6 days away and Major Drama....

mlynn1223

I need to just vent and I honestly want your opinions.  I had my bachelorette party yesterday and I had a great time!  UNTIL the drive home when it was just my sister and FMIL.  FMIL asked my sister if she had purchased my nieces dress for the wedding.  My sister said no that she was not coming.  My FMIL went off the deep end and in the end started yelling, literally yelling at me, in the car.  She was going on about how "you are wrong," "you cannot do this" etc.  Now, the thing is that my niece is invited to the ceremony so we can get pictures then I simply ask that she go home.  We wanted an adult reception.  This way we still get pictures and we don't mess up her sleeping schedule which my sister does not do!  She goes to bed at 7.  The ceremony is at 5:30 which means she would need to leave by 6:30 as it is.  My sister did try to explain that she did not feel it was worth it for such a short time period.  My FMIL still insists that I am wrong, I was not raised right (she actually told me that), that in 20 years my niece is going to look back at the photos and ask why she wasn't there then not invite us to her wedding.  I went inside at this point.  FI came in about 30 minutes later and said he was not going to listen to her anymore and that she was making threats that he would not even tell me about.  I heard FMIL and FFIL talking through the window about how to approach us today in regards to this matter.  

So.  What are your thoughts on this matter?  I feel I have done everything I can.  I offered for her to come to the ceremony and do pictures.  If my sister chooses not to bring her then how is that my fault?  Are any of you brides who are having an adult reception making exceptions for children?  I'm so fing pissed right now, still, in the morning, that I am upstairs because I don't even want to sit down there with them.  Any thoughts, ideas, suggestions I would appreciate.  I'm thinking I might go talk to my sister sometime today.  

Sue-n-Kevin

Wow, I'm so sorry you are going through this drama a week before your wedding.

Variety, and family differences make the world go around. Not every family looks upon this particular situation the same way. However, I suspect your FMIL is taking this opportunity, presumably as the "female head" of your fiance's family to make it clear for future reference (ie when you have kids) as to how she feels about family situations surrounding weddings.

There are a couple of issues surrounding your niece's attendance at the wedding:

- you want an adult only reception
- your sister doesn't want her daughter's bedtime schedule changed to accomodate her attendance at your wedding.

I suspect your FMIL is more upset about the first reason than the second. Possibly she perceives your "adult only" thoughts about a wedding as different from her family's traditions. She is afraid this will impact her son's views on how their family "has always done it".

Your sister isn't marrying into your fiance's family, you are. I'd say have your sister take the hit, you can point fingers at her, say it's her desires and wishes, and leave it at that. I would go out on a limb and say it's possible your FMIL has heard some grief from that side of the family about their kids not being invited........I may be wrong. She is taking it out on you at a vulnerable time when it's so close to the wedding. But opinionated people often choose bad times to express their opinions. I am sure she's probably not doing this vindictively, just trying to express an opinion so you know how it works in "their family" for future reference.  

Let your fiance stand up for what I presume is a joint decision on your parts to not have children attend. You need to make a united front. And I caution you to NOT overreact and wallow in sorrow about it. Trust me, it is the first of many times you as a couple will deal with "in-law troubles" from both sides. Merging families is not easy.

Just remember how much you love your fiance and that in a week's time this will all be behind you and you will be married to the love of your life and facing all issues together. While you will see them often during the week coming up to the wedding, once your fiance has staked his & your ground on the issue, let it go. If it comes up again, be cordial and firm, then walk away.

There is a saying on the Second Wedding board about these situations. It's called the "bean dip" discussion. When someone expresses an opinion you disagree with, rather than get excited about it, change the topic. For example, if you are sitting with someone and eating bean dip, and they say something you don't like that would get you upset, say "isn't this bean dip amazing? I must get the recipe!" Turn the topic toward an inane subject and don't give anyone the opportunity to get you upset.

Good luck dear. I'm sure it will work out.

AmyNoelle

Wow Lynn, sorry you have deal with this so close to your day!  We have the same wedding day, by the way  

We have an adult only reception also, except for the ring bearer and flower girls.  Also, FI's goddaughter is 16 so we felt she should be invited, then of course we couldn't exclude her 14 year old sister since mom and dad are his cousins and obviously also invited.

I think your MIL must have some issues that go way beyond your niece to be acting like that.  What business is it of hers what your family does or doesn't do?  That's between you and your family.

I just don't get it......

ermjdecember2015

Ohhh you poor thing! Tell her to shove it! We are also having an adult reception. Im not paying $50 for a 5 year old to eat and drink nothing all night. Your sister was totally on board, thats all that matters! Jeeze, Im sorry you had to have that ruin your night. I know my FMIL drives me INSANE as well! Just do what you were doing, tell her not to worry about it and its not her concern. Speak up for yourself! Ive found that by sticking up for myself, and my FI sticking up for me, its lessened the drama completely.

sparkles776

I think the PPs gave you great advice. If it is your desire to have an adults only reception, that do it. However, the wedding I went to last night, the flower girl and the ring bearer were the only 2 children there and they were having a great time.

hjewell29

Oh gosh that sucks!  Was your FMIL drinking or in some kind of inebriated state when she said those things? I find some people tend to throw a fit about the smallest things, especially during wedding planning, which can be stressful on more than just the bride and groom. I would feel most hurt about her yelling at you and stating that you were raised wrong. I think she owes you an apology for what she said and her behavior. As far as the niece thing goes that is between you and your sister and none of your FMIL business. Did you have "adult reception" on your invites? If you did your FMIL would have known before. 

Keep your chin up girl and don't let this ruin anything for you! You are 6 days away from marrying your man so don't let ANYONE rain on your parade

mlynn1223

Thanks everyone.  I apprecaite the support.  I went and sat down with my sister this morning just to make sure she wasn't upset.  She explained that she knows my niece is invited to the ceremony and for pictures but it would just be easier for everybody for her not to go.  She is not upset.  She thinks it is a little weird for us to have an adult reception but if that is what we want then she is fine.  Her husband is actually excited to have a night without the daughter.   

FMIL finally listened to FI (who did stick up for me and our adult only reception).  Apparently she did not hear us (didn't listen) when we told her that the niece is invited but my sister is choosing not to bring her.  My sister even explained this in the car last night but FMIL was so worked up she did not hear it.  Once she actually listened to this she was fine.  However, she refuses to apologize to me because she does not feel she did anything wrong.  FI told me that everything is great and to be happy.  Right now i'm still pissed and think she should apologize for everything she said to me.  I know in a couple of days I will get over it.  I'm to the point right now that I am ready for the wedding to be here.  

To top things off, our AC in AZ broke.  Ready to be home.   

aloisk57

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_michigan-detroit_6-days-away-and-major-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:88Discussion:b3f8cd04-c8de-44ab-bce2-0d2880a7ebddPost:68157800-e21d-4317-8c6f-1a9eda35a2b0">Re: 6 days away and Major Drama....</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks everyone.  I apprecaite the support.  I went and sat down with my sister this morning just to make sure she wasn't upset.  She explained that she knows my niece is invited to the ceremony and for pictures but it would just be easier for everybody for her not to go.  She is not upset.  She thinks it is a little weird for us to have an adult reception but if that is what we want then she is fine.  Her husband is actually excited to have a night without the daughter.    FMIL finally listened to FI (who did stick up for me and our adult only reception).  Apparently she did not hear us (didn't listen) when we told her that the niece is invited but my sister is choosing not to bring her.  My sister even explained this in the car last night but FMIL was so worked up she did not hear it.  Once she actually listened to this she was fine.  However, she refuses to apologize to me because she does not feel she did anything wrong.  FI told me that everything is great and to be happy.  Right now i'm still pissed <strong>and think she should apologize for everything she said to me</strong>.  I know in a couple of days I will get over it.  I'm to the point right now that I am ready for the wedding to be here.   To top things off, our AC in AZ broke.  Ready to be home.   
Posted by mlynn1223[/QUOTE]

Be the bigger person and let it go, really. Honestly, it seems like there has been quite a bit of drama regarding your wedding, so I hope you can just take a deep breath, chill out, and have a great time on your big day and during the time leading up to it. Letting all these little things get to you and trying to control every. little. detail. is just going to drive you insane. I feel bad that you're ready to be home....it's the week before your wedding! Live it up and enjoy it, you only get one of these (hopefully) and you should be cherishing this time.

Meegles4

How old is your niece?

We wanted an adult reception as well, but there was no way we wouldn't have included our niece and nephews in the festivities. We also have lots of friends with kids, and those kids weren't invited, but there was no way we would have excluded our niece and nephews. And they had a fabulous time, we got such great shots of them tearing up the dance floor.

I hate to go against the grain here, but your FMIL has a point as to why the niece isn't coming to the whole thing. I get wanting an adult only affair, but I think there are exceptions to the rule when it comes to immediate family. Why dress a little kid up and parade them around and then not let them come for the fun part?

HOWEVER, I think your FMIL was really sh*tty in how she broached the subject with you, and you're right to be upset about that. I also think that depending on the niece's age (sounds like she's young), that I can understand why your sister doesn't want to mess with it. And FMIL should've listened and understood this wasn't just about you not wanting children at the reception, this was a decision that your sister agreed with.

MrsGilliatt

Well I guess I'm too little too late...but I hope you stuck to your guns.

Your FMIL was invited to the Bachelorette party and acted like a child.  She ruined it.  Hence you not wanting actual children at your wedding. 

Hope you had a beautiful day (we all know the weather was perfect)!!!!