Michigan-Detroit
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How to bring up the subject of money?

Fiance and I are starting to plan the wedding. At first we were going to do something really small. Maybe 50 people and then do a backyard type reception. We just bought our dream house and are kinda on a tight budget. I have been married before, but he hasnt and he is the baby of the family...so his mom is having none of that. She wants a hall and all the bells and whistles. When fiance mentions that we cannot really afford that...she makes statements like "well if your not paying for it, then dont worry about". So tommorow we are meeting with our first hall to go over prices. I know we need to sit down and have a talk with her about how much she is planning on contributing...because that could choose the hall we rent. I just dont know how to bring it up.
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Re: How to bring up the subject of money?

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    lcsnowflakelcsnowflake member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    This is tricky.  I just dealt with this, but it was for the honeymoon.  I think the key is making sure you are gracious and come across that way.  Maybe just bring up that you have started looking at halls and then let FMIL know that it is important for you to know what her contribution will be in order to make any decisions.  Also, we found that we couldn't get a straight answer.  This was ok, because we were planning on paying for it ourselves to begin with, but not having a clear amount might be difficult for something as big as the reception hall.   
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    emarston1emarston1 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Normally, you would never discuss money unless the person offers.  Technically she hasn't offered any money but she's made some veiled references to it.

    Have your fiance talk with her, "blood talks to blood."  It's his mother so he should be having the conversation.  Have him indicate that you are starting to look at halls and she had previously mentioned possibly paying for at least a portion of the reception and how much is she comfortable with spending (if at all.) 

    Ultimately you should be prepared to pay for the entire wedding yourself in case things fall through.

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    edited December 2011
    Yeah, normally I would say don't bring up money.  BUT she is making you have a wedding you can't afford, so she needs to be really up front about if she is planning to pay for it and what she is planning to pay.

    You also need to be up front about what you are willing to spent (i.e. what you would have spent on the backyard wedding), and tell her it is the absolute limit.

    While you definitely need to be polite and gracious, I would even work out what she is paying for and when, and try to get the money up front.  If you lurk on the other boards here, they're full of stories of people whose parents said they would pay for things and then didn't; that's a a horrible situation for everyone. (Not saying your FMIL would necessarily do this, but I'm the type to plan for worst case scenarios).

    Is she coming with you to look at halls?  I might consider that for 1 or 2, so she can really understand what they cost.
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    missmelanie81missmelanie81 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Well she has a certain hall in mind, so I know for that one she is. I did fwd her the info that this hall on sat sent me. I hate talking about money. I just dred this convo sooo much, but I know it needs to happen.

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    MMRoberts11MMRoberts11 member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I would have your FI talk to her about it before you go to the venue.
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    edited December 2011
    Your FI needs to be the one to speak to her regarding this. If he is uncomfortable doing so I would suggest just planning for the wedding that you can afford.  If she is still insisting that you have certain things at the wedding your FI needs to tell her that the two of you can not afford it and since you are paying for it yourselves this is what you are doing.
    DS Born 12/21/11 #2 EDD 4/7/13
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    amyn1919amyn1919 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    OK...I literally just went through the EXACT same thing! My FI is also the baby of the family and i've been married before.. WOW... glad i'm not alone!

    Soo... since his family wanted  a big wedding, and we can't afford it, i left it up to him to talk to his parents about money and find out what our budget would be and I planned the wedding with that budget. I have asked his mom about any details she wants and have been respectful of them. There are a lot of things that are kind of wierd for me such as the guest list and a shower...Good luck and please don't hesitate to PM me!
    BabyFruit Ticker
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