I have a ISSUE/VENT - LONG

brobin01

How did you married gals handle this??

Okay, so I LOVE kids. I have a son and a $hit load of nieces and nephews so naturally kids have a special place in my heart, however I am catching slack from family and some friends about my wanting an “adult only” reception. I am allowing the kids at the wedding. I am allowing at the reception, my son, the two flower girls, and out of town guests that absolutely do not want to leave their children (some of FI’s family is from out of the country).Therefore, there will be about 13 kids under the age of 12 at the reception and I am totally fine with that. Both FI and I have huge families with a large amount of kids. If I allow everyone to bring their children, the guest list will go from 230 to 330!!! Which means my budget goes up for everything (food, linens, tables, etc). I am not willing to let that happen! I can’t let that happen because we simply don’t have the extra $$. So explain to me why people WANT to bring all of their kids to a wedding reception anyway?? There will be alcohol, candles everywhere and a chance to party. Would you take your kid to the club or a bar with you? No, you would find a babysitter or just not go! I have never taken my child to a wedding reception. I would only do that if I HAD to and if kids were absolutely not allowed, I would understand and I wouldn’t make a big fuss about it. To me, that is just common sense. Am I missing something? I feel like I am being reasonable with allowing the kids that really have to be there. I have no problem with that at all.  2^nd Vent: FI’s family and I were at a gathering on Saturday. Some of his family members were asking me if they could bring some of their friends to the reception. And I was shocked! I responded as calm as possible by saying sorry this is just for close family and friends (which is about 230 people). They looked at me crazy as if I was a bridezilla. Then his aunt says “well, we just found our long lost nieces and nephews from California and we are inviting them to the wedding”. I looked at her and said “I’m sorry, this is not a family reunion, this is a wedding reception. I also reminded her that I asked her and his mom for a list of names (8 months ago for the STD’s) and that was so we could get a number of how many people they would be inviting from his side. Sorry, that list did not include long lost 3rd cousins. I am so annoyed right now. I can see a huge falling out very soon with some folks and I am preparing myself for it.

mordacious

Just stick to your guns. You can't make everyone happy. I seriously can't believe they have the nerve to just go inviting people without asking you!

As far as kids, it kind of sucks that you have some coming and have to say no to others. I jut avoided this by not inviting ANY kids but you have to do what is best for you, which sounds like just telling them no and why. If they can't handle it then ohh well, not your problem.

spartychic2010

We got out of this by saying we can't invite anyone else because we are "at maximum capacity" as in, our venue cannot hold anymore people and we cannot invite more people that the maximum listed on our contract.  That seems to do the trick. 

I also refused to invite long lost realitives of my family or FI's.  This is our wedding day and I am not interested in celebrating with a bunch of people I do not know or have never met! 

Julz629

I'm sorry Brandi.  I don't have kids, but I know that I would definitely not want to take them to a wedding reception where all I want to do is eat, drink, and have a good time!  The only exception would be for siblings of ours.  Stick to it though, your family will deal. 

Heck, if you have 330 people (and 100 of them are kids), you might as well rent one of those bouncy things to go with your photobooth!

becandjim10

Im glad you mentioned this because people think we are insane for not allowing children also. The way we have handled it is this if pressed about it to the point that " We just cannot afford to pay for all the children also" then I will look at them point blank and say " its $84.75 a person at venue, + $1.75 a chair cover and for every 10 is a table linen, centerpeice, favors, candles, etc if you are willing to pay roughly $100 each kid then please send the cash with the RSVP and their name" that shuts them up. Ive only had 3 or 4 people seriously press this far. who both said they understood once I said that. Telling peope the budget cannot afford a bunch of children is usually a good enough reason although you would think you shouldnt have to give a reason since its your choice.

About the 3rd cousins, just let it go. FI's Mom keeps trying to invite random people and I just smile because their invitation will "get lost" in the mail because Ive asked her a bunch of times to stop adding.

boogerbearoriginal

Kids: That's a tough issue because if its no kids, then it should really be no kids (besides the wedding party because they are IN the wedding). Whether you set an age limit, like no one under 16 or a rule, like no second cousins or whatever. But I understand that people coming in from out of the country are different, and if I were your guest I would understand that. We invited no kids outside of FI's first cousins who are 14 so they can behave themselves and the wedding party. Luckily we haven't heard any negative things yet....

Inviting Friends: Ok that is just unacceptable. You don't bring friends along to a wedding reception. Duh. This isn't a backyard bbq, its a formal reception. And why does FI's Aunt think its appropriate for her to invite anyone to the wedding? Unless she's hosting, she has no say in the guest list unless you ask her and if you say no, then that's too bad.

allikl62

Ugg that SUCKS all around.  I agree with PP, just keep sticking to your guns.  Ultimately, this is a celebration for you and your FI, not his family and you should have the guests you want and those who are closest to you there.  Would it help at all to have FI discuss the situation with his family or do they just plain not care?

Or, you could always just tell anyone who wants to add to your guest list that they can gladly do it if they pay you the price of their dinner  lol.

catstoy73

You have every right to make your reception any way you want! You did the right thing and told them it was an adult reception. If they were paying for it then that would be a different story. They're not, so they need to get over their issue real quick. If they bring their kids, then they feel that someone else will look after them and they can enjoy the reception. Leave them home with a sitter and enjoy yourselves without your child/children!    We only had 1 couple say that if they couldn't bring their kids then they wouldn't be able to go. Dave told them then I'm sorry you will have to miss it (they eventually tried out several babysitters and found one they liked, so they could go to the wedding). I also had a very close friend bring their 3 kids to the wedding only (they were 4,7,11) and I didn't mind one bit.
As for the family saying they are inviting more people to the wedding and reception, ARE THEY NUTS!!!!  You were a lot calmer than I would have been. I probably would have told them that I didn't know they were paying for the wedding and had I known that I would have really gone all out and booked a few of the places and items I really wanted but couldn't because it wasn't in our budget. Finding long lost family is great but you don't invite them to a wedding where no one really knows them. Have a reunion later in the year.

Sorry you are going through this drama. I hope things go better for you.

brobin01

LMAO!! @ Julie!!

brobin01

you all are hitting some amazing and funny points and I appreciate all the feedback. yall just pray for a sista because some people just DON'T GET IT. I am def using the budget/capacity/price per person excuse. That will  shut these folks up that aren't contributing a DAMN penny to this wedding!

@ALLIKI..I have tried to talk to fiance about it. I shut his a$$ up b/c he said it wasn't fair that I had so many people and he didn't have as many as I did. Well I pulled ouy my spreadsheet and showed him that almost half of the list was a list of names his family provided. I told his A$$ that he has 75 spaces (I get 85, he gets 75 and my parents get the rest since they are PAYING for this. Most of my parents list include family)  we have already sent out save the dates to those folks that his family provided us with. I told him it is up to him who will receive the 75 invites and that it is on him if he and his family don't send invites to the people that received save the dates. I'm not dealing with it at all. That is their problem.

catstoy73

Brandi - Do you need me to have a chat with the family members that just don't get it???? 'Cause I will if I have to.

brobin01

@ Cat! LOL! no, I will handle it. They are about to see a not so nice side of me if they try me. Also, I have to get with you soon regarding wedding veil! yayyy!!

catstoy73

Ok. If you need back up let me know.

Just page me here or FB when your ready or at the next GTG.

brobin01

I will let you know girl! LOL Okay!

mink492

My favorite was DH's cousin calling a couple weeks before the wedding & saying "I'm going to need 3 seats now b/c I want to bring my best friend, I really want her to be there".

I will say that I planned on having no kids & we ended up with about 7 non-invited kids. I will also say that after the wedding, I have absolutely no patience for any of DH's family. They never cease to amaze me.

Sorry I don't have any helpful advice. Assclowns do what they want, regardless of what you ask them.

leeshab1982

We are having our 7 nieces and nephews and that's it.  We are really close with them and I can't imagine not having them there.  I counted and our guest list would increase by 50 if we invited everyone's kids and sorry, but I'm not willing to pay for that.  Not to mention, I've seen most of these kids maybe once or twice in my life.  They have no idea who I am, so I'm not quite sure why it'd be important for them to be at my wedding.  I had one person press the issue and I explained that our budget simply couldn't handle it.  It never went any further than that.  I'm sure that along the way, someone will be upset about it, but there's really no other choice.  I don't have an extra $2,000 so people can bring their precious little ones to an evening event with alcohol and loud music! 

So stick to your guns!!  You are not wrong here.  Sorry you have to deal with this stuff. 

brobin01

Mink! I can relate honey! I have a feeling, this is going to be my story.

ladysunkissed

I think you should stick to your guns. I have a girlfriend who got persuaded into allowing a few couples bring their kids (each couple had three kids) and NONE of them showed up! She had to pay for 15 people who did not show up after they begged her to allow children at her reception. Ugh!

brobin01

thanks leeshab! I agree.

culbycheese

The only kids invited to ours are our 7 nieces & nephews (I only have 1 niece! lol) and FI's two goddaughters. The ages range from 12 and under. We are not inviting any other children, regardless of age- including our cousins children. We also will be inviting whomever is responsible for taking said children home after dinner & some dancing, because who wants a 3-year old up until midnight or later?? I've already told FI he's on "Bad Guy" detail telling people they can't bring their miscellaneous guests or children.

The way I have- most likely temporarily- shut my mom down on trying to add people was by saying we were at capacity. but it sounds like your FIL's are not going to let that sway them.

Just stick to your guns, and let FI be the one to tell them no! Maybe if the kids can stay at someone's house and be babysat or something, that way you can avoid "well, so & so's kid is invited."

Good luck!

jodyk23

We are inviting everyone's kids to the wedding, but that only comes to an extra 30 guests and we were at 170 adults. I have alot of OOT guests that I don't think would come if I didn't invite their kids. But my MOH lives in Wisconsin and she's leaving her 3 kids with family 'cause she wants to have a good time. Doesn't anyone like an adult night out anymore?

Good luck with this!

mandanyrdreams

I feel like you can invite whom ever you'd like.That is tricky for those people who want to bring theirs kids,and see that there are other kids there.But I wouldn't worry about it.I was worried about it too,but now I'm kind of over it.If they have a problem oh well.I dont understand why people put up such a stink about having the kids there,get a babysitter and enjoy your night!!

I hope everything works out.I think you put eveything very nicely to them

Melgor78

Sorry to hear your having to deal with this.  Like pp said I'd stick your guns and just tell them you  have your reasons and there'll  just have to deal with it and if they don't like it than tough and if it keeps them from coming you'll know that they weren't really coming to be there for you.  Can't believe that ppl would just start inviting ppl like that.  It's a wedding and the ppl you invite are ppl that you want to spend this special day. 

My dad's aunt who I barely know wants to invite her daughters.  I don't know these ppl,  niether do my parents so why would I want them there.  These are my dad's counsin but he's met them a few times.  You do'nt invite ppl to a wedding just because.   I don't understand why ppl don't get that

scarywife1026

That's a bunch of cr@p! Oh....boy....I would have shown them the ugly side of Mo. I would break down the costs....so they get the 'whole picture'. For example, for an extra 100 kids, with pp cost, plus chair covers, table runners...you're probably looking at LEAST $1075 extra. That doesn't include extra CPs and any other table decorations you might have like candles. This also does not count the extra cost of the cake!!! So, you could be looking at closer to $1500 or more to add 100 kids who don't care about the food, the music, the cake...oh wait, and favors! Sh*t! Let's move that up to at least $2000 extra. lol

EFFF THAT!

And the Aunt....yea...who is she to decide WHO is coming to your wedding? You're right, it's not a family reunion!

brobin01

Thanks Mo!! I can hear you saying all of that! ha!! That's right! I am just over all of them. At the end of the day, I control the guest list and the invites. So we'll see what's up when tese people show up and they have to wait outside until dinner is over. LOL

corinne2010

Who the eff does that Aunt think she is? LOL at the family reunion part. It sounds like you've done pretty well with explaining these major no-no's to everyone. Are they that dense that they just don't get it?!? And as far as bringing friends, I cannot believe they actually thought they could do that!

The kids issue is tough. In the beginning we chose to invite only those that were over 18. FI has 6 younger cousins under the age of 16. I think the youngest one is 10 or 11. FMIL was p!ssed that we weren't going to invite them to the wedding. 4 of the 6 are from OOT. I just don't like the idea of a million toddlers running around causing chaos and tearing things down. But since they're older, we decided to include them.

I think you have to either invite all kids or no kids. We cut ours off to first cousins. If we invited 2nd cousins then our guest list would go up to 350! And then we would probably have to get one of those bouncy things like Julie said. I'm sure once we get invites out, my cousins will try to invite their kids and I'm totally prepared to go to battle with them LOL. I'm sure things will work out for you, Brandi. And hopefully your guests don't think its an open invite to whomever they want to come!

brobin01

Thanks Corinne! I am about to put my armour on and prepare for WAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sue-n-Kevin

OMG Brandi, I am LMAO at your post and all these responses.

You have to be "bad cop". Pure & simple. Frankly, I've never heard of anyone not paying for the wedding inviting other people, but it's possible it went on years ago, which may be where this is originating from your family. I remember going to a lot of weddings when I was a kid. You know, back when things were not this expensive.

Suggestions:

-Get to know one of Damian's big beefy friends who is coming to the wedding and pay him extra to play "bouncer" outside the venue. Seriously, if people can sneak into the White House for a state dinner, anything is possible. He can be the "master of ceremonies" and check the names at the door. Kind of like a swanky club has doormen.

-Send colored plastic wrist bracelets like they give you at Cedar Point or the hospital with the invitations, maybe in your wedding colors, enough for the people being invited. No wrist bracelet, no admission!

I'm just joking, as you probably know. But stick to your guns, and if he can't be the bad cop, you have to be. Our venue actually does have a limitof 100 people in the chapel & banquet room, so for us, it's a valid excuse. But you can use it too, no reason not to.

Good luck, and thanks for the laughs all.

brobin01

Thanks Sue for the laugh!! I might actually consider the wrist bands!! J/K.