Michigan-Detroit
Options

FBIL and BM vent... I am so angry... XP on Moms and Maids

So last night my FBIL came up to me in the kitchen and said "Jess wants to know what she'll be wearing in the wedding."  I explained that though it wouldn't be a formal affair, I do expect her to be in a dress or skirt, since she is a BM, and we wil be in a church meetinghouse, and that is dresscode. 
 
FBIL:  "She doesn't have a skirt."
Me:  "We'll have to change that." (laughing a bit at this point.)
FBIL: *Huffing and setting his jaw* "If you try to change her, I WILL KILL YOU!"

At this point, I stood up a little straighter, stepped away from FI, and said "I'm not doing this for me, Joe.  If she is going to be so darned uncomfortable in a skirt for one day of her life, then she doesn't need to be in my wedding.  You and I both know, that is the dress code of the church, and I WILL NOT have a bridesmaid standing beside me in pajama pants on my wedding day!  I do NOT appreciate having my life threatened because I offered to buy your tomboy girlfriend a skirt, and at no point did I say anything about changing her as a person.  I am going to bed, and this conversation is over."

Was I wrong?
December 18, 2010!!! Never thought I would be a winter bride; just hoping we don't get snowed in until AFTER the wedding!

Re: FBIL and BM vent... I am so angry... XP on Moms and Maids

  • Options
    edited December 2011
    LOL, wow...

    No, I think you gave the perfect response.  His comment was out of line and you stood up for yourself.  Good for you!  
  • Options
    Julz629Julz629 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011

    By BM, do you mean Best Man -- or Bridemaid.  I am trying to figure out whether the FBIL is the best man or whether his tomboy girlfriend is a bridesmaid.  I think it's the former...

    And regarding her, can't she wear a nice pair of slacks with dress shoes?  Does the dress code really mandate that she wear a SKIRT???  I would be surprised if it did.  I think if she is not comfortable wearing a skirt, she shouldn't have to.  It's not like she'll be wearing pajama pants -- there are a lot of options in between.

    ETA: I see now that she is a bridesmaid. However, you may still want to see if there is something she would be more comfortable in -- maybe a nice pant suit?  Nonetheless, FBIL's threat was out of line. 

    Photobucket Lilypie Second Birthday tickers BabyFruit Ticker
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    It's dress code in my church that women wear skirts if at all possible, that we dress as though we were attending the temple.  Outside of the church, pants are fine.  Her idea of dressing up is jeans, BTW. 
    December 18, 2010!!! Never thought I would be a winter bride; just hoping we don't get snowed in until AFTER the wedding!
  • Options
    Julz629Julz629 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://detroit.weddings.com/Sites/weddings/Pages/main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_michigan-detroit_fbil-bm-vent-am-angry-xp-moms-maids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:88Discussion:bf6dacab-adb1-4e55-b3be-9ee94664e923Post:6aaf16b6-4fe6-4327-9371-5695af8180ff">Re: FBIL and BM vent... I am so angry... XP on Moms and Maids</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>It's dress code in my church that women wear skirts if at all possible, that we dress as though we were attending the temple.</strong>  Outside of the church, pants are fine.  Her idea of dressing up is jeans, BTW. 
    Posted by DaughterOfHelaman2709[/QUOTE]

    The "if at all possible" part leads me to believe there is a bit of wiggle room.  If she is really THAT uncomfortable in a skirt, I would recommend a nice pant suit that will allow her to be more comfortable.  She can still coordinate with the other bridesmaids in colors.  Obviously jeans won't fly, but I wouldn't force her to wear a skirt if she is completely uncomfortable with it.
    Photobucket Lilypie Second Birthday tickers BabyFruit Ticker
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    She knew what I expected of her and still accepted.  He took it upon himself to not only tell me how uncomfortable she would be, but threatened me as well.  I'm going to give her the option that if she is really that uncomfortable, she really doesn't need to be there; she and I are not that close. 

    I wouldn't make such a big deal about her wearing a skirt, but it's a matter of respect.  I would like her to be able to come to the temple and wait with Joe earlier in the day while his brother and I are married, and there is no way she can do that in pants. 
    December 18, 2010!!! Never thought I would be a winter bride; just hoping we don't get snowed in until AFTER the wedding!
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    I have to disagree with you on this one Julie.  I think most people understand, when they agree to stand up in a wedding, that they'll be wearing whatever the couple tells them to wear, whether they love it or not.  Many bridesmaids and groomsmen feel somewhat uncomfortable in their wedding day attire, but that just kind of goes with the job.  If skirts are a deal breaker, then don't agree to be a BM.

    I think it's pretty generous that the OP's only requirement of her bridesmaid was that she pick out a skirt of some kind - she's not even mandating that she wear a specific dress or a dress at all!  It shouldn't really come down to whether there's some way the BM can wear pants under the church rule - she should respect what the bride is asking her to do.  If she absolutely can't do that, then step down as a BM and come as a guest in pants.  
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    What if she wore a longer more flowy skirt? It doesn't need to be fitted so she feels uncomfortable. I also agree with pp...maybe she could wear a pant suit or they make some nice goucho pants that are wide leg, but also fancy. It's honestly not really worth a fight or screaming match. You cannot force people to put something on if they don't feel comfortable in it. While it is your day, she's obviously close enough to you to stand up in your wedding and you should take her feelings into consideration. It's not worth your time or energy to insist she wear something she's not comfortable in. Pick and choose your battles wisely.
  • Options
    Julz629Julz629 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://detroit.weddings.com/main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_michigan-detroit_fbil-bm-vent-am-angry-xp-moms-maids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:88Discussion:bf6dacab-adb1-4e55-b3be-9ee94664e923Post:abae76ea-1bd0-45ee-b4b7-8785d5218955">Re: FBIL and BM vent... I am so angry... XP on Moms and Maids</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have to disagree with you on this one Julie.  I think most people understand, when they agree to stand up in a wedding, that they'll be wearing whatever the couple tells them to wear, whether they love it or not.  Many bridesmaids and groomsmen feel somewhat uncomfortable in their wedding day attire, but that just kind of goes with the job.  If skirts are a deal breaker, then don't agree to be a BM. I think it's pretty generous that the OP's only requirement of her bridesmaid was that she pick out a skirt of some kind - she's not even mandating that she wear a specific dress or a dress at all!  It shouldn't really come down to whether there's some way the BM can wear pants under the church rule - she should respect what the bride is asking her to do.  If she absolutely can't do that, then step down as a BM and come as a guest in pants.  
    Posted by cmkuno[/QUOTE]

    That's fine to disagree.

    My rationale is that the bridesmaids obviously aren't all wearing the same thing and that's awesome of OP to give them so much flexibility in what they wear. But let's say she wears a black skirt and a red top -- is it really that different if she were to wear black slacks and a red top?

    Personally, I've worn enough bridesmaids dresses where I was uncomfortable all day and I didn't want to do that to my bridesmaids.  I let them pick their dresses.  In my case, they all agreed on the same dress and they all wanted to wear the same thing.  However, I just told them the color and let the run with it.  If one of my bridesmaids had been really uncomfortable in the dress, I would not have expected her to wear it.  These are my closest friends and they have done so much for me, that I just want them to stand with me, regardless of what they wear.

    I think the FBIL is being a bit of a jerk and was completely out of line with his comment and the delivery of it.  And I really can't relate to the GF -- but then again, I wear dresses and skirts almost every day and I find them more comfortable than pants.  But if it was risking losing one of my bridesmaids over a dress, I would do whatever I could for her.
    Photobucket Lilypie Second Birthday tickers BabyFruit Ticker
  • Options
    klreese0213klreese0213 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Have you picked a dress for you BM's? maybe that'll help the issue.. pick a dress for everyone... After all it is your wedding and she did accept to take part in your bridal party. and as all bridal party members know you wear whatever the bride/groom asks.
    However, i also HATE wear dresses and wore pants to all wedding related things for my sisters wedding, expect for the wedding day, i did wear a long flowy dress.
    I personally don't think a bride maid should wear pants, but thats my opinion. - especially if everyone else is wearing dresses.
    But if it's to wedding related things such as rehersal dinner. etc, let her wear the pants.
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    I have attended churches with strict dress codes and I think the right thing to do is to respect that first and foremost. If the dress code is a skirt then be respectful of that. I also agree with the fact that when she signed on she knew she would have to so why be a pain now. When you agree to be a bridesmaid in my opinion you're basically saying I'll wear a clown suit and purple hair if I'm asked. (Anyone see the movie 27 dresses???). So I think you are right to be upset and she shouldn't participate if she's not going to do what is asked. Its one day in life and its not about her its about you! Have a Bridezilla moment if you want Laughing
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Options
    Julz629Julz629 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    A couple people have mentioned that being a bridesmaid basically means that you agree to wear whatever the bride chooses.  I do not think this is true.  Every time I have been in a wedding, the bride has consulted us on dress styles and fabrics and in some cases, even allowed us to choose our own dresses.  I haven't always LOVED the dresses, but that's OK.  However, if I was asked to wear something I absolutely did not feel comfortable in, I would speak up and I would hope that the bride would take my feelings into consideration.  Likewise, I would hope that my bridesmaids would feel comfortable speaking up to me if they were uncomfortable, as well. 

    I think we need to remember that these bridesmaids are our friends (presumably our closest friends) and not accessories for our wedding day.

    All this aside, have you talked to FBIL's girlfriend?  Maybe she doesn't typically wear skirts, but maybe she is OK with it for your wedding?  We're basing this all on a jerk-ish comment from FBIL and I think you need to talk to her before making any decisions.
    Photobucket Lilypie Second Birthday tickers BabyFruit Ticker
  • Options
    klreese0213klreese0213 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_michigan-detroit_fbil-bm-vent-am-angry-xp-moms-maids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:88Discussion:bf6dacab-adb1-4e55-b3be-9ee94664e923Post:d70d2dbd-e562-495b-bb08-c86b6c8b100f">Re: FBIL and BM vent... I am so angry... XP on Moms and Maids</a>:
    [QUOTE]A couple people have mentioned that being a bridesmaid basically means that you agree to wear whatever the bride chooses.  I do not think this is true.  Every time I have been in a wedding, the bride has consulted us on dress styles and fabrics and in some cases, even allowed us to choose our own dresses.  I haven't always LOVED the dresses, but that's OK.  However, if I was asked to wear something I absolutely did not feel comfortable in, I would speak up and I would hope that the bride would take my feelings into consideration.  Likewise, I would hope that my bridesmaids would feel comfortable speaking up to me if they were uncomfortable, as well.  I think we need to remember that these bridesmaids are our friends (presumably our closest friends) and not accessories for our wedding day. <strong>All this aside, have you talked to FBIL's girlfriend?  Maybe she doesn't typically wear skirts, but maybe she is OK with it for your wedding?  We're basing this all on a jerk-ish comment from FBIL and I think you need to talk to her before making any decisions.</strong>
    Posted by jholbel[/QUOTE]

    this is very true.  you should speak with the girlfriend.
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    Just curious - why is she a BM if you are not even close with her?

    Julie, you are very lucky that you've never been told what dress to wear in a wedding.  I've never been in a wedding where we were able to pick the dress we liked (and I've been in 6 weddings as a BM/MOH).
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • Options
    Julz629Julz629 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.weddings.com/Sites/Weddings/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_michigan-detroit_fbil-bm-vent-am-angry-xp-moms-maids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:88Discussion:bf6dacab-adb1-4e55-b3be-9ee94664e923Post:4cd384c6-198c-46b2-b8b5-c508ec33ac43">Re: FBIL and BM vent... I am so angry... XP on Moms and Maids</a>:
    [QUOTE]Just curious - why is she a BM if you are not even close with her? <strong>Julie, you are very lucky that you've never been told what dress to wear in a wedding.  I've never been in a wedding where we were able to pick the dress we liked (and I've been in 6 weddings as a BM/MOH).</strong>
    Posted by thecatsfancy[/QUOTE]

    In most of the weddings, we've either had several dress options of the same dress (halter, strapless, etc.) or the bride has consulted us beforehand.  i.e. one bride told us she wanted to order the Clover color from DB and we got to pick out the specific style.  I guess my point is that if someone chose something I would be completely uncomfortable in, I would hope the bride would take that into consideration.
    Photobucket Lilypie Second Birthday tickers BabyFruit Ticker
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    I absolutely think you did the right thing, and handled it very well at that.  Like in PP, she should feel lucky that she doesn't have to buy a $200 dress and dyeable shoes.  I, too, was raised to believe that you didn't wear pants to church.  That applies to the guests, and especially honor attendants!

    Just something to think about--how are the FBIL's social skills?  He was wrong, no doubt about it, but perhaps he didn't know quite the appropriate phrase?  Maybe he was trying to joke? However, he shouldn't be involved in the situation, anyways.  If the BM doesn't like something, she needs to put on her big girl panties, and either talk to you directly, or deal with it.
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    She is my bridesmaid because we are friends, she will be family, and as a favor to Joe. 
    December 18, 2010!!! Never thought I would be a winter bride; just hoping we don't get snowed in until AFTER the wedding!
  • Options
    Julz629Julz629 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://detroit.weddings.com/main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_michigan-detroit_fbil-bm-vent-am-angry-xp-moms-maids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:88Discussion:bf6dacab-adb1-4e55-b3be-9ee94664e923Post:c459d105-87ab-43c6-ba63-198d0f911327">Re: FBIL and BM vent... I am so angry... XP on Moms and Maids</a>:
    [QUOTE]She is my bridesmaid because we are friends, she will be family, and as a favor to Joe. 
    Posted by DaughterOfHelaman2709[/QUOTE]

    Have you talked to her personally to see if she really has a problem with a skirt?? 
    Photobucket Lilypie Second Birthday tickers BabyFruit Ticker
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    I think FBIL was being a douche with what he said. But you can only control yourself, not others. Personally I wouldn't have made the comments about pajama pants/tomboy GF because it's unnecessary but it doesn't really matter at this point.

    Ditto PP - talk to the GF. If you want her in a skirt, and especially if the church requires it then she either needs to get a skirt/dress or not be a BM.

    IMO part of being a BM means wearing what the bride wants you to wear - and if there are requirements by the church that's just a no-brainer.
    Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards