Devistated - Possible Delay

PhoneCardLady

When I got engaged back in August, FI said that he wanted to be married by the end of this year.  I felt this was reasonable.

Well on Sunday I sat down with him and told him that we really needed to set a date.  He said that we really need to get to know each other better and that perhaps we should put it off until 2013.

I didn't see this one coming.

Meegles4

I'm so sorry this happened. I completely understand where you're coming from, but I know from your previous posts that he's seemed a bit wishy-washy on the whole engagement thing.

I think, if you haven't already, you guys need to sit down and discuss what being "engaged" really means. If in his mind, it's really just an extended form of dating, with no clear end point/marriage in sight just yet, you need to know that so you can determine whether you want to stick around or not. It sounds like he is sort of viewing it this way, while you have viewed it as a true engagement that ends in a marriage that is imminent instead of some date TBD.

Good luck clearing things up!

emarston1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_michigan-detroit_devistated-possible-delay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:88Discussion:b5ed3fed-595a-4ce1-8d4a-2098252ba0bdPost:9bdfe10f-79fd-48c6-b544-bd4b7e4817b3">Re: Devistated - Possible Delay</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm so sorry this happened. I completely understand where you're coming from, but I know from your previous posts that he's seemed a bit wishy-washy on the whole engagement thing. I think, if you haven't already, you guys need to sit down and discuss what being "engaged" really means. If in his mind, it's really just an extended form of dating, with no clear end point/marriage in sight just yet, you need to know that so you can determine whether you want to stick around or not. It sounds like he is sort of viewing it this way, while you have viewed it as a true engagement that ends in a marriage that is imminent instead of some date TBD. Good luck clearing things up!
Posted by Meegles4[/QUOTE]
Meegles gives some excellent advice, please listen to it.  You both are not on the same page in your relationship and the only way to come to an agreement is to talk about it.  You may also want to consider premarital counseling.  I'm a fan of it for every engaged couple and I think it could do you guys some good.

Has he told his mother yet about the engagement?  If not, I see this as a <em>huge</em> red flag.  You've been engaged since August, enough is enough.  If he isn't able to share your relationship with his family, I don't think he is ready to get married and the responsibilities that come with that.  I don't say this to be mean, I truly am concerned about you and I don't want to see you get hurt.  Ultimately if you are to be husband and wife, you both need to make the other the priority which it doesn't seem like he has.

LOTON01

I agree with what everyone has said. You two really need to talk and get on the same page. 

Sue-n-Kevin

I am sorry to hear this happening. I totally understand the hurt you are feeling.

Getting married is a big deal..........bigger to some than others. It sounds as though he's not necessarily saying you are not the one, just that maybe he feels rushed. I don't remember your exact circumstances, but trust me, waiting sounds like an excellent idea.

I also agree with counseling, if not for both of you, at least for you. You need to come to terms with what is happening between you by looking at it with fresh eyes.

From your picture I can see you are an older couple. So are Kevin and I. Getting married may be different for us more, ahem, seasoned people. We presumably have more "stuff", but also more difficulties sorting through the lifetime of issues than a younger couple may have. Trust me when I say this: in spite of knowing Kevin for 4 years before we married last August, there are now things we are being confronted with in family situations that I never thought would happen. It is a learning experience. When you marry, and you have material possessions, those things become impacted by the marriage itself. These are things that younger people often don't have to deal with because they haven't worked as long, or accumulated as much.

Talk it all through. Talk about what getting married means to each of you. Talk about what happens after you get married. If this situation is not one that should result in marriage, but you still love each other, find out what that means to YOU, as we only know and care about you, then decide how you want to proceed.

Trust all of us: we only care about what is best for you and want to see you in the best possible situation.

Good luck.

matuofm

I hesitated writing a response to your situation, because I don't want to come off as unfeelingly harsh or to cause you any distress.  But you've had some varied responses from other people, so I think I'm going to throw my two cents in here now.

I think that you need to end this engagement.

I realize that it's easy for me to say that since I'm not the one in the situation, and that I'm not on the inside to see everything.  But here's what I HAVE seen:

-   In the time that I've been on this board, I don't think I've ONCE seen you describe something nice that your fiance has done for you.  You talk all the time about little gifts you're getting for him, or little sweet things you're doing for him, but I've never seen you mention him reciprocating.  Maybe he does, but the fact that you never mention it seems telling to me.

- It took him forever to propose after you talked about wanting to be engaged.  He kept you waiting long after you were uncomfortable about the delay.  And when he DID propose, he insisted that you keep it a secret.  From his mother, from your friends and loved ones.  Like Liz said, as far as we know, that situation hasn't changed.  He's keeping you and your relationship secret.  And he's forcing you to do the same, despite your discomfort and misery, without caring about that discomfort and misery.  Something is very wrong there. 

-  "Forcing" is a key word here.  From everything that you've said about your relationship, it seems like you've given him all the power.  You put your own needs aside to do what he wants, even when it makes you miserable.  He calls all the shots in your relationshp, and you have to do what he wants or suffer the consequences.  How many times have you written, saying that you two had a disagreement and now he won't answer your calls or texts - FOR DAYS?  This is controlling, manipulative behavior, and it's unhealthy on both your parts.  When he's displeased with your behavior, he punishes you.  That's a character trait that I don't see anyone changing easily - and that's assuming that they WANT to.

- Now he says you need to know each other better before getting married.  Heck, before even talking about setting a date.  You don't propose to a person until you feel that you know them and want to marry the person that they are.  You are engaged.  He should want to marry you.  And he doesn't.  At least not present you.  He seems to want to marry future you, who he will have completely memorized and approved every inch of.  This isn't about "you guys getting to know each other better," like it's some favor he's doing you by making your relationship stronger.   This is for HIM.  This is about him testing you for flaws.  He's reserved you with a ring, and now he's laid down a bet that by the time the wedding comes around, he'll have discovered you to be the person he wants to marry, or he will have turned you into that person.  You deserve better than to be someone's wager.  You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you now - not someone who hopes he'll want to be with you in a couple of years.

You deserve better than this.  In your shoes, I would end the relationshp altogether.  But at the very least, I would counsel that you end the engagement with the understanding that he can propose again when he actually wants to get married.  Meaning, to plan a wedding.  A concrete event with an actual date.  With the exception of him actually popping the question, I have not seen you mention a single thing about your engagement that makes you happy - only things that make you miserable.  We all want you to be happy, and this just isn't it.

MMRoberts11

I agree with everyone else.  I think you both need to sit down and talk about things either just the two of you or with a therapist. 
You have known each other for years and after all you've done for him he now says this?  I think something else is going on in his head that needs to come out before you take the next step.

entropicbeauty

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_michigan-detroit_devistated-possible-delay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:88Discussion:b5ed3fed-595a-4ce1-8d4a-2098252ba0bdPost:c4a17128-4d83-4111-bf08-9c8321436f1b">Re: Devistated - Possible Delay</a>:
[QUOTE]I hesitated writing a response to your situation, because I don't want to come off as unfeelingly harsh or to cause you any distress.  But you've had some varied responses from other people, so I think I'm going to throw my two cents in here now. I think that you need to end this engagement. I realize that it's easy for me to say that since I'm not the one in the situation, and that I'm not on the inside to see everything.  But here's what I HAVE seen: -   In the time that I've been on this board, I don't think I've ONCE seen you describe something nice that your fiance has done for you.  You talk all the time about little gifts you're getting for him, or little sweet things you're doing for him, but I've never seen you mention him reciprocating.  Maybe he does, but the fact that you never mention it seems telling to me. - It took him forever to propose after you talked about wanting to be engaged.  He kept you waiting long after you were uncomfortable about the delay.  And when he DID propose, he insisted that you keep it a secret.  From his mother, from your friends and loved ones.  Like Liz said, as far as we know, that situation hasn't changed.  He's keeping you and your relationship secret.  And he's forcing you to do the same, despite your discomfort and misery, without caring about that discomfort and misery.  Something is very wrong there.  -  "Forcing" is a key word here.  From everything that you've said about your relationship, it seems like you've given him all the power.  You put your own needs aside to do what he wants, even when it makes you miserable.  He calls all the shots in your relationshp, and you have to do what he wants or suffer the consequences.  How many times have you written, saying that you two had a disagreement and now he won't answer your calls or texts - FOR DAYS?  This is controlling, manipulative behavior, and it's unhealthy on both your parts.  When he's displeased with your behavior, he punishes you.  That's a character trait that I don't see anyone changing easily - and that's assuming that they WANT to. - Now he says you need to know each other better before getting married.  Heck, before even talking about setting a date.  You don't propose to a person until you feel that you know them and want to marry the person that they are.  You are engaged.  He should want to marry you.  And he doesn't.  At least not present you.  He seems to want to marry future you, who he will have completely memorized and approved every inch of.  This isn't about "you guys getting to know each other better," like it's some favor he's doing you by making your relationship stronger.   This is for HIM.  This is about him testing you for flaws.  He's reserved you with a ring, and now he's laid down a bet that by the time the wedding comes around, he'll have discovered you to be the person he wants to marry, or he will have turned you into that person.  You deserve better than to be someone's wager.  You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you now - not someone who hopes he'll want to be with you in a couple of years. You deserve better than this.  In your shoes, I would end the relationshp altogether.  <strong>But at the very least, I would counsel that you end the engagement with the understanding that he can propose again when he actually wants to get married.</strong>  Meaning, to plan a wedding.  A concrete event with an actual date.  With the exception of him actually popping the question, I have not seen you mention a single thing about your engagement that makes you happy - only things that make you miserable.  We all want you to be happy, and this just isn't it.
Posted by matuofm[/QUOTE]

I agree with all of this - the longer you let him string you along, the worse you'll feel if you have to end it later down the road. One of you has to be the adult, you need to stand up for your feelings.

Milsey32

Don't deny the situation. My FIL ... who's not a great guy ... was engaged 2 years ago and was cheating. DH and I knew it (but FIL denied it) and his FI didn't want to admit it because she really wanted to get married, but I had to confront her about the situation a few times. The new woman is just his "friend" but they've been together for the past 2 years now and she even came to our wedding (they live in OH, btw). Sooo... yeah...  don't deny anything. Go to counseling. Find out what's up. See how he truly feels. If it's not meant to be, don't force it. 

Sorry for your hard times, Rhonda! :-/