesmaid drama

My fiance & I recently started wedding planning. We have very few details firmed up, but our first chosen task was to ask our wedding party potentials if they would be a part of our day.
I asked one of my friends to be in my wedding party, and her response was "....really?" Not a "really?!", but a ".....really?", like I was asking her if she would care to lick my shoe. It was a really uncomfortable pause after that, so I told her that she didn't have to answer right then, and tried to give her an easy out to say 'no' by saying that I totally understand that being a bridesmaid is a lot of time and hassle, and I wouldn't be insulted or offended in the least if she declined. She ended it on something along the lines of "Ask me again when you have a set date" and rambled into something along the lines of a begruding "I'll be there for you if you need me".
Today, she sent an email saying she realized she may have been rude, and she would TOTALLY be in my wedding. Here's the thing: I would have been very understanding if she wasn't up to the time and money that goes into being in a wedding party. Her lukewarm begruding ok was much more awkward. My feelings & pride were hurt, and now I'm in the awkward position of having someone in the party who doesn't seem to want to be there. I'd much rather have a 'no' so that I could have asked one of my other friends who would have been excited, or at the very least, faked it.
Is there anything I can do? Am I stuck with a barely willing bridesmaid, or is there anyway I can get out of this with tact?

Re: Bridesmaid drama

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    edited December 2011
    I guess it would depend on how close you are?  Any kind of "un-asking" is going to hurt the relationship.  I am surprised that she gave such a wishy-washy answer!  If she didn't want to be there, she should have said something.  There's not really a nice way to ask her to step down. 

    I can imagine that she might try to back out of her duties somehow if asked to do anything.  You could just tell her that you are worried she feels obligated to be a bridesmaid for you by the way she responded the other day and you don't want her to feel like she has to do this for you. 

    If I were you, I'd be very frank with her (thats just the way that I am) and say that you really hoped your bridesmaids would be excited and happy to participate, and if she doesnt want to, you can find another person to step in. 

    But then again....that depends on your relationship!  LOL

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    image 99 Invited!
    image 45 Are Psyched!
    image 5 Are L0$3RZ
    image 49 Are MIA!
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    edited December 2011
    Alot of ladies aren't too excited about being bridesmaids.  You really have to pick them out very carefully if you are choosing to have them mainly because it can be a greater source of drama and stress, time and money that it really is worth.

    The bridesmaids that I picked out weren't all that excited either.  In fact my DH and I butted heads over one of them--because she was my teacher and she had a tendency to make things all about her.  On the day of, she did her duties just fine and it turned out one of the other guys he picked didn't.

    Think in terms of people you want to have contact with over the rest of your life as your bridesmaids.  I had a wishy washy answer from one that eventually bowed out due to career reasons.  In the end, it was no big deal.

    If all else fails, a bridal party is not essential--you and your FI are.

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    edited December 2011
    All better!
    I sent a very carefully worded email (because I'm awkward sometimes face to face) to say that I asked her because I value her as a friend, and thought she would be someone fun to share my day with, but that I know how very time consuming & tedius being a bridesmaid can be. I told her that I genuinely wouldn't be offended if she didn't feel like taking on all that responsibility, because when it comes down to it, I just want everyone to have a good time at my wedding, and jumping through a bunch of wedding party hoops when you don't really have the time would just add stress that I don't want any of my friends to have to worry about.
    She's still on board, she was just initially surprised to be asked, but has been very enthusiastic since. I feel so much better now- the last thing I want to do is stress out or alienate someone who I care enough about to ask to be in my wedding, and now I get to still have her in it and also feel relieved because she knows that she can decline if it wasn't something she was up for.
    Thanks for the advice!
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    edited December 2011
    I recently went through something like this as well. I asked a good friend of mine (one who listened and helped me when I was missing my fiance due to the distance etc) and when I asked her, she was like "Oh I don't know, if I can handle the stress!" SO I tried to assuage her concerns and told her that all she had to do was show up and wear a pretty dress, that it would be fun, and mean so much to me if she stood at the altar as I married my finace. She agreed and hugged me and everything seemed ok.

    Well some time has passed and the more I thought about it, the more I was not comfortable with how all of it went and I sent an email that I told her that it would be fine if she did not want to be in my wedding party and that there would be no hurt feelings. I told her how much I wanted her in my wedding but I wanted herto be comfortable as well.  As to be expected, she asked if maybe she could do something else. She said that in the 2 weddings she was in, she had a problem being on time, etc.

    Even though I said there would not be hurt feelings, it hurts a little bit, that this person means so much to you and you would not wnat anyone else up there with you, and when that person acts with less than expected excitement, it really takes you back and surprises you!

    The friendship is fine between us, but I felt the same way you did...i wanted someone who would be enthusiastic and excited to stand up there with me. Everything has worked out, I have asked another friend and she is so excited that I asked her and honored. Everything seems to be working out. Perhaps you can send your friend an email or take her out for a drink and have the discussion of letting her off the hook if she wants...but let her know you would like her in your wedding but you understand if she can't. Give it some time and then have a heart-to-heart about it.

    Let us know how it goes!!!!
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    edited December 2011
    Sorry I read your last post and you did do this!!!

    I'm glad that it all worked out!!!!! Keep us updated!!!
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