FMIL!!!

mstnwalker

Let me begin by prefacing this by stating that my FMIL has, for the most part, stayed in her lane. Meaning she has not been overbearing, and has allowed my fiancé and I to plan our wedding as we see fit. In saying this, I also have to say that her communication with me has always been superficial to say the least. We speak, but she has never gotten to know me or anything about me of my family. While, on the contrast we have been there for her and her family, yet she can't even remember my mother's first name.

Moving on...my point in this post is to vent about how absolutely disgusted and irritated I am about her behavior at our tasting. We are having our wedding at a private social club in Detroit, and we decided to invite her as well as my mother to our tasting. Given the venue, it would seem as though one would present themselves with a certain demeanor and carry themselves with a certain level of decorum. And, let's face it; a tasting is just that, a tasting. It isn't meant to be a full meal. So, in understanding these circumstances please help me understand and cope with the way she acted....

It all started when she had entirely too much to drink for someone who can't tolerate one glass of wine. Then she proceeded to request seconds, continued to drink, and was loud and obnoxious at the table to the point where I couldn't even get a word in edge wise with my fiancé regarding our menu selections. At one point my fiancé did tell her that her behavior (I think it was the incessant talk about having seconds) was staring to annoy him. She was eating off of her knife, talking with a mouth full of food, and when she did go back for seconds she brought back two plates. To make matters worse, when we were leaving she went to the bartender and asked to take a can of pop to go. No one else was taking pops with them, nor was anyone else getting or requesting seconds.

I can't even begin to illustrate the way she acted in such a short post, but I am flabbergasted at the fact that she was not at all perceptive to the contrast in her behavior with the social setting that she was in. I am not sure if I am reading too much into this, or just being overly sensitive, but I was always taught that you adapt to your surroundings and act accordingly. I am worried that she is going to behave the same way, possibly worse, at my bridal shower and even worse at the wedding! Please, someone talk me off the ledge.

 

acaponi87

Woah..first off I wouldn't do ANYTHING for another 2 days because you need some time to cool off.

If after cool-off period has passed and you still feel this needs to be addressed, your FI needs to be the one to who talks to her. Based on how you've described your relationship with FMIL I think you addressing her behavior would be detrimental to your future relationship. 

She got drunk and acted like an ass...is it embarrassing where it happened? Sure. But I think we've all been there at one point or another.  I've been there many times actually, and quite a few times much worse than asking for a pop to go and chewing with my mouth open. And odds are, she knows she was out of line. Will she apologize? Probably not.  Is it worth confronting her about? I don't think so.

You can't control other people's behavior. There will be lots of people at your wedding/reception. You will drive yourself crazy if you start worrying about people's manners. Remember: their poor behavior reflects on them, not you.

mlynn1223

I agree a lot with Acaponi.  Her poor behavior is hers to carry, not you.  Nobody is going to think less of your because of her actions.  I would recommend taking time to cool off and talking to your fiance about it.  From there I would have him talk to her, since it is his mother.  Offer to talk together though if that might make him more comfortable.  

Is your FI the youngest, or only child?  I am by no means excusing the behavior but trying to understand it.  If he is the last one to get married, or even the first, she might not know how to emotionally handle the situation.  Her behavior is showing there is something deeper going on.  Perhaps talking to her about how she feels about the wedding and relieving some of her anxiety about you could be beneficial.  As you mentioned, she has not taken the time to get to know who you are as a person.  

Sue-n-Kevin

I didn't vote in your poll, because my answer is more nuanced. However, I do agree with acaponi87 that you need to simmer down and review your actions or lack of action.

I suspect there is a LOT going on behind the scenes in your FMIL's mind that you have no clue about. You don't say anything about her relationship with her son (your fiance), but I'd go out on a limb and say there is something between them that is coloring her behavior toward you and your family, as well as at the tasting. Is he an only child? Only son? First born? You may even know the answer and are having a hard time pinpointing it.

She can't handle one glass of wine, yet was inebriated. Insecure people often drink too much to overcome their insecurity: think of the guys at the bar that have to drink to "steel themselves" to ask a woman to dance. Their behavior afterward does not bely their insecurity, it just becomes worse because they know they are blowing it.

You are planning a classy wedding at possibly a classy venue, and my guess is she, her family, or just her beliefs about herself makes her feel she doesn't belong in some way in the picture. She may perceive you and your family as "high brow" (I'm not saying you are, just her perception), classier, more dignified. She is intimidated. She may also be exhibiting some or all of this behavior because she is afraid of losing her son to a (perceived) "better" life.

Her behavior was INEXCUSABLE, but it's what is driving the behavior that is the problem. I can't say if she even knows it, if she feels sorry, or has a drinking problem that no one is comfortable confronting her about. It even "annoyed" your fiance. Most people would not have been annoyed: they would have been humiliated.

My advice: your mother was there too. Talk to her about it. As a mother (which I am), I suspect your mom may have some insight into what your FMIL is feeling, or into why she acted as she did. I think the bulk of the talking over the next few days should be with your mom. That's what I'd do. I'd ask my Mom what could have caused this, what is your insight, and WHAT WOULD YOU DO? Moms love giving advice or insight when asked (I should know, and am probably your Mom's age). We Moms have had a lot of life experiences and since she was a witness to this, her advice is important.

Once you obtain some advice, talk to your fiance. It does not have to be confrontational, just discussion. His mom's behavior is not a "deal breaker" in my opinion. You can choose your friends, you cannot choose your family or your in-laws. Talk to your fiance about why he suspects she acted as she did.

Then, once all this is done, you do NOTHING. You obtain information into what may be working behind the scenes, there may be years of feeling insecure or over-protective of her son, and now she is "losing him" as he gets married.

People don't choose to act badly, insult themselves or others with their behavior. They don't know better, and if they don't know better by now, someone else pointing it out to them will not help. Excluding her from your plans, your fiance, or your life afterward may backfire. Proceed as a bystander, showing your compassion and understanding as a future daughter-in-law, wife and some day mother. Kind responses to unexplainable behavior goes a long way toward improving your standing and your future interactions.

Good luck.

Meegles4

These folks are wise, so I'd listen to them.

My short advice, which echos much of what's been said, is that your FI should deal with this. You really don't have much of a place to confront or openly criticize your FMIL, and if you do, it'll only make things worse. It's your FI's mom and if you/he choose to talk to her about this issue at some point, it will sound much better coming from him.

Milsey32

I agree with all that PPs mentioned.

Out of curiosity: Was the etiquette option a joke?

larzhope

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_michigan-detroit_fmil-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:88Discussion:85431c7e-d4f9-443c-8cc8-6747cc6ba77cPost:8782953d-34c8-4fcf-82df-632e356bc7c1">Re: FMIL!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with all that PPs mentioned. <strong>Out of curiosity: Was the etiquette option a joke?</strong>
Posted by Milsey32[/QUOTE]

I was hoping this was a joke too Milsey.  If not, OP, take a good long hard look in the mirror - really?

MrsGilliatt

I didn't read all of the responses - but I was going to vote for the etiquette class...

In reality you should probably start by having your fiance deal with her.  If you react it might be just what she was hoping for - don't let her win. 

Maybe she was drunk - but I don't see how that can be an excuse for her behavior.  You don't get drunk at an event like this in the company she was in - and for the occasion in which she was a part of. 

The relationship I have with my future mother in law is such that I would address this behavior with her directly - and likely with a side trip to the lobby or ladies room at that moment - but it sounds like it might be best filtered through your fiance for the time being.

My advice is simple - make sure she stays in her lane and keep her in check going forward.  This should be easy to do - just avoid inviting her to more appointments unless absolutely necessary (like a rehearsal dinner meeting, etc.) 

I feel for you - and don't think those who responded "you should calm down" are understanding how severely embarrassing this must have been.  As your guest, her actions and behavior (really - a can of soda to go??) are a reflection of your family as it sounds like they are members of this club.  I hope your mother wasn't too offended!!!