having the dreaded budget talk

larzhope04

Hey ladies,

as FI and I are beginning to think about putting some deposits down to secure ourselves a wedding date, we are finding ourselves in a little bit of a dilemma.

My parents have graciously offered to pay for our entire wedding (they said they will set a budget).  I have no issues with asking my parents their budget and working from that - we are extremely open about money.

FI's parents on the other hand, do not ever talk about money.  They don't know that my parents have offered to pay for everything (our families live 5 hours apart and have never met - we live 2000 miles from either of our parents). 

Should we just assume his parents aren't going to contribute anything and let my parents pay? or should we ask his parents if they plan to contribute?  If you think we should ask, any pointers are having that conversation?

sinnedambition

I would assume no one is paying for your wedding until you have the money in hand.

My mom offered us 5,000 (which we used for a downpayment on a house, our choice) and Fi's parents offered us 3,000.

3 months later, Fi's sister decides to get married 2 months after us and Fi's parents decide they are only giving us 1500. (which is still an amazing gift).

Fast forward to now: We have received 1000 from Fi's parents and don't expect to ever see the other 500.

jodyk23

I would say that unless FI is comfortable with asking his parents, that you should just assume that you aren't getting anything from them and proceed with the budget your parents have offered.

My FI's parents have not offered anything and my wedding is this Saturday, so I'm pretty sure we aren't getting anything from them. He wasn't comfortable with asking them, so that's fine. Each of my parents gave us $5k for a total of 10K which is enough money to have the wedding we wanted.

JandBFall2010

I probably wouldn't ask. If they wanted to help you out, they would have offered the money.

boogerbearoriginal

Ditto JandB - neither set of parents has any obligation to help you guys pay for the wedding. It was very generous of your parents to offer to pay but that in no way means the in-laws are going to do the same. IMO you guys shouldn't mention it - they will offer if they want to.

Also Sinned brought up a good point - don't count the money until its in your hand/the vendor is paid. A lot can happen over the course of planning - someone could get really sick, lose a job, etc. and the 'promised' funds never materialize.

Good Luck!

Julz629

They'll let you know what/if they want to contribute.  My parents offered to pay for the hall, DJ, flowers, and invites.  So we went ahead and started planning with that in mind.  As soon as we started meeting with venues, FILs came forward and offered to pay for their half.  My parents were very appreciative, as were we.

Unlike some of the brides here though, my parents haven't cut me a check or anything like that...  I have been making all the payments and every once and a while, they'll pay me their half back.  I am 99% confident that our parents are not going to back out on their offer.  However, I realize there is still a chance this could happen for whatever reason and FI and I would have to suck it up and cover those costs ourselves.

emarston1

You never ask for money.  If they want to contribute they will offer.  If they do not mention it, you do not ask.

ladysunkissed

In Response to <a href="http://detroit.weddings.com/main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_michigan-detroit_having-dreaded-budget-talk?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:88Discussion:0af1f429-c856-4f2a-a8d4-311d1e5d1544Post:53d3cdac-8f38-4025-8d2d-804e1a4ee546">Re: having the dreaded budget talk</a>:
[QUOTE]I would assume no one is paying for your wedding until you have the money in hand. My mom offered us 5,000 (which we used for a downpayment on a house, our choice) and Fi's parents offered us 3,000. [/QUOTE]

Agreed! We set our budget not expecting to receive anything and then my parents gave us $5,000 (we used what we had saved up for house repairs and my immigration paperwork). His parents then said they were going to give us $3,000, which completely floored us. However, this weekend, FMIL gave me the check with the stipulations: I have to plan and pay for the rehearsal dinner and invites with it, the flowers, etc., so it's not exactly $3,000 for the wedding itself. Whatever. I am thrilled to have it, because our wedding is essentially paid for now.

Sue-n-Kevin

All of the above is good advice.

Early in our planning process, I approached my Mom (we discuss money issues easily) and asked if she could pay for the venue rental ($1000). She gave me a check for that with the understanding that this would be all they would contribute.

My fiance's mother is a widow, and while she is comfortable financially, she has not made one mention of any assistance, and we have not asked. We don't plan to approach her, but suspect (although not guaranteed) that as the rehearsal dinner time arrives, she will offer as that is somewhat standard practice. But I'd leave that up to my fiance to broach.

We've opened a "wedding account" at my bank. I've put 2 bonuses in there, as well as my state refund. My fiance closed an old savings account & contributed that. We are using this for vendor deposits. As I have "extra money" here or there, I'm transfering it into that account, which is not often. But because our wedding is more than a year away, the opportunity for that account to grow is available.

I also am doing a TON of DIY projects, and buying things when I see them on sale, half off, or at companies going out of business. This includes my centerpieces, branches, candles, favors, other things that brides buy over time, but they are paid for and won't have to come out of our savings account.

Hopefully you have a good idea soon of how much you will have to work with and can plan accordingly. Just keep in mind everyone's situation changes (as has been pointed out) and it's not in the budget until it's in your hands.

larzhope04

Awesome, thanks. this was my thought as well and FI REALLY doesn't want to have the conversation with his parents so we are just going to let it lie.

My concern is that my mom (who has a tendency to be extremely judgemental) will pay for the wedding and then make little snide comments about how FI's parents didn't contribute.  I guess I'll cross that bridge when we get there and be grateful for whatever we receive in the meantime

spartychic2010

As soon as we were engaged, my parents very generously offered to pay for my dress and the entire reception.  FI and I are paying for everything else. FI's parents initially didn't offer us anything and just recently offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner as long as it was under $500. I don't think they have a concept of how much weddings really cost.  FI also has never brought it up with them.   A few weeks after that, FI's parents gave us $1,000 and told us that the rehearsal dinner was to  come out of that.  Then FI's mother told us to use the rest of the money to pay for tuxes and other wedding expenses for her family members.  So, we think we still have the $500 for the rehearsal dinner, but I wouldn't be surprised if she asks for that back as well.  (Don't even get me started!)
As previous poster said, don't count on anything until you've actually received it!