Just Venting (long)

mlynn1223

This is just a venting post because I am annoyed.  I currently live in Yuma AZ but my FI and I are from Michigan so the wedding will be in Southern Michigan June 9th.  We were engaged Dec. 23, 2010.  I have three bridesmaids: my sister (MOH), my cousin and his sister.  My sister and cousin have been nothing but horrible this entire time.  Both are in graduate school (so am I) and my sister has an 18 month old.  I understand everybody is busy but if you could not commit to doing wedding stuff then you should have declined.  The bridesmaid dresses came in and I asked my sister to e-mail me some pictures since I cannot see them.  She tells me, "I'm very busy so don't know if I will have time."  My FSIL has been amazing throughout and will be sending me the pictures.  My sister (MOH remind you) was "to busy" to do anything for the bridal shower and even told me she did not know if she would be able to make it (she did end up coming).  However, she did not send invitations to my adult relatives who live on their own which irritated me.  She also did nothing for the planning, my FMIL and FSIL did the whole planning.  My sister has recently told me that she does not want to come to my bachelorette party because we are going wine tasting across southern Michigan and she does not like wine.  I explained she does not have to drink just come for the food and company.  She has not given me an answer.  Mind you, I am flying in two weeks early for the wedding so that my sister and cousin can participate in the bachelorette party (which my FSIL planned because again, my sister does not have time).  Recently, my sister has said that she might not make the rehearsal or dinner because "I have to study."  I asked if she could study the day before.  She replied, "the test is Friday, I always study the night before."  I am so irritated and just want to tell her to not come at all.  Am I being over sensitive or pushy?  Perhaps I'm just looking for support, my FI says "F*** her (them)."  I want to, but they are both family, particularly my sister.  Thanks for letting me vent.  

sasharene

Aww I'm so sorry.  I completely understand where you are coming from.  This is the only time in your life you get to do these special things (hopefully) and you want your sister to be part of them. She should be putting in more of an effort.  She may not realize she is doing anything wrong, but I understand why it is hurting your feelings.  If I were you, I'd have a serious talk with her about how she's making you feel and tell how important it is to you that she's excited to be a part of everyhing.  Sorry you're having a hard time   Hope it gets better!

larzhope

Unfortunately, the only things bridesmaids *have* to do is show up to the wedding in the dress you've asked them to wear.  I do think you're being a little oversensitive and a little pushy.  I understand that this is your wedding and the most important focus in your life, but it's not the biggest/only thing going on in their lives.

If she can make it to the bachelorette party, fabulous.  If not, no big deal.  I didn't even really have a "real" bachelorette party because I live in Seattle, and had to do it the same weekend as my two bridal showers (one in Chicago, one in Michigan). One of my bridesmaids wasn't able to fly out from Seattle and my MOH literally gave birth to twin baby girls 5 days later so she was uncomfortable, huge, and didn't stay long.  It was still FABULOUS. 

I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm just trying to bring you back to reality.  In the end - is it really going to matter how the dress looks on your sister?  It's purchased and done, so that's what she's wearing.  I only saw one of my bridesmaids in her dress before the wedding day (they all chose different styles).  The day still went on!

I know it seems like all of this stuff is !SO IMPORTANT! but being on the other side I can tell you that the day of your wedding, it won't matter.  Little things will go wrong, you'll still have the best time of your life, and these people are still your family and friends and I'm assuming you still want them to like you after the weddintg is over. Think of your long term relationship and less about a one-day party.

emarston1

Based on what you've described, I don't think they have done anything "horrible."  Horrible would be if she slept with your fiance.  Not wanting to go winestasting because she doesn't like wine?  Not horrible.

I think you need to adjust your expectations.  No one in the bridal party (or anyone for that matter) has to throw you a shower or a b-party nor is attendance mandatory.  Of course it would be awesome if they do choose to do these things, but if they can't, they can't.   When it comes down to it, a bridesmaid has two duties:  buy the dress and stand up with you on your wedding day.  Anything in addition to that is just a bonus.

If she is in grad school and has a todder, that's a lot of work and unfortunately her everyday life does take priority over your wedding.  Do I think it's a little lame that she'll miss the rehearsal and RD because she has to study?  Absolutely because that is something that is actually for the wedding party.

And I think your attitude of "if they can't do stuff for me, they shouldn't be in my wedding party" is misguided.  Ideally you should choose people to be in your wedding party whom you are closest to and who you want to stand up with you when you are getting married not who can do the most for you throughout the planning process.

I get that you are frustrated.  The wedding industry tells brides that this is the most important day of your life and everyone should be doing everything for you and should be ecstatic to do so.  IT'S YOUR DAY!  But that's not real life.  Wedding party members have lives of their own and they can't revolve around party planning.  Come here if you need to vent, that's what we are here for, but make sure to remember the big picture!

Meegles4

Ditto what Liz and Larz said. I can tell you I've had moments like you're describing where I feel like people aren't paying attention to MY! BIG! DAY! but you just have to remember we all have our own worlds going on and it's very easy to get stuck in them, even if one of our loved ones should be receiving our attention.

For example, a good friend of mine had a baby a few months ago. She used to live 2 blocks away, now she lives about 10 miles away. I saw the baby a week after he was born, but haven't seen him or her since mostly because it's inconvenient. I'm sure she wishes friends like me would pay attention to her and visit her while she's holed up with a newborn, which is a pretty exciting and life-changing event. I'm feeling really badly about it, but, well, I've got a lot going on in my world.

Perhaps it's like that with your sister. She's got a lot going on. Maybe she wishes you cared more about your niece/nephew and less about the wedding. Because in her world, that's what matters, just like in your world, the wedding matters. Neither of you are wrong, it's just life.

You can definitely have those moments of wanting to strangle friends/family, but you just need to breathe through it and remember that it's just a day, and when the rubber meets the road, you really will have a wonderful wedding day and be showered with tons of love and affection. And even then, if your sister is still a PITA, there will be other people to make up for her lack of enthusiasm.

Sue-n-Kevin

ITA with the observations directly above. I'm a more *mature* (read: middle aged) wife now, and while our wedding was exciting, I looked at it a lot differently. One of my BM had a daughter who's baby shower was the Saturday before the wedding, the day we were going to have my Bachelorette party.....oh well. That was more important, and something I totally understood.

It really is hard to separate yourself from the picture of what the wedding industry says SHOULD be happening. Ideally every one else's life is available for you to schedule all the things you want before your wedding and there are no conflicts. But that isn't real life. I have found in my life it is much easier to just be understanding, accomodating and let things flow where they will. I'm not saying you are not being accomodating, just that you can't control everyone else, and it's important to keep this in mind: No one will be as excited about your wedding day as you are.

I agree: come here and vent if you want. Many of us have already been through what you are going through, or have yet to go through. Planning a wedding long distance is really hard, and you get to feel sorry for yourself for a brief time, then move on.

mlynn1223

I appreciate all of your feedback, and allowing me to vent.  After a couple of days have passed and reading feedback I feel a little less annoyed.  It is hard to keep things real when you just want everything to go well.  Some of it I did not realize would be a big deal, like sending a picture.  I just wanted to make sure the dresses were what we ordered and the color, it didn't even need to be on.  Perhaps though that is a big deal for her and I can be a little more patient.  I am sure everything will be great, just being a little anal retentive right now.  Thanks again!  

larzhope

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_michigan-detroit_just-venting-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:88Discussion:94743928-d1d3-47ad-a601-e81de4cc21adPost:43336abb-a224-4e0d-a37a-d62b0221fbd5">Re: Just Venting (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I appreciate all of your feedback, and allowing me to vent.  After a couple of days have passed and reading feedback I feel a little less annoyed.  It is hard to keep things real when you just want everything to go well.  Some of it I did not realize would be a big deal, like sending a picture.  I just wanted to make sure the dresses were what we ordered and the color, it didn't even need to be on.  Perhaps though that is a big deal for her and I can be a little more patient.  I am sure everything will be great, just being a little anal retentive right now.  Thanks again!  
Posted by mlynn1223[/QUOTE]

You are always welcome to vent here, and we'll always be honest with you (good or bad).  Like Liz said - we have all had these moments so we understand what you're going through and we've relied on the ladies on this board to validate us or bring us back to reality when need be.  I am typically a HUGE control freak but told myself from the beginning of planning to let everything roll off, that I couldn't cotrol everything - it made planning my wedding from Seattle so much less stressful (that's not to say i didn't have my fair share of freak out moments just like this!)